To Dakhla-Par Avion

[tectak]

First Leg Tunis to Es Senia

As we climbed, the hissing sand exfoliated wings once white;
Saharan dust plumed rouge astern and mingled with our oil-smoked wake;
But mixture set, the carb shed ice, and soon we flew in gin-clear light.
Ahead, up loomed the Atlas peaks; below, the fog on Tunis Lake.

As warned by Saint-Exupéry, wind buffeted our jaunty kite;
each sensed, as he, the lift from land, warming ‘neath sun’s bloodshot eye.
We yawed left in the on-shore blast, that turned us from our route-planned height,
but came the green of Kasserine, in denser air we shot to sky.

A silence fell. No words could tell how glorious the ice-crazed crests;
or loose a sigh of indrawn breath on sight of sparkling azure sea.
What lay beneath us rolled like gold, arcs of gilded dunes; whilst west
dark wadis ran from hasting day, and haboobs sucked the mountain's lee.

This is the joy the gods would keep, as they look down on precious land;
This is the beauty height bestows upon Saharan barren plains.
This is the wonder and dismay, that blood has spilled to name just sand;
but we who heard the stinging air, we are like gods. We fly again.

tectak
2013
A small craft flight ( Cherokee 6) from Tunis to Dakhla. First leg, Es Senia airstrip. 691 miles, 5hrs 12mins, cruising at 5500ft.
1968

[rowens]

I have to leave again. So I don't have time to say much.

But I just noticed how 'neath the sun's...

the computer makes it look, in your post, like neath the sun is in single quotes.

I was wondering about things like that. The angle of the mark.

---

Maybe an auto-correct program makes stuff like that happen?

[tectak]

I have to leave again. So I don't have time to say much.

But I just noticed how 'neath the sun's...

the computer makes it look, in your post, like neath the sun is in single quotes.

I was wondering about things like that. The angle of the mark.

---

Maybe an auto-correct program makes stuff like that happen?

Hi rowans,
I think you think too much, if that is possible.Your crits are almost poetry in themselves. Don't worry about the Auks in your ink-wells; they are not real.
Write more....I will read you.
Best,
tectak

[rowens]

This part sounds a little off, just a bit clumsy. But at the same time, I've heard people say it a lot, "shot to sky":

"in denser air we shot to sky"...

And this, too, even though I like it. The wording feels cluttered:

"that blood has spilled to name just sand"...


A poem like this makes me excited and jealous; because I used to read Saint-Exupery late at night, and think about flying airplanes, and making strange night deliveries to isolated airbases. But then I never even learned to drive a car properly.

[svanhoeven]

A silence fell. No words could tell how glorious the ice-crazed crests;
^-- how glorious the ice-crazed crests what? You need some verb or form of "be" in there, e.g. "how glorious were the ice-crazed crests", or flatly speaking, "how glorious the ice-crazed crests were". Or maybe "how glorious rose the ice-crazed crests". You could also remove the "how" that needs the verb, and make it "No words could tell the glory of the ice-crazed crests;" (adjust for meter as necessary)
or loose a sigh of indrawn breath on sight of sparkling azure sea.
What lay beneath us rolled like gold, arcs of gilded dunes; whilst west
dark wadis ran from hasting day, and haboobs sucked the mountain's lee.
<-- Instead of "hasting", did you mean to use "hast'ning" as an elision of "hastening"?

tectak
2013
A small craft flight ( Cherokee 6) from Tunis to Dakhla. First leg, Es Senia airstrip. 691 miles, 5hrs 12mins, cruising at 5500ft.
1968

[tectak]

A silence fell. No words could tell how glorious the ice-crazed crests;
^-- how glorious the ice-crazed crests what? You need some verb or form of "be" in there, e.g. "how glorious were the ice-crazed crests", or flatly speaking, "how glorious the ice-crazed crests were". Or maybe "how glorious rose the ice-crazed crests". You could also remove the "how" that needs the verb, and make it "No words could tell the glory of the ice-crazed crests;" (adjust for meter as necessary)
or loose a sigh of indrawn breath on sight of sparkling azure sea.
What lay beneath us rolled like gold, arcs of gilded dunes; whilst west
dark wadis ran from hasting day, and haboobs sucked the mountain's lee.
<-- Instead of "hasting", did you mean to use "hast'ning" as an elision of "hastening"?

tectak
2013
A small craft flight ( Cherokee 6) from Tunis to Dakhla. First leg, Es Senia airstrip. 691 miles, 5hrs 12mins, cruising at 5500ft.
1968

Both good catches. Thanks.
I am poetically licenced ( BN123/HJ5465234) to use hasting. Furthermore, my wife says that the verb is implied in the sentence you refer to and though I think you may be more right than wrong I sleep with her. Its you against her. Let's see what the crits might say.
Best,
tectak

[rowens]

You could put glorious in italics.

