A Place of Belief

[heslopian]

EDIT 2:
Dolls pinned to trees
surround a patch of shallow graves,
a clearing in which the gone now stay.

Their button eyes and thread smiles
hide a well of invisible power,
keeping away those rebel spirits
who tamper with the dead.

I hold your hand and we,
two city effetes in powdered skin,
stand at the threshold of something primal.

I raise your hand and kiss your mouth,
lightly pushing you against a tree.
All is darkness when the torch falls from my grip,
shutting off on impact. A cotton face sits beside yours.

EDIT 1:
Dolls pinned to trees
surround a patch of shallow graves,
a clearing in which the gone now stay.

Their button eyes and thread smiles
hide a well of invisible power,
keeping away those rebel spirits
who tamper with the dead.

I hold your hand and we,
two city effetes in powdered skin,
stand at the threshold of something primal.

I can almost hear a sentient wind
encircling this place, its voice a spastic blade:
"I'll tear your soul from your body
like chicken from bones".
The silent dolls do not reply, but keep their guard.

I raise your hand and kiss your mouth,
lightly pushing you against a tree.
All is darkness when the torch falls from my grip,
shutting off on impact. A cotton face sits beside yours.

[Leanne]

Hi Jack, you've created a pretty darn spooky mood here The final stanza in particular is excellent. To be honest, I think S4 overdoes it a bit and personally, I'd get rid of it entirely to take full advantage of the surreal juxtaposition of innocence and danger.

A good read though!

[heslopian]

The dialogue in S4 is what I came up with first, and I just wrote a poem around it. Looking back, it doesn't quite fit with the tone of what surrounds it. I keep trying to go hardcore with phrases like "spastic blade" and threatening dialogue, but it rarely works Thank you for your kind and excellent feedback, Leanne

[billy]

shit jack, you're on a roll.
after the 1st stanza i thought along the lines of the school that got shot up, then dismissed it out of hand but on reflection i think it's about all those places. every line opens the poem up a little more as they should. i thought you had just a couple of nits but really i'm being very picky. it's a very grounding and sombre piece of poetry yet it comes across as being lighter than it is. great write

thanks for the read.

Dolls pinned to trees
surround a patch of shallow graves,
a clearing in which the gone now stay. a perfect line of poetry, i like the play on words

Their button eyes and thread smiles
hide a well of invisible power,
keeping away those rebel spirits
who tamper with the dead.

I hold your hand and we,
two city effetes in powdered skin,
stand at the threshold of something primal.

I can almost hear a sentient wind is almost needed?
encircling this place, its voice a spastic blade:
"I'll tear your soul from your body this and the next line sort of screw with the good stuff you've already laid down
like chicken from bones".
The silent dolls do not reply, but keep their guard.

I raise your hand and kiss your mouth,
lightly pushing you against a tree.
All is darkness when the torch falls from my grip,
shutting off on impact. A cotton face sits beside yours. great finish.

[brandontoh]

Dolls pinned to trees
surround a patch of shallow graves, -- I think 'a' can be removed, but that's just me.
a clearing in which the gone now stay. -- I like this line a lot. Very nice rhythm to the stanza as a whole. It sets the scenery for the rest of the poem.

Their button eyes and thread smiles
hide a well of invisible power,
keeping away those rebel spirits
who tamper with the dead. -- The second line feels a little weak, which sort of drags down the stanza. My gripe is with "invisible power". Nothing a simple rewording won't fix. =)

I hold your hand and we,
two city effetes in powdered skin,
stand at the threshold of something primal. -- Good stanza. Then again, they all are. =x

I can almost hear a sentient wind
encircling this place, its voice a spastic blade:
"I'll tear your soul from your body
like chicken from bones".
The silent dolls do not reply, but keep their guard. -- Try to cut down some of the redundancies in this stanza. Billy has pointed out some already.

I raise your hand and kiss your mouth,
lightly pushing you against a tree.
All is darkness when the torch falls from my grip,
shutting off on impact. A cotton face sits beside yours. -- Beautiful imagery, but I think the structure could be tighter. I'd break 'A cotton face..." into another line, and the 'the' from line 3 can be removed.

Overall a very enjoyable read. =) I like the imagery and the poetic language used. Remember, all is personal opinion. =x So take what you will. Hope I'm of help. =D

[Mr. Shankly]

My initial response was: too dark. Then I read it again and my reaction was: mildly erotic. Overall, I like it.

S4, I liked, and didn't like. Something about "spastic blade" seems odd, but it seems to fit as well.. Just an uncommon combination, but hey, perhaps that's its charm. To me, the word "chicken" conjures up the thought of eating, where as "flesh" would perhaps conjure up the image of bodily destruction. Hmm, not sure which is preferable.. As well, the period should be inside the quotation mark, which was probably just a typo on your part.

In particular, the last line: "sits" could perhaps be changed to something more emotionally evocative?

[heslopian]

Thank you Bilbo, brandontoh and Mr. Shankly for your great feedback I'm going to make another cut of the poem in the opening post with verse four removed, as I do think it doesn't quite fit with the rest. Again, thank you all for taking the time to give me critique, and I've read and will consider all of your suggestions.

[Bizzy]

Hi There - I really like the mood and tone of this, the way you weave the setting with what's going on with the couple is very intense. Love the phrase 'the gone now stay' a whole paragraph of meaning in 4 words - Wow. Confused by the 'powdered skin' not entirely sure what you meant by that,

An excellent read - thank you for sharing.


Dolls pinned to trees
surround a patch of shallow graves,
a clearing in which the gone now stay.

Their button eyes and thread smiles
hide a well of invisible power,
keeping away those rebel spirits
who tamper with the dead.

I hold your hand and we,
two city effetes in powdered skin,
stand at the threshold of something primal.

I raise your hand and kiss your mouth,
lightly pushing you against a tree.
All is darkness when the torch falls from my grip,
shutting off on impact. A cotton face sits beside yours.

[heslopian]

The "powdered skin" was a reference to makeup and "dandies" - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dandy I meant it to just emphasise their out-of-placeness in the graveyard. Thank you for your kind feedback, Bizzy

[Kelseymclemore]

Very interesting makes me feel watched or creepy

[heslopian]

Thank you for your comment, Kelseymclemore

[dooces]

my humble response:

very well done, specifically the line

a clearing in which the gone now stay.

leaves an impact whose wake influences the rest of the poem.

[billy]

good edits jack. nice transition from original to last. nicely done,

[heslopian]

Thank you for your comments, dooces and Bilbo