From The Cliffs.

[billy]

The mainsail died, I saw it rip,
dread spread like scurvy through the ship.
It cut the rope that held the cloth
which dropped the tatters to the froth.
All white and roaring o'er the deck
a misplaced foot, a broken neck.

The anchor lost, the boat's keel broke.
Upon the granite, splintered oak.
Some jumped too late, some leapt too soon
their buckled bodies smashed and strewn.
Across the knife-edged rocks they lay
undone and bloodied in the spray.

---

very small 2nd edit

---

The mainsail died, I saw it rip
dread ran like scurvy through the ship;
it cut the rope that held the cloth
then dropped the tatters to the froth
all white and roaring o'er the deck,
a misplaced foot, a broken neck.

The anchor lost, the boat's keel broke
upon the granite, splintered oak.
Some jumped too late, some leapt too soon
their buckled bodies, smashed and strewn.
Across the knife-edged rocks they lay
undone and bloodied in the spray.

---

1st edit.
thanks to all the feedback, i've used some of the suggestion given and appreciated all the ones received. thanks

---

original

The mainsail died, they heard it rip
dread ran like scurvy through the ship.
They cut the rope that held the cloth
and dropped the tatters to the froth;
all white and roaring o'er the deck,
a misplaced foot would break a neck.

The anchor lost, the boat's heart broke
upon the granite, splintered oak.
Some jumped too late, some leapt too soon
their buckled bodies bent and strewn
across the knife-edged rocks they lay
all cut and bloodied in the spray.

[Todd]

This reads really well to me. Some comments for you:

The mainsail died, they heard it rip--I like the personification of the mainsail, and the introduction of sound
dread ran like scurvy through the ship.--appropriate nautical simile, and good use taking the abstraction of dread and making it more concrete through a linked image
They cut the rope that held the cloth
and dropped the tatters to the froth;--Nothing seems forced. I really like cloth and froth, and that the narrative has momentum. "dropped the tatters to the froth" is nice phrasing.
all white and roaring o'er the deck,
a misplaced foot would break a neck.--Break a neck flirts a little bit with cliche. On par with shoot your eye out. Its right on the edge for me. I can live with it because the danger of the situation doesn't make the rhyme seem forced

The anchor lost, the boat's heart broke--same with heart broke though I do like the personification. Again Billy, if there were a good substitute for both of those parts that stayed away from predictable phrasing it would be better. That said, it isn't bad. I hope I'm being clear in the distinction
upon the granite, splintered oak.--like this
Some jumped too late, some leapt too soon
their buckled bodies bent and strewn--these two lines were really nice. You can see people trying to time salvation in the midst of disaster. I really like the candance of the jumped/leapt line
across the knife edged rocks they lay--knife edged should have a hyphen. I think in this construction (grammarians please correct me here) if the words are used as a noun there is no hyphen when they are an adjective the hyphen goes in. That said, it is a brilliant adjective for how it interacts with the final line. These last two lines are my favorite and I owe it to the setup of knife-edged
all cut and bloodied in the spray.--In the spray is perfect to help us see the blood of the crash, and the blood of a metaphoric knife fight.

I thought this was clean, smooth, and really well done.

Thanks Billy.

Best,

Todd

[billy]

thanks for the feedback and the kind words. i'll sort out the hyphen for now and think about the neck heart broke for a while.

[tectak]

The mainsail died, they heard it ripNot much wrong here, billy. "they" is a little impersonal, even for you. It is usually better to tell us who "they" are before dropping the identity. You could even give one or two "characters" names. " The mainsail died, Seb heard it rip...." Your poem
dread ran like scurvy through the ship. Again, fine but scurvy isn't contagious. As far as I know it is a vitamin C deficiency.....maybe that can still run. Pedantic...sorry
They cut the rope that held the cloth Then "He cut the rope that held the cloth(Seb?)" I think one man would cut a rope, more than one (they) would cut ropeS. Strangely, sails are tethered by "sheets". I don't think they are called ropes. I'll check
and dropped the tatters to the froth;
all white and roaring o'er the deck,"all" is a known. Maybe " Spumed white and roaring o'er the deck. A misplaced foot, a broken neck." Or something.
a misplaced foot would break a neck.

