Turds of GODown

[serge gurkski]

My thanks to Leanne and Lucy (stalker) for helping me. Very much aprecciated. I hope it reads better now.

Turds of God

Not a biggie anymore
to surrealize my being,
born in an implosion
of Beckettian mantras.
A pale pulse shivered.
My lines seduced by booze
reduced to typing
my rant straight out:

The winter had decided
not to come upon us today-
Instead it chose procrastination
and blew warm rainy winds
into our faces.

There’s some April to come yet,
as unloved as before:
this is the fifth week of the year.
It meets me unprepared,
I’ll try its tribulations:
danse macabre.
I macaronize what
it holds dear
because it does the same to me.

I cannot fight it but I will.
I love those fights,
that can’t go well,
because they’re real
and leave me hanging
in frowzy, sneering alleys
because they tell my tale.

Lonesome crows sail
like turds of god
across my sullen
deep white-yellow skies.


Allow me to step out a bit!
I’m dying
Just as you
But a bit soonishlier.
To plot this up
I add meat
To be torn apart
Just for you Heslopians, (I am not satisfied with this, but i want to keep soonishlier ;-) So I dunno yet).
Wise guys you.
Someone at least should benefit

It’s cumbersome but
having but time nothing
why not go there
wasting your life time
making sense?

SENSE



Wounds

Pain in my lower jaw right:
see your dentist soon.
Not me, bring on the pills.

Once you wake you will know

How and why and when
did it all go wrong?

I fucked her good this morn
And now she’s dating.
Don’t get me wrong


Just know that I do not care
As long as the pusher’s coming by.
She’s dating for fixes, I know-
I know, I know, I know
It.

Poison


I’m inserting my
poison right into your vein.
I can make you love me, you know?
Just takes the sec
Morphine rolls out
inside of you.
But you’re innocent,
so I step back.
My rule being:
Don’t fuck the
virgins.

--------------------------------------
listening to Soul Dressing, performed by Roy Buchanan:
http://youtu.be/EEeoqx2WPYQ

[heslopian]

Not a biggie anymore
to surrealize my being,
born in an explosion
of Beckettian mantras Good line. I like how you call back to surrealism by referencing Beckett.
pulsating in a pale sardonic, Should a comma come after "pale"?
shivering rhythm, my lines
seduced by booze reduced
to typing my rant
straight out:

The winter had decided
not to come upon us as of yet;
instead it chose procrastination
and blew warm rainy winds
into our stupid faces.

There's some April to come yet,
as unloved as before:
this is the fifth week of the year.
It meets me unprepared,
I’ll try its tribulations
I’ll dance its macabrees**.
I macaronize*** what
it holds dear
because it does the same to me.

I cannot fight it but I will.
I love those fights,
that can’t go well,
because they’re real
and leave me hanging
in frowzy, sneering alleys
because they tell my life to me.

Some lonesome crows,
they keep on sailing
like turds of god**** I really like this line. It's aggressive and crude without being inadvertantly funny.
across my sullen
deep white-yellow* frightening skies.
---------------
*it's raining bile
** danse macabre / Books of Maccabees
*** macaronize (mingling languages: ridicule)
**** looked like them, sorry Why not just go back and edit this line instead of making a new footnote?

--------------------------------------
listening to Soul Dressing, performed by Roy Buchanan:
http://youtu.be/EEeoqx2WPYQ

The poem has a lot of good individual lines, but there isn't much texture. It's mostly just elegant phrasing, which makes it feel a bit diffuse and empty. I'd suggest adding more narrative; come up with an idea or image on which the poem can hinge. JMHO, of course. Thank you for the read

[serge gurkski]

the poem is a ref to TS Eliot. I dunno if that helps. you know: April is the cruellest month. That shit.
Thanks for the effort.

---

and what is your opinion on my plot?

---

well, ok. Consider it an intro.

[heslopian]

Ah, so it's a bit Waste Land-y. That helps explain the tone and diffuseness. Is there a plot? I saw the poem more as an evocation of feelings than a narrative.

[serge gurkski]

I ll work on it once I thawed. ;-) Promise

---

i added content. some.