[tectak]

You could put glorious in italics.

That is a bloody good idea. Why?
Best,
tectak

[rowens]

If you agree with what that other fella said.

[svanhoeven]

Both good catches. Thanks.
I am poetically licenced ( BN123/HJ5465234) to use hasting. Furthermore, my wife says that the verb is implied in the sentence you refer to

As a fellow believer in the doctrine of matriarchal infallibility, I withdraw my objection.

and though I think you may be more right than wrong I sleep with her. Its you against her.

I don't know what kind of competition you're suggesting, but I forfeit.

[tectak]

Both good catches. Thanks.
I am poetically licenced ( BN123/HJ5465234) to use hasting. Furthermore, my wife says that the verb is implied in the sentence you refer to

As a fellow believer in the doctrine of matriarchal infallibility, I withdraw my objection.

and though I think you may be more right than wrong I sleep with her. Its you against her.

I don't know what kind of competition you're suggesting, but I forfeit.

It really doesn't matter what the competition is....just don't fucking tell her I agree with you

[Mr. Shankly]

Your poem paints a lovely picture. I realize that my knowledge of poetry is too limited to offer any real critique--Damn you undergraduate degree in politics--I'll guess have to spend more time reading the responses of others.

[Pete Ak]

First Leg Tunis to Es Senia

As we climbed, the hissing sand exfoliated wings once white;
^To write sentences like this is beyond any talent I may have. You don't want or need a hyphen after 'sand' tho, - do you?
Saharan dust plumed rouge astern and mingled with our oil-smoked wake;
But mixture set, the carb shed ice, and soon we flew in gin-clear light.
Ahead, up loomed the Atlas peaks; below, the fog on Tunis Lake.
^ Do you really need 'up'? - As technically correct as it probably is, it just feels unnecessary.
As warned by Saint-Exupéry, wind buffeted our jaunty kite;
each sensed, as he, the lift from land, warming ‘neath the sun’s red eye.
We yawed left in the on-shore blast, that turned us from our route-planned height,
but came the green of Kasserine, in denser air we shot to sky.
^To me, this verse appears cleverly put together.
A silence fell. No words could tell how glorious the ice-crazed crests;
^Something about the connection between these two lines (^V) keeps me going back to re-read. It must be the words 'or loose' - are they essential to meaning? It's not impossible I'm being blind or dull here.
or loose a sigh of indrawn breath on sight of sparkling azure sea.
What lay beneath us rolled like gold, arcs of gilded dunes; whilst west
dark wadis ran from hasting day, and haboobs sucked the mountain's lee.
^'hasting'?
If I was to write a line like this , somewhere in the poem (usually contiguous) I'd have to discuss what was east as well as west. OCD is perhaps not an asset when constructing poems so I'm offering this gem with the thought that you may consider whether the psychological drive toward 'completeness' (gestalt theory) might encourage 'tidiness' here!
This is the joy the gods would keep, as they look down on precious land;
This is the beauty height bestows upon Saharan barren plains.
This is the wonder and dismay, that blood has spilled to name just sand;
^Struck me as an important line, pity the second phrase confuses me. Is it that N bemoans conflicts that have been fought for the limited and dubious distinction of being able to name a piece of the desert? If so 'was' may work better than "has"
but we who heard the stinging air, we are like gods. We fly again.
^I'd love to write a piece in which I could pull off "we are like Gods"
tectak
2013
A small craft flight ( Cherokee 6) from Tunis to Dakhla. First leg, Es Senia airstrip. 691 miles, 5hrs 12mins, cruising at 5500ft.
1968

Overall, the poem thrilled me despite imperfections, more than that I'm impressed by the craft that I suspect has gone into it. However I did note how much more airborne the piece becomes with internal rhymes - 'green' and 'Kasserine' (which I've still to look up). Would it be worth it to try re-working so that there are more of them perhaps as line 4 in each S?
I dare you...

