There is no bright light to travel toward (revision)

[Todd]

The stories you’ve been told are wrong;
this is no mild passage

to golden streets. There is no comfort-

ing metaphor for this state.

The breath escapes,
the body shudders, exhales.

Life unzips like an old coat,
discarded.

Memories drown in the river
facts alone remain, well-worn stones

without significance. This is lost to us,
a Lethean draught, irremediable


concealing loves, cares that bind, tying
us to this world, that we may not leave


this woman at my bedside, my wife,
presses a damp cloth to my face.

She has become
an actress in an old movie


that I might have watched once.

These recollections form an endless list

of mocking credits rolling
NamesUponNamesUponNames


in this oppressive quiet
ForeverForeverForever.

[earlymorningnoises]

Wow. I'm not sure if its imagery or a different device but these the four lines:


this woman at my bedside, my wife,
presses a damp cloth to my face.

She has become
an actress in an old movie


really struck a note with me. Can you explain " These recollections form an endless list of mocking credits rolling"? I don't think i understand your use of mocking.

[Todd]

Hi Joe, I'm glad the lines struck a note. I'll hold off on the explanation for now. I will give you an answer, but I don't want to influence the critiques inadvertently.

Thank you

[Stalker]

Hi Todd

I really like your poem, and the steady pace of it - i also have a coupla questions



The stories you’ve been told are wrong;
this is no mild passage => I really like these lines - alot - I am not so sure about the title though, why do you need 'to travel toward'?

to golden streets. There is no comfort-

ing metaphor for this state.

The breath escapes,
the body shudders, exhales.

Life unzips like an old coat,
discarded.=> i love life unzips - but why discarded after a comma? it seems a bit lost and unnescessary to me.

Memories drown in the river
facts alone remain, well-worn stones

without significance. This is lost to us,
a Lethean draught, irremediable
 => and here I am a bit confused - you tell us about the river of oblivion, but what is lost? the memories - ok - shouldn't it be 'these are'? When I first read this I read Irredeemable - actually I struggle to say irremediable... I am sure it is a word but wouldnt we normally say incurable or without remedy?

It is the memories that drown, but the narrator who takes a glug (draught) - I find the subject of this part a bit obscured.

Anyway although I understand you perfectly well (I think) there seems to be something amiss.

concealing loves, cares that bind, tying => why not conceals, do you really need the comma and tying? On the topic of conceals - the draught obliterates all memories, so the loves are more deleted or removed than concealed arent they? They are not there and they have never been there.
us to this world, that we may not leave


this woman at my bedside, my wife, => and here I am also a bit confuzzled because you change from 'we' to 'my' mid sentence.
presses a damp cloth to my face.

She has become
an actress in an old movie


that I might have watched once.

These recollections form an endless list

of mocking credits rolling
NamesUponNamesUponNames


in this oppressive quiet
ForeverForeverForever.
[/quote]



I do like this, it is both simple and complex simultaneously, and the pace seems to re-inforce the last exhalation idea, just waiting. Purgatoryesque?

I have been a but picky I think - but that is because I really like it, not because I don't - very fab idea IMHO.

StalKeR

[Todd]

Stalker, I appreciate the read and the comments. I will give them some serious thought as I consider further revision. Thank you for taking the time with this.

[rowens]

I really don't see any problems with this. If you want to add to it, that's one thing. But nothing negative to say.[/align]

---

That align has nothing to do with anything. Must have pushed some button by mistake.

[Leanne]

The stories you’ve been told are wrong; -- I want this to be a colon for emphasis, but you know me and punctuation
this is no mild passage -- could also be soft passage, which is the more common term and might highlight the refutation of the "stories"

to golden streets. There is no comfort- -- love the strong enjambment

ing metaphor for this state.

The breath escapes, -- could also be a full stop here instead
the body shudders, exhales.

Life unzips like an old coat,
discarded.

Memories drown in the river -- do you need "in the river"? You could achieve a similar image by putting "well-worn river stones" in the next line
facts alone remain, well-worn stones

without significance. This is lost to us,
a Lethean draught, irremediable


concealing loves, cares that bind, tying -- nice inversion of the more cliched phrasing
us to this world, that we may not leave


this woman at my bedside, my wife, -- you could remove "my wife" from here, and...
presses a damp cloth to my face.

She has become -- start this line with it: "my wife has become"
an actress in an old movie


that I might have watched once.

