Glass

[joshkt]

theres a giant glass house where no one can be found
theres a tiny glass box that never makes a sound
theres a world inside that box
the world inside your mind
the box shows everything that you could never say
everything that you always thought
the box never laughs, never lies
the box is all your hopes, all you fought for
in the middle of the box is a tiny noise
a noise that no one can hear
a noise that can change a soul
the noise that can make you or break you
the voice that was never heard
theres a tiny glass box that holds all of this
theres a giant glass house that traps it

[Leanne]

Hiya Josh, you have a really interesting concept here. Your poem seems to be about hope and desperation in equal measure, with that giant glass house being the confines of society or cultural ideals (at least that's how it sounds to me!)

there's is a contraction, so you need an apostrophe.

I like that you've started and finished on the same image, with a little bit of a twist. I tend to think your poem gets a bit bogged down with all the repetition in the middle, but it's a good start

[billy]

hi josh. at present, the poem is a little list like in how it's expressed. see if you can get some kind of rhythm going with it and if it makes any difference. there's a bit of confusion in that the box never makes a sound but there's a tiny sound in the middle of it. you capture a feeling of being trapped, closed in or out from the rest of the world, but i think you need more depth

[Todd]

Hi Josh,

This is a fun little mystery of a poem. I think the house is less important than the noise. I think you may want the noise to start and end the poem. Suggestion for the opening:

theres a tiny glass box that never makes a sound
in a giant glass house where no one can be found

For the ending:

the noise that can break you

Make you/break you is a cliche. Break you though is what happens to glass. I imagine a struck tuning fork like noise within the box.

This has a lot of potential.

Best,

Todd

theres a giant glass house where no one can be found
theres a tiny glass box that never makes a sound
theres a world inside that box
the world inside your mind
the box shows everything that you could never say
everything that you always thought
the box never laughs, never lies
the box is all your hopes, all you fought for
in the middle of the box is a tiny noise
a noise that no one can hear
a noise that can change a soul
the noise that can make you or break you
the voice that was never heard
theres a tiny glass box that holds all of this
theres a giant glass house that traps it

[joshkt]

Thank you all for your feedback! I never have really tried to make any certain rhythm to my poems or really perfect them in anyway so to speak. I just write whats on my mind and never really look at it again, but I will definitely start to look at the little things in my poems! Thanks again!

[Hidrolic]

I like the idea and concept of this poem but I think the execution is a little off.

[hobbit86]

interesting poem...at first I got the idea of the glass house being of the saying "don't throw stones in glass houses", which is along the lines of the saying "those without sin, be the first to throw stone"...if the glass house is along the lines of the first poem, does that mean those hopes in that little glass box are unreachable? hence why no one can be found in the house? I'm a bit confused by the meaning of this poem, but I'm probably just being simple! I like the imagery and some of the ideas it gives off...just left a bit confused...