[shemthepenman]

I got sucked into this poem.

anyhow, two things. Firstly, the opening line is really very good, but the word ‘exfoliated’ just doesn’t seem to fit. I know why it is there… but (for me) it sounds too, dare I say, common (if that makes sense). Of course, it says exactly what it means, paints a picture, as it should; but the word just sounds a bit clunky within the poem. The trouble is the line itself is wonderful, therefore I am probably being overly critical and if it were mine would struggle to change it… then probably wouldn't change it at all

The second thing, ‘the sun’s red eye’. In an otherwise creative piece this sticks out.

[tectak]

First Leg Tunis to Es Senia

As we climbed, the hissing sand exfoliated wings once white;
^To write sentences like this is beyond any talent I may have. You don't want or need a hyphen after 'sand' tho, - do you?
Saharan dust plumed rouge astern and mingled with our oil-smoked wake;
But mixture set, the carb shed ice, and soon we flew in gin-clear light.
Ahead, up loomed the Atlas peaks; below, the fog on Tunis Lake.
^ Do you really need 'up'? - As technically correct as it probably is, it just feels unnecessary.
As warned by Saint-Exupéry, wind buffeted our jaunty kite;
each sensed, as he, the lift from land, warming ‘neath the sun’s red eye.
We yawed left in the on-shore blast, that turned us from our route-planned height,
but came the green of Kasserine, in denser air we shot to sky.
^To me, this verse appears cleverly put together.
A silence fell. No words could tell how glorious the ice-crazed crests;
^Something about the connection between these two lines (^V) keeps me going back to re-read. It must be the words 'or loose' - are they essential to meaning? It's not impossible I'm being blind or dull here.
or loose a sigh of indrawn breath on sight of sparkling azure sea.
What lay beneath us rolled like gold, arcs of gilded dunes; whilst west
dark wadis ran from hasting day, and haboobs sucked the mountain's lee.
^'hasting'?
If I was to write a line like this , somewhere in the poem (usually contiguous) I'd have to discuss what was east as well as west. OCD is perhaps not an asset when constructing poems so I'm offering this gem with the thought that you may consider whether the psychological drive toward 'completeness' (gestalt theory) might encourage 'tidiness' here!
This is the joy the gods would keep, as they look down on precious land;
This is the beauty height bestows upon Saharan barren plains.
This is the wonder and dismay, that blood has spilled to name just sand;
^Struck me as an important line, pity the second phrase confuses me. Is it that N bemoans conflicts that have been fought for the limited and dubious distinction of being able to name a piece of the desert? If so 'was' may work better than "has"
but we who heard the stinging air, we are like gods. We fly again.
^I'd love to write a piece in which I could pull off "we are like Gods"
tectak
2013
A small craft flight ( Cherokee 6) from Tunis to Dakhla. First leg, Es Senia airstrip. 691 miles, 5hrs 12mins, cruising at 5500ft.
1968

Overall, the poem thrilled me despite imperfections, more than that I'm impressed by the craft that I suspect has gone into it. However I did note how much more air
borne the piece becomes with internal rhymes - 'green' and 'Kasserine' (which I've still to look up). Would it be worth it to try re-working so that there are more of them perhaps as line 4 in each S?
I dare you...

Thanks for all this Pete. You give me much to mull .
Exfoliated is the verb, so that sticks.
The "up" is purely there to keep the rhythm intact. I don't like it,either. What to do?
The "loose" word is badly placed and I may have to change this. Good catch.
"hasting" I have already pronounced upon elsewhere.
Gestalt movement. Somewhere on this site I have a piece on Gestalts. Thoughts completed. It is a bit of a thing with me. I was taken with the concept back in the 60's and a lot stuck. The poem I wrote is crap.....but it is complete crap.
East-West is not a problem. Everywhere the sun rises it rises in the east. So fleeing wadis run to the west....and they do. Only noticeable from the air.
I will make changes before the second leg, Es Senia to Layounne.
Best,
tectak

[tectak]

Your poem paints a lovely picture. I realize that my knowledge of poetry is too limited to offer any real critique--Damn you undergraduate degree in politics--I'll guess have to spend more time reading the responses of others.

Thank you ,sar, for reading this.
The whole thing was made easier because it is true. I guess that might dissuade the veritas-verse brigade from making contradictions but it shouldn't stop you or anyone expressing opinions on the piece. Your opinions are as valid as anyone's and as welcome.
Best,
tectak

[serge gurkski]

Overall I like it.