These recollections form an endless list

of mocking credits rolling
NamesUponNamesUponNames
 -- excellent

in this oppressive quiet
ForeverForeverForever. -- and a haunting finish

You can see from my suggestions that I can only think of minor stylistic changes, because the substance is already very strong. The things I've mentioned are preference only. This is excellent stuff.

[Todd]

Rowens: thank you. I appreciate the comments.

Leanne: Thanks for the comments Leanne. I will likely adopt some of them. You have a good eye.

All of the comments have given me much to consider on the revision.

Thanks again all.

[tectak]

The stories you’ve been told are wrong;
this is no mild passage

to golden streets. There is no comfort-

ing metaphor for this state.I just cannot help myself, but nor can you, todd. What IS the point of these peculiar and pointless line breaks? I reads as if you keep having mini-strokes Did you look for a word to avoid the "easy passage" cliche. Sometimes the avoidance highlights the cliche. I keep hearing my muse scream "easy". On a more kindly note, I just don't think that "mild" is the right word. Ask this question. "Welcome Mr. Leif Ericson, how was your passage across the Atlantic Ocean?" . "It was not mild". Hmmmm.

The breath escapes,
the body shudders, exhales.

Life unzips like an old coat,
discarded.As a metaphor this works but the devil lies in the detail. Unbuttons, maybe? Trouble is the metaphor does not withstand logical reasoning. Is the "unzipping" operative? Should you say, "Life unbuttons from an old coat, soon discarded" ? Just me.

Memories drown in the river
facts alone remain, well-worn stones

without significance. This is lost to usWhat is lost to us? You do not say or even imply. If I stretch myself I could guess but the Lethean draught (more commonly draft) seems not to affect the remaining facts
a Lethean draught, irremediable
Gasping for syntax....needs punctuation. Why the line bre.....oh, the hell with it!

concealing loves, cares that bind, tying
us to this world, that we may not leave I was not happy with the amnesia-inducing properties of the Lethean Draft, make mine a pint, only "concealing" thoughts but after a ponder and a large Bells I cannot see a more meaningful alternative. This confession should not encourage you!

this woman at my bedside, my wife,Surely this woman deserves, at the very least, a capital letter at the start of her sentence?
presses a damp cloth to my face.

She has become
an actress in an old movie


that I might have watched once.

These recollections form an endless list

of mocking credits rolling
NamesUponNamesUponNames


in this oppressive quiet
ForeverForeverForever. Consistently quirky end-lines but oh how they distract from the beautifully expressed and well understood sentiments. Grammar NEVER makes things worse. Only bad grammar does that. If you are gasping your last then OK to the breathless

pauses which you have insisted
upon. Throughout this poem

sadly, I feel robbing the piece of some of
it's worth more than this

I cannot say.

We may never agree on everything ,todd, but I like what you come up with almost every time. I am at a complete loss as to why you, and others, see fit to break up often wonderful prose in such a strangely functionless way. I have never had a sensible answer to this question.
A private re-write, with due sensitivity to the soliloquy which you have written, may never grace these boards. If you feel strongly about your "form" then I can understand WHY you would hold on to it.....but for workshopping of a piece it is problematical, overriding many of the virtues with which your work is imbued.
Best,
tectak

[Todd]

Hi Tectak,

I always enjoy your critiques whether they're for my stuff or not. You engage. You make me laugh. You put a lot into them. I appreciate all of that. Oh, and you're right we may not always agree, but that's fine. Some of my revisions take years to finally finish. I may end up agreeing with you in year three. Though there's always the chance that you've changed by then. To your comments below

The stories you’ve been told are wrong;
this is no mild passage

to golden streets. There is no comfort-

ing metaphor for this state.I just cannot help myself, but nor can you, todd. What IS the point of these peculiar and pointless line breaks? I reads as if you keep having mini-strokes Did you look for a word to avoid the "easy passage" cliche. Sometimes the avoidance highlights the cliche. I keep hearing my muse scream "easy". On a more kindly note, I just don't think that "mild" is the right word. Ask this question. "Welcome Mr. Leif Ericson, how was your passage across the Atlantic Ocean?" . "It was not mild". Hmmmm.

I know that break could be too gimmicky, and mild wont survive there long. I like your stroke line. I tend to disagree with it, but everything is on the table for revision. Mild: point taken.

The breath escapes,
the body shudders, exhales.

Life unzips like an old coat,
discarded.As a metaphor this works but the devil lies in the detail. Unbuttons, maybe? Trouble is the metaphor does not withstand logical reasoning. Is the "unzipping" operative? Should you say, "Life unbuttons from an old coat, soon discarded" ? Just me.