The anchor lost, the boat's heart broke
upon the granite, splintered oak.
Some jumped too late, some leapt too soon
their buckled bodies bent and strewn this is a fine stanza and I am loathe to offer up suggestions. Aw, the hell with it....buckled and bent seems a near duplication. Stick pins in my effigy
across the knife-edged rocks they lay
all cut and bloodied in the spray."All" sticks out as an overused filler."broken and bloodied in the spray"

There are grammar issues but I am tired! Overall, this is a seafaring tale to be sung in three part harmony with one hand cupped over left ear. I commend it. I have googled it. A rope holding a sail is called a "sheet".
Best,
tectak

[billy]

i think the term for the rope is halyard but it didn't fit because it has three feet.

i like some of the suggestions for the 1st stanza so will look at them closely when i do an edit later.

thanks for the solid feedback tom

[shemthepenman]

ok... so this is for serious critique... (i read this poem a while ago and was hesitant... but having read the rules carefully I think, as it states, I am able to give some honest and productive feedback)

I personally wouldn't change a thing (hyphens notwithstanding). It really would be in my list of favorite poems i have read recently.

there are two technical issues, with the 'break an neck' and ' broke heart'... but for my money, these are no issues at all; as, one can forsake style for technicality and in so doing forsake pulse for cardiac arrest. and this poem has life coming out of it's ears. Really enjoyed it.

[billy]

thanks for the feedback shem and the kind words. i'm sure the hyphen can go. i realised when i did neck and heart some may call it cliche and i knew they'd have a point but i did the deed, now i'm thinking of redoing those two items.

[Keith]

Look what the tide brought in, dont know how I missed this but very glad I found it, this is definatley a keeper, I can feel the panic as the ship twist and cracks, great poem Billy.

The mainsail died, they heard it rip great opening
dread ran like scurvy through the ship. real and pacey
They cut the rope that held the cloth could you say It instead of they meaning Dread made them do IT?
and dropped the tatters to the froth; this line feels funny could you have-and dropped like............... dont know what
all white and roaring o'er the deck,
a misplaced foot would break a neck.

The anchor lost, the boat's heart broke very strong and true
upon the granite, splintered oak. I can hear the crack great stuff
Some jumped too late, some leapt too soon
their buckled bodies bent and strewn
across the knife-edged rocks they lay
all cut and bloodied in the spray. all on the money for me

[shemthepenman]

well... personally... and i know I am not an expert, but i wouldn't change a thing about this poem... actually, i am a serious fan of 'moby dick' and i was a little jealous when i read this poem. but i know, why sell one poem when you can sell ten by altering it; but just know, i will be saving a copy of this original for me kids

[Mr. Shankly]

The pace of the poem fits well with the action described. That being said, it does seem to take away from the overall pungency of each individual line. Use of the pronoun "they" was mentioned. I would tend to agree that a name or word more closely denoting humans (crew? sailors? etc) might be preferable; for me, it would add to the emotional content to the poem.

[billy]

thanks for the feedback sarah, i'm leaning towards tom's use of [it] instead of [they] as that wouldn't screw the meter up.

[serge gurkski]

It sounds old-fashioned but I like the blood spill.
You will be able to live with it, but the title is clumsy.

cheers
serge

No, i was wrong about the title.
It is good.

[billy]

The mainsail died, I saw it rip
dread ran like scurvy through the ship;
it cut the rope that held the cloth
then dropped the tatters to the froth
all white and roaring o'er the deck,
a misplaced foot, a broken neck.

The anchor lost, the boat's keel broke
upon the granite, splintered oak.
Some jumped too late, some leapt too soon
their buckled bodies, smashed and strewn.
Across the knife-edged rocks they lay
undone and bloodied in the spray.

---

1st edit.
thanks to all the feedback, i've used some of the suggestion given and appreciated all the ones received. thanks

---

original

The mainsail died, they heard it rip
dread ran like scurvy through the ship.
They cut the rope that held the cloth
and dropped the tatters to the froth;
all white and roaring o'er the deck,
a misplaced foot would break a neck.

The anchor lost, the boat's heart broke
upon the granite, splintered oak.
Some jumped too late, some leapt too soon
their buckled bodies bent and strewn
across the knife-edged rocks they lay
all cut and bloodied in the spray.

[Todd]

Minor changes, but I like them. I think they work.

[tectak]

Excellent edit billy. Anything else you do to this would be final buffing. It is already glossy. I am only going to make small suggestions accordingly.
The mainsail died, I saw it rip
dread ran like scurvy through the ship;Purely brasso. How about "Dread spread like scurvy through the ship"
it cut the rope that held the cloth I cut the rope. Typo? My earlier suggestion was to name a name ( Seb or Jed or Jake or suchlike.) I don't think "it" works at all. Apart from the totally impersonal nature of the word the implication is that "dread" cut the rope.
then dropped the tatters to the frothMaybe "which fell in tatters, or even "It fell in tatters.." at a push. "Then" implies by continuity that "you" dropped the tatters. This would be a big job under any circumstances! Full stop after "...through the ship.". Comma after "...to the froth," to permit the finality of the last line.
all white and roaring o'er the deck,....by putting the semi-colon after "...o'er the deck;". I still think that you could make more of the penultimate line by using something more descriptive than just " All....." but permitted vernacular if "o'er" is acceptable. Hmmm.
a misplaced foot, a broken neck.