---

just an add.on. Becket of course is not surrealism.

[serge gurkski]

I had incredible help on stanza 5 by stalker (Lucy).

cheers and hugs

serge

[Stalker]

Sershh

I will always tell you to remove words - so let me see which words here I like.

Turds of God

Not a biggie anymore => I like the chatty vernacular style of this opener
to surrealize my being,=> and so of course we know it has been a biggie before.
born in an explosion
of Beckettian mantras
pulsating in a pale
shivering way, my lines => for my taste to many adjectives here, how about 'a pale pulse shivered'?
seduced by booze reduced=> comma after booze?
to typing my rant
straight out:

The winter had decided
not to come upon us as of yet;
instead it chose procrastination => could you do without 'it chose'?
and blew warm rainy winds => do you need 'and'?
into our stupid faces.

There’s some April to come yet, => do you need 'yet'?
as unloved as before: => do you need 'as'? (The first one)
this is the fifth week of the year.
It meets me unprepared, => 'this fifth week of the year // meets me unprepared
I’ll try its tribulations
I’ll dance it macabrees.
I macaronize what
it holds dear
because it does the same to me.

I cannot fight it but I will.
I love those fights,
that can’t go well,
because they’re real
and leave me hanging
in frowzy, sneering alleys => full stop? even line break perhaps.
because they tell my life to me.

Some lonesome crows ,
they keep on sailing
like turds of god
across my sullen
deep white-yellow skies.

bit confused- I thought you changed this last already

I like it

one of the things I like is the way the language becomes increasingly pared down and increasingly abstract as we leave the vernacular behind and in the beginning.

cheers

stalky

[serge gurkski]

i love you

---

too ))

[serge gurkski]

ya Lucy. I was stone drunk, so ty for repeating here what you said on the phone.
As to the vernacular: I am prone to use that bc it sounds natural to me.
and then there's a very fine line to make it poetry.

Now then the colloquial cums with fillers. (the very words you sensed are unnecessary).
I first write, then share, then edit. I have a plan. ;-)
(despite the booze).

And you are right about the yets and the ands etc.

So that is a bit tricky for me: when keep it, when lose it.
I ll return to this one.

hugs

serge

[Leanne]

Turds of God

Not a biggie anymore
to surrealize my being,
born in an explosion -- I tend to want a more surrealistic word than "explosion", something unexpected. Even though you're NOT "surrealizing" anymore, this line is still about that previous existence.
of Beckettian mantras. -- surreal, absurd, who cares about the label? They're all born of the same frustration with the mundane, so Beckett works (and of course without him, the title wouldn't make as much sense, or nonsense).
A pale pulse shivered.
My lines seduced by booze
reduced to typing
my rant straight out: -- I'm not convinced this line is necessary

The winter had decided
not to come upon us as of yet; -- you could remove "as of" -- instead of "yet", you might also consider a more specific time, such as "this week" or "today" or "before half past two"
instead it chose procrastination
and blew warm rainy winds
into our stupid faces. -- stupid is a bit lame as an adjective, especially following the fairly standard "warm rainy", which I can accept if this line is a bit less crap in contrast

There’s some April to come yet,
as unloved as before:
this is the fifth week of the year.
It meets me unprepared,
I’ll try its tribulations
I’ll dance it macabrees. -- I'm not convinced the pun/fusion works and it seems to be thrown in just for effect. Danse macabre by all means, that fits -- but I really can't force the Maccabees into the concept at all, so for me there's no pay-off.
I macaronize what
it holds dear
because it does the same to me.

I cannot fight it but I will. -- a bit prosaic here
I love those fights, -- no comma required really
that can’t go well,
because they’re real
and leave me hanging
in frowzy, sneering alleys -- great adjectives
because they tell my life to me. -- maybe you'd consider "tell my tale"?

Lonesome crows sail
like turds of god
across my sullen
deep white-yellow skies. -- is this a reference to the words on the page? If it is, it's masterful -- if it's not, it's possibly masterful as well... I just didn't pick up on it immediately


Allow me to step out a bit!
I’m dying
Just as you
But a bit soonishlier. -- nice drunken slur, very Irish
To plot this up
I add meat
To be torn apart
Just for you Heslopians,
Wise guys you.