I'm not sure why unbuttoning would be better. What do you think this adds that unzipped doesn't give you. Is it because older style coats tended to have buttons and zippers feel too modern or something else? Operative...hmmm maybe life is unzipped. Discarded needs a little work soon is a possible consideration.


Memories drown in the river
facts alone remain, well-worn stones

without significance. This is lost to usWhat is lost to us? You do not say or even imply. If I stretch myself I could guess but the Lethean draught (more commonly draft) seems not to affect the remaining facts
a Lethean draught, irremediable
Gasping for syntax....needs punctuation. Why the line bre.....oh, the hell with it!

I'll see what I can do here.

concealing loves, cares that bind, tying
us to this world, that we may not leave I was not happy with the amnesia-inducing properties of the Lethean Draft, make mine a pint, only "concealing" thoughts but after a ponder and a large Bells I cannot see a more meaningful alternative. This confession should not encourage you!

this woman at my bedside, my wife,Surely this woman deserves, at the very least, a capital letter at the start of her sentence?
presses a damp cloth to my face.

I'll do some changes. Nice catch.

She has become
an actress in an old movie


that I might have watched once.

These recollections form an endless list

of mocking credits rolling
NamesUponNamesUponNames


in this oppressive quiet
ForeverForeverForever. Consistently quirky end-lines but oh how they distract from the beautifully expressed and well understood sentiments. Grammar NEVER makes things worse. Only bad grammar does that. If you are gasping your last then OK to the breathless

pauses which you have insisted
upon. Throughout this poem

sadly, I feel robbing the piece of some of
it's worth more than this

I cannot say.

I'll consider these comments.

We may never agree on everything ,todd, but I like what you come up with almost every time. I am at a complete loss as to why you, and others, see fit to break up often wonderful prose in such a strangely functionless way. I have never had a sensible answer to this question.

--Is it that outside of form you don't really consider free verse poetry? You may not be wired to get it? The line breaks may be awful...this isn't a defense of them. Maybe I'm misreading you but is it that you like tight minimal terse free verse and form. These longer free verse efforts by anyone read as prose to you. It doesn't minimize your comments or their helpfulness, but is that the disconnect?

A private re-write, with due sensitivity to the soliloquy which you have written, may never grace these boards. If you feel strongly about your "form" then I can understand WHY you would hold on to it.....but for workshopping of a piece it is problematical, overriding many of the virtues with which your work is imbued.

Appreciate what you're saying. All I can say is that I might chose to toss nearly anything despite my biases.

Best,
tectak

Thanks again Tec. I hope none of this came across poorly. I appreciate the feedback. I really do.

Best,

Todd

[tectak]

Hi Tectak,

I always enjoy your critiques whether they're for my stuff or not. You engage. You make me laugh. You put a lot into them. I appreciate all of that. Oh, and you're right we may not always agree, but that's fine. Some of my revisions take years to finally finish. I may end up agreeing with you in year three. Though there's always the chance that you've changed by then. To your comments below

The stories you’ve been told are wrong;
this is no mild passage

to golden streets. There is no comfort-

ing metaphor for this state.I just cannot help myself, but nor can you, todd. What IS the point of these peculiar and pointless line breaks? I reads as if you keep having mini-strokes Did you look for a word to avoid the "easy passage" cliche. Sometimes the avoidance highlights the cliche. I keep hearing my muse scream "easy". On a more kindly note, I just don't think that "mild" is the right word. Ask this question. "Welcome Mr. Leif Ericson, how was your passage across the Atlantic Ocean?" . "It was not mild". Hmmmm.

I know that break could be too gimmicky, and mild wont survive there long. I like your stroke line. I tend to disagree with it, but everything is on the table for revision. Mild: point taken.

The breath escapes,
the body shudders, exhales.

Life unzips like an old coat,
discarded.As a metaphor this works but the devil lies in the detail. Unbuttons, maybe? Trouble is the metaphor does not withstand logical reasoning. Is the "unzipping" operative? Should you say, "Life unbuttons from an old coat, soon discarded" ? Just me.

I'm not sure why unbuttoning would be better. What do you think this adds that unzipped doesn't give you. Is it because older style coats tended to have buttons and zippers feel too modern or something else? Operative...hmmm maybe life is unzipped. Discarded needs a little work soon is a possible consideration.


Memories drown in the river
facts alone remain, well-worn stones

without significance. This is lost to usWhat is lost to us? You do not say or even imply. If I stretch myself I could guess but the Lethean draught (more commonly draft) