Posts: 36
Threads: 8
Joined: Dec 2012
V2
Like a drop in its delicate descent
towards the rigid ground
yet like a mountain top, which never bends
thick and rarely downed
A rose, so grand and pliant
deflective in the wind
yet the roots defiant
the flower's core rescind
Prowess to speak, declare
around her breaks and cracks
set ablaze, a potent flare
daring, in a lack/by much lacks
Knees shake and shoulders shiver
all thoughts depart
like a leaf into a river
by the fast-paced beat of my heart
In her presence, a mind obtuse
and courage chooses to abscond
reason proclaims that it's no use
but heart, near stars and far beyond
Sentiment I now assert
with line and word
as my mouth may distort
but my writing remains unblurred
A question, now, about to follow
for a girl divine
your hand, may I borrow
on this year's Valentine?
Valentine
A drop in its delicate descend
towards the rigid ground
a mountain top, which never bends
thick and rarely downed
A rose, so grand and pliant
deflective in the wind
yet the roots defiant
the flower's core rescind
Prowess to speak, declare
around her breaks and cracks
set ablaze, a potent flare
daring, by much lacks
Knees shake and shoulders shiver
all thoughts depart
like a leaf into a river
by the fast-paced beat of my heart
In her presence, a mind obtuse
and courage chooses to abscond
reason proclaims that it's no use
but heart, near stars and far beyond
Sentiment I now assert
with line and word
as my mouth may distort
but my writing remains unblurred
A question, now, about to follow
for a girl divine
your hand, may I borrow
on this year's Valentine?
A drop in its delicate descend
Is it 'descent'? Look it up. I think I'm right about that.
towards the rigid ground
a mountain top, which never bends
thick and rarely downed
The mountain is rarely downed?
A rose, so grand and pliant
deflective in the wind
yet the roots defiant
the flower's core rescind
Prowess to speak, declare
around her breaks and cracks
set ablaze, a potent flare
daring, by much lacks
"Lacks"?
Knees shake and shoulders shiver
all thoughts depart
like a leaf into a river
by the fast-paced beat of my heart
In her presence, a mind obtuse
and courage chooses to abscond
reason proclaims that it's no use
but heart, near stars and far beyond
It is obtuse.
Sentiment I now assert
with line and word
as my mouth may distort
but my writing remains unblurred
The sentiment is obvious, while the writing will make it seem blurred to most girls that often find themselves the recipient of poems like this from intelligent and passionate, but verbose, men that would be better off making dick jokes, half the time. I know all about it.
A question, now, about to follow
for a girl divine
your hand, may I borrow
on this year's Valentine?
This last part seems the most effective. If this is actually written for a girl.
Posts: 36
Threads: 8
Joined: Dec 2012
Yes, mountains can break, can they not?
I must say, my mind obtuse or not, I'm not sure what you're trying to say. At all.
If the mountain never bends, then it more than rarely never breaks.
Posts: 36
Threads: 8
Joined: Dec 2012
You never know what nature may do 
The paragraph you've written interests me the most and I would like it elaborated, please 
I have an obtuse mind, too. But I still see where practical people are coming from. And girls aren't always impressed by things that go over their heads. Of course, I don't know what girl you wrote this for, or if this was even written for anyone in particular. But I know from experience that many girls do go for dating the morons quicker than for someone they have to put effort into understanding.
Posts: 36
Threads: 8
Joined: Dec 2012
Too many big words and metaphors. Will edit it a little. Thank you, sir
Posts: 32
Threads: 7
Joined: Jan 2013
Well, it is "descent." But yes, a thick mountain rarely falls down, and it can make some sense if you realize it is a metaphor for something else. And "Lacks" is a real word, I'm not entirely sure what's wrong with that.
For me, the problem is that the wording is a bit awkward and your commas interrupt the flow of the words that do work. That's what I'd revise.
Won't be seeing you through the field of tears I left behind
I was thinking that "lack" would be better. Since "lacks" is usually used as in "He lacks this or that." And it doesn't work well here.
And the first stanza goes from the "drop" to the "mountain" with no punctuation: so at first, you think they have something to do with each other. Rain falling, a tear falling, on or near the mountain? You read it a few times and you see that it's two different subjects altogether, the "drop" and the "mountain". A person can never bend with their feelings, but fall down sometimes; but the mountain part gets in the way.
Posts: 36
Threads: 8
Joined: Dec 2012
Okay, so far, these are the changes I've made, tell me if it seems better (first and third stanza changed so far):
Like a drop in its delicate descent
towards the rigid ground
yet like a mountain top, which never bends
thick and rarely downed
A rose, so grand and pliant
deflective in the wind
yet the roots defiant
the flower's core rescind
Prowess to speak, declare
around her breaks and cracks
set ablaze, a potent flare
daring, in a lack/by much lacks
Knees shake and shoulders shiver
all thoughts depart
like a leaf into a river
by the fast-paced beat of my heart
In her presence, a mind obtuse
and courage chooses to abscond
reason proclaims that it's no use
but heart, near stars and far beyond
Sentiment I now assert
with line and word
as my mouth may distort
but my writing remains unblurred
A question, now, about to follow
for a girl divine
your hand, may I borrow
on this year's Valentine?
P.S.: I've noticed, rowens, you first described my mind then yours as obtuse... The first I'd find normal but the second use of it dazzles me, so, just to be clear... http://www.thefreedictionary.com/obtuse We're using it in the same context, right?
I had to search for my definition for a few minutes, but I found this:
b: difficult to comprehend : not clear or precise in thought or expression
I was thinking like when someone calls a book "dense". They don't mean dull or slow-witted, but compact, with lots of things going on, like a dense ocean.
I'm being clear with you, as much as I can. That doesn't mean my mind, or my poems are as clear. Since you asked: you might can search this forum for something like "Building a Nest Much More Complicated" and see what I mean.
I'll read your revisions now or in a little bit.
Of course, I didn't revise my poem. I'm very stubborn. Maybe your obtuse mind can get something out of it.
It helps, too, if you put your revision in the first post, above the original version.
Posts: 36
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Joined: Dec 2012
I read ''Building a Nest Much More Complicated'' - reads very nicely but I barely understood it.
Put the revision in the original post.
"daring, in a lack/by much lacks"
Do you mean this as part of the poem, or is the "/by much lacks" a variable option?
Best to put the new version above the original version. So when someone new comes to it, they'll read the latest version first.
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Joined: Dec 2012
An option
Maybe, 'daring in his lack'?
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Joined: Jan 2013
Ah. I think I see what you mean.
I still disagree with you about "Lacks" being wrong. "He lacks," not "he lack." It's a tense thing, I think. But honestly I can't remember the exact reason, I just know I've never read that in any kind of book I've read.
You're looking at "lack" as only a noun, judging by your last post. It is used as a verb in this poem. Well, it was until you told him not to.
Won't be seeing you through the field of tears I left behind
You mean if he said 'But much lacks'? He had "By much lacks".
Posts: 36
Threads: 8
Joined: Dec 2012
By much lacks, as in lacks greatly O.o
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