Someone at least should benefit


should not they? -- the inversion just doesn't work for me at all, except together with "it's cumbersome" -- if you want to leave it, I'd be tempted to remove this stanza break and put the lines together

It’s cumbersome but
having but time nothing
why not go there
wasting your life time
making sense? -- quite right!

SENSE



Wounds -- there's a clear volta here and it's quite well done

Pain in my lower jaw right:
see your dentist soon.
Not me, bring on the pills.

Once you wake you will know

How and why and when
did it all go wrong?

I fucked her good this morn
And now she’s dating.
Don’t get me wrong


Just know that I do not care
As long as the pusher’s coming by.
She’s dating for fixes, I know-
I know, I know, I know
It. -- needed? I don't think so

Poison


I’m your virus.
I’m inserting my
poison right into your vein. -- I find this line a bit heavy handed and obvious -- my suggestion is either virus or poison, not both, and get rid of the vein.
I can make love me, you know?
Just takes the sec
Morphine rolls out
inside of you.
But you’re innocent,
so I step back.
My rule being:
Don’t fuck the
virgins. -- good rule, good ending

--------------------------------------
listening to Soul Dressing, performed by Roy Buchanan:
http://youtu.be/EEeoqx2WPYQ

[serge gurkski]

Hi Leanne, thank you for reading me and the feedback. I will make some changes right now and then let it simmer a bit. I will tell right here what I changed because I won't write a rev. (too time-consuming. I'm somewhere else already but I do appreciate your efforts.

cheers
Serge

---

Leanne:
Not a biggie anymore
to surrealize my being,
born in an explosion -- I tend to want a more surrealistic word than "explosion", something unexpected. Even though you're NOT "surrealizing" anymore, this line is still about that previous existence.
of Beckettian mantras. -- surreal, absurd, who cares about the label? They're all born of the same frustration with the mundane, so Beckett works (and of course without him, the title wouldn't make as much sense, or nonsense).

I can't change this because I have nothing better right now.

---

Leanne:
Not a biggie anymore
to surrealize my being,
born in an explosion -- I tend to want a more surrealistic word than "explosion", something unexpected. Even though you're NOT "surrealizing" anymore, this line is still about that previous existence.
of Beckettian mantras. -- surreal, absurd, who cares about the label? They're all born of the same frustration with the mundane, so Beckett works (and of course without him, the title wouldn't make as much sense, or nonsense).

I can't change this because I have nothing better right now.

"should not they? -- the inversion just doesn't work for me at all, except together with "it's cumbersome" -- if you want to leave it, I'd be tempted to remove this stanza break and put the lines together"

I throw this out. ;-) no harm.

---

Leanne:
Not a biggie anymore
to surrealize my being,
born in an explosion -- I tend to want a more surrealistic word than "explosion", something unexpected. Even though you're NOT "surrealizing" anymore, this line is still about that previous existence.
of Beckettian mantras. -- surreal, absurd, who cares about the label? They're all born of the same frustration with the mundane, so Beckett works (and of course without him, the title wouldn't make as much sense, or nonsense).

I can't change this because I have nothing better right now.

"should not they? -- the inversion just doesn't work for me at all, except together with "it's cumbersome" -- if you want to leave it, I'd be tempted to remove this stanza break and put the lines together"

I throw this out. ;-) no harm.

"I’ll dance it macabrees. -- I'm not convinced the pun/fusion works and it seems to be thrown in just for effect. Danse macabre by all means, that fits -- but I really can't force the Maccabees into the concept at all, so for me there's no pay-off."
right! :-)

you like Billy Preston? I do. Here is a link:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8pMb4OhxdEU&feature=share&list=AL94UKMTqg-9CEp9PRgSjV7u8vGctB0Bh8

---

explosion:
what I can do, Leanne, is making it an
implosion.
(which I will ;-) )

---

Don’t fuck the
virgins. -- good rule, good ending

yup. lol