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Rev. 1:
Dawnwards from the Takla Makan,
I abuse an Uyghur desert to
metaphorize death to
make it glitter and shine
more finely with me,
longing for another
fix of oytocin,
while I linger as dull
as before and my
shivers ebb down,
when I am bathing my blood
in golden brown liquids
to numb
the waste of whys.
Original:
Sundawnwards from the Taklamakan,
abusing an Uyghur desert
to metaphorize death
in order to make the exit
more glittery and shiny and
fine -with- me, I
long for my oxytocin fix
to linger some senseless time more,
(me being) a shiver ebbing down
my blood bathing in golden brown,
a waste wasted on whys.
I think this sounds pretty good. To me it does. Only the line "to linger some senseless time more" seems sort of awkward at first.
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(01-20-2013, 12:10 AM)rowens Wrote: I think this sounds pretty good. To me it does. Only the line "to linger some senseless time more" seems sort of awkward at first.
Thank you. I could get rid of senseless time I guess.
It kind of works, if you stop and think about it. I just figured maybe you didn't want anyone to stop with that line, so it would flow a little more smoothly. But in context, senselessly lingering is an effect in its way. I like such effects in writing.
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I thought I could omit it because it is somewhat tautological and the flow is more important.
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(01-19-2013, 08:05 AM)serge gurkski Wrote: Sundawnwards from the Taklamakan,
abusing an Uyghur desert
to metaphorize death
in order to make the exit
more glittery and shiny and
fine -with- me, I
long for my oxytocin fix
to linger some senseless time more,
(me being) a shiver ebbing down
my blood bathing in golden brown,
a waste wasted on whys. Serge,
What can I say? You make up words, you go through hyphens like I go through underpants, you write free-style ( almost abandoned) until you no longer make any sense, you use grammar as if it was confetti at a Chicago wedding, you stick words in brackets as if that helps (it doesn't) and yet you want me crit this? I cannot. It is just too perfect.  ..........like most of the stuff I write when pissed.
Best,
tectak
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(01-20-2013, 01:28 AM)tectak Wrote: (01-19-2013, 08:05 AM)serge gurkski Wrote: Sundawnwards from the Taklamakan,
abusing an Uyghur desert
to metaphorize death
in order to make the exit
more glittery and shiny and
fine -with- me, I
long for my oxytocin fix
to linger some senseless time more,
(me being) a shiver ebbing down
my blood bathing in golden brown,
a waste wasted on whys. Serge,
What can I say? You make up words, you go through hyphens like I go through underpants, you write free-style ( almost abandoned) until you no longer make any sense, you use grammar as if it was confetti at a Chicago wedding, you stick words in brackets as if that helps (it doesn't) and yet you want me crit this? I cannot. It is just too perfect...........like most of the stuff I write when pissed.
Best,
tectak
I like confetti at a Chicago wedding. You have not yet seen my hyphen-orgy, Stalker liked it of course, ,-)
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a waste wasted on whys.
or a waste wasted on why-nots.
the last line, in my opinion is the best line in this posie - you could add a comma
a waste, wasted on whys.
oh and you could tighten up this bit
in order to make the exit
more glittery and shiny and
fine -with- me,
in order to make the exit
glitter and shine. More fine-with-me,
and this bit
to linger some senseless time more,
some options:
to linger for more senseless time
to linger, making more senseless time
I know you dont expect me to crit anything - I comment because I want to.
StalKeR
ps - can you put your trash out? I don't know what you have been eating for lunch.
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Sorry, but why oxytocin? I think this word completly threw me.
I inject this into the mares after they have foaled to help contract the uterus (or after insemination to achive the same function...too much information perhaps). The usage in humas was i thought predominantly the same. There is a minor association with brain function and healing, was this then the drift of this line?
I liked the sound and the flow of the poem and the images were vivid, in fact as with a lot of your posts I enjoyed the read, apart from that one word which just confused me as to why you had used it. Perhaps when the flow of crits has run its course you could give me a steer with this.
(Had to look up the desert referance ! - thanks for the link  ) AJ
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not answering for the gurksta - but when I read it I thought it was about the fact that oxytocin is released when we bond (so new babies, and also uterus blahblah) so you get it when you are close to a new person and that lovey mush feeling.
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(01-20-2013, 02:46 AM)Stalker Wrote: not answering for the gurksta - but when I read it I thought it was about the fact that oxytocin is released when we bond (so new babies, and also uterus blahblah) so you get it when you are close to a new person and that lovey mush feeling.
Yeh that could work I suppose, but i think that oxytocin is the female hormone and Vasopressin is the male version during sexual or any other form of phisical bonding and I had taken this to be a male voice in the poem.... so apprecaite the Blah, blah babies and uterus comment, probably was too much information, at the end of the day was just trying to quantify my nit for the sake of the critique. I think for me I just have too many post foaling pictures in my head to get beyond them and appreciate the use of this image.  But as ever this is only my personal feel and opinion on this one word and this was a good read.
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oh - well I learnt something - cheers! Vasopressin - can we use it as a fixative? does it work? why do they leave in the morning? (don't bother to answer me...)
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oxytocin is produced by the pituitary gland of mammals of both sexes. It has several effects. The milk producing is maybe the best known of these and social bonding another. Vasopressin is very similar to oxytocin but not the "male" equivalent to it.
Thank you cidermaid and stalker for reading and commenting. Just btw I did not expect tec to crit. ,-)
I will incorporate some of your suggestions in a revision..
cheers
Serge
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(no critique – sorry, but i had to comment)
I read it… I didn’t like it… I read it again... really like it.
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I posted a tentative revision. Thanks to all commentators / critics.
(shem: thank you for your feedback, too, of course. :-))
cheers
serge
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Hi Serge,
Think the edit has pulled it together and improved the end dramatically. (Also, although i had not mentioned it, I was not a fan of the opening word and think this the subtraction [if that is the right word] is better).
Sorry still don't like the use of oxytocin but as i'm in a minority will shut up about it.
Good edit. Good poem.
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Hi Cider! As I said: tentative. I thought about oxitocin and what pops up first as an association in most people. I can imagine that it can't do it for you here because your first association will be the milk triggering thing. Well, must let that simmer a bit. But at least you know that I do get you. :-)
cheers serge
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