If old raincoats could talk

[Keith]

1st Edit
Once, drunk and out dancing
I slid off a bar stool,
he didn’t even notice, I was carried home,
and left to dry out; on a chair.

We used to stride on Lakeland fells,
wind lashed lake side paths,
keeping close we kept each other warm,
I held mint cake, he had the guide map.

Now if we go walking it’s late at night,
he’s ashamed to be seen with me
and feels the cold rain passing through thin skin,
I hold dog biscuits and scented bags.

A cig in the garden if I’m lucky
never really go out any more,
when we do it always seems to rain,
anyway, that mirror in the hall makes me look tired.

Oh but one more chance to feel
sun, softening my shoulders,
thrown down in long grass,
picnic blanket pillow talk,
too hot to walk, dusty tracks,
arms wrapped round his neck,
piggyback.



Original
A cig in the garden if I’m lucky
never go out any more,
when we do it always seems to rain,
anyway, that mirror in the hall makes me look tired.

Once, drunk and out dancing
I slid off a bar stool,
he didn’t even notice but I was carried home,
and left to dry out; on a chair.

We used to stride on Lakeland fells,
wind lashed lake side paths,
keeping close we kept each other warm,
I held mint cake, he had the guide map.

Now if we go walking it’s late at night,
he’s ashamed to be seen with me
and feels the cold rain passing through thin skin,
I hold dog biscuits and scented bags.

Is it too much to ask? one more chance to feel
sun, softening my shoulders,
thrown down in long grass,
picnic blanket pillow talk,
too hot to walk, dusty tracks,
arms wrapped round his neck,
piggyback.

[billy]

i like the anthropomorphising of the coat. this is one of your best poems i wonder if the 1st stanza would be better as the penultimate stanza. which would make the 2nd the 1st (i think it a much stronger opening)it read like two old friends or lovers in places and for many that's what a raincoat is.
a good funny and sad read

A cig in the garden if I’m lucky
never go out any more,
when we do it always seems to rain,
anyway, that mirror in the hall makes me look tired.

Once, drunk and out dancing
I slid off a bar stool,
he didn’t even notice but I was carried home,
and left to dry out; on a chair. this one got a laugh out of me. drunk and raincoat feel perfect.

We used to stride on Lakeland fells,
wind lashed lake side paths,
keeping close we kept each other warm,
I held mint cake, he had the guide map.

Now if we go walking it’s late at night,
he’s ashamed to be seen with me
and feels the cold rain passing through thin skin,
I hold dog biscuits and scented bags. the ignominy of it all

Is it too much to ask? one more chance to feel i'm not sure that 'Is it too much to ask?' is needed as it's sort of implied by the 2nd part of the line.
sun, softening my shoulders,
thrown down in long grass,
picnic blanket pillow talk,
too hot to walk, dusty tracks,
arms wrapped round his neck,
piggyback. great finish.

[Keith]

i like the anthropomorphising of the coat. this is one of your best poems i wonder if the 1st stanza would be better as the penultimate stanza. which would make the 2nd the 1st (i think it a much stronger opening)it read like two old friends or lovers in places and for many that's what a raincoat is.
a good funny and sad read

A cig in the garden if I’m lucky
never go out any more,
when we do it always seems to rain,
anyway, that mirror in the hall makes me look tired.

Once, drunk and out dancing
I slid off a bar stool,
he didn’t even notice but I was carried home,
and left to dry out; on a chair. this one got a laugh out of me. drunk and raincoat feel perfect.

We used to stride on Lakeland fells,
wind lashed lake side paths,
keeping close we kept each other warm,
I held mint cake, he had the guide map.

Now if we go walking it’s late at night,
he’s ashamed to be seen with me
and feels the cold rain passing through thin skin,
I hold dog biscuits and scented bags. the ignominy of it all

Is it too much to ask? one more chance to feel i'm not sure that 'Is it too much to ask?' is needed as it's sort of implied by the 2nd part of the line.
sun, softening my shoulders,
thrown down in long grass,
picnic blanket pillow talk,
too hot to walk, dusty tracks,
arms wrapped round his neck,
piggyback. great finish.

Many thanks billy, I see were your going with the swap it would set up the last stanza, I'll take that and others, much appreciated.