The anchor lost, the boat's keel broke This is a nice enjambment but it slips under the reader's radar because you use "splintered" instead of "splint'ring". You could still get "splintering" in there and would have a nice clean sentence instead of two statements broken by the enjambment. "The anchor lost, the boat's keel broke upon the granite, splintering oak." What say you? Your poem. Just one other point. I know you used "ship" earlier and that you can put a boat on a ship but you cannot put a ship on a boat, so they are different thing's....but this gives you a chance to get more emotion going by avoiding the problem thus " The anchor lost, her proud keel broke upon the granite, splintering oak"
upon the granite, splintered oak.
Some jumped too late, some leapt too soon
their buckled bodies, smashed and strewn.
Across the knife-edged rocks they lay
undone and bloodied in the spray.

---

As this gets closer to perfection, it gets harder to crit. It is very hard to crit
Best,
tectak

1st edit.
thanks to all the feedback, i've used some of the suggestion given and appreciated all the ones received. thanks

---

original

The mainsail died, they heard it rip
dread ran like scurvy through the ship.
They cut the rope that held the cloth
and dropped the tatters to the froth;
all white and roaring o'er the deck,
a misplaced foot would break a neck.

The anchor lost, the boat's heart broke
upon the granite, splintered oak.
Some jumped too late, some leapt too soon
their buckled bodies bent and strewn
across the knife-edged rocks they lay
all cut and bloodied in the spray.

[serge gurkski]

The Boat's Keel Broke, the Mainsail Died

that would be a fantastic (to me) opener /title.

[heslopian]

The mainsail died, I saw it rip Could a comma go here? I stumbled here as it felt like you were saying the mainsail ripped dread.
dread ran like scurvy through the ship;
it cut the rope that held the cloth
then dropped the tatters to the froth
all white and roaring o'er the deck,
a misplaced foot, a broken neck. The rhymes in this verse are excellent. You've clearly bothered to work on your meter, and I love how the gently flowing rhymes juxtapose against the brutal images.

The anchor lost, the boat's keel broke
upon the granite, splintered oak.
Some jumped too late, some leapt too soon
their buckled bodies, smashed and strewn. Is the comma here needed? You're no doubt following a form I don't recognise, so maybe it is.
Across the knife-edged rocks they lay
undone and bloodied in the spray. Brilliant last line.

A superlative poem. It's richly structured, and gruesomely toned without being aggressive or mean-spirited. I loved it. Feels almost like Hemingway, but without the comfort of a message or moral. Critique is JMHO. Thanks for the read

[Keith]

Great edit, let it lie

[billy]

just done a very small edit and am still thinking about some of the things tectack mentioned. thanks to everyone for the feedback.

[tectak]

The mainsail died, I saw it rip,
dread spread like scurvy through the ship.
It cut the rope that held the clothstill don't know what the "it" refers to
which dropped the tatters to the froth.Comma here
All white and roaring o'er the decksemi-colon
a misplaced foot, a broken neck.

The anchor lost, the boat's keel broke
upon the granite, splintered oak.You have chosen to leave this and I don't blame you....but if you want strict crit you should have a stop after "broke" OR change "splintered" to splintering...Oh....I said that before. Sorry. It must be true!
Some jumped too late, some leapt too soon
their buckled bodies smashed and strewn.
Across the knife-edged rocks they lay
undone and bloodied in the spray.

---

very small 2nd edit

---

VERY, VERY GOOD, BILLY
Best,
tectak

The mainsail died, I saw it rip
dread ran like scurvy through the ship;
it cut the rope that held the cloth
then dropped the tatters to the froth
all white and roaring o'er the deck,
a misplaced foot, a broken neck.

The anchor lost, the boat's keel broke
upon the granite, splintered oak.
Some jumped too late, some leapt too soon
their buckled bodies, smashed and strewn.
Across the knife-edged rocks they lay
undone and bloodied in the spray.

---

1st edit.
thanks to all the feedback, i've used some of the suggestion given and appreciated all the ones received. thanks

---

original

The mainsail died, they heard it rip
dread ran like scurvy through the ship.
They cut the rope that held the cloth
and dropped the tatters to the froth;
all white and roaring o'er the deck,
a misplaced foot would break a neck.

The anchor lost, the boat's heart broke
upon the granite, splintered oak.
Some jumped too late, some leapt too soon
their buckled bodies bent and strewn
across the knife-edged rocks they lay
all cut and bloodied in the spray.