First Leg Tunis to Es Senia

As we climbed, the hissing sand exfoliated wings once white;
Saharan dust plumed rouge astern and mingled with our oil-smoked wake;
But mixture set, the carb shed ice, and soon we flew in gin-clear light.
Ahead, up loomed the Atlas peaks; below, the fog on Tunis Lake. <<< very nice flow

As warned by Saint-Exupéry, wind buffeted our jaunty kite;
each sensed, as he, the lift from land, warming ‘neath sun’s bloodshot eye.<<< each sensed the lift from land, warming beneath sun's bloodshot eye
We yawed left in the on-shore blast, that turned us from our route-planned height,
but came the green of Kasserine, in denser air we shot to sky. <<< rhymes but I like it

A silence fell. No words could tell how glorious the ice-crazed crests; <<< I like: ice-crazed crests, the line; hm?
or loose a sigh of indrawn breath on sight of sparkling azure sea.
What lay beneath us rolled like gold, arcs of gilded dunes; whilst west
dark wadis ran from hasting day, and haboobs sucked the mountain's lee. <<

This is the joy the gods would keep, as they look down on precious land;
This is the beauty height bestows upon Saharan barren plains.
This is the wonder and dismay, that blood has spilled to name just sand;
but we who heard the stinging air, we are like gods. We fly again. <<< to me this poem can do without this stanza. It is already fine.

tectak
2013
A small craft flight ( Cherokee 6) from Tunis to Dakhla. First leg, Es Senia airstrip. 691 miles, 5hrs 12mins, cruising at 5500ft.
1968

I like the plot of this. call m kinky (as if I minded, but I like this too:small craft flight ( Cherokee 6) from Tunis to Dakhla. First leg, Es Senia airstrip. 691 miles, 5hrs 12mins, cruising at 5500ft.
1968 . i find it sexy (no lingua in maxillam.)

cheers
serge

[tectak]

Overall I like it.

First Leg Tunis to Es Senia

As we climbed, the hissing sand exfoliated wings once white;
Saharan dust plumed rouge astern and mingled with our oil-smoked wake;
But mixture set, the carb shed ice, and soon we flew in gin-clear light.
Ahead, up loomed the Atlas peaks; below, the fog on Tunis Lake. <<< very nice flow

As warned by Saint-Exupéry, wind buffeted our jaunty kite;
each sensed, as he, the lift from land, warming ‘neath sun’s bloodshot eye.<<< each sensed the lift from land, warming beneath sun's bloodshot eye
We yawed left in the on-shore blast, that turned us from our route-planned height,
but came the green of Kasserine, in denser air we shot to sky. <<< rhymes but I like it

A silence fell. No words could tell how glorious the ice-crazed crests; <<< I like: ice-crazed crests, the line; hm?
or loose a sigh of indrawn breath on sight of sparkling azure sea.
What lay beneath us rolled like gold, arcs of gilded dunes; whilst west
dark wadis ran from hasting day, and haboobs sucked the mountain's lee. <<

This is the joy the gods would keep, as they look down on precious land;
This is the beauty height bestows upon Saharan barren plains.
This is the wonder and dismay, that blood has spilled to name just sand;
but we who heard the stinging air, we are like gods. We fly again. <<< to me this poem can do without this stanza. It is already fine.

tectak
2013
A small craft flight ( Cherokee 6) from Tunis to Dakhla. First leg, Es Senia airstrip. 691 miles, 5hrs 12mins, cruising at 5500ft.
1968

I like the plot of this. call m kinky (as if I minded, but I like this too:small craft flight ( Cherokee 6) from Tunis to Dakhla. First leg, Es Senia airstrip. 691 miles, 5hrs 12mins, cruising at 5500ft.
1968 . i find it sexy (no lingua in maxillam.)

cheers
serge

Thanks for this serge. The last verse,as you say,is probably superfluous BUT other "legs" will follow and all will have the same final stanza, slightly modified.
The sun's red eye line I have changed once. It is not an easy line to change. I will look again, though.
Best,
tectak

[serge gurkski]

I am prepared for the worst, tec. ;-)

seriously I like this. Please keep going.

cheers
serge

[tectak]

I am prepared for the worst, tec. ;-)

seriously I like this. Please keep going.

cheers
serge

I am not happy about you getting off on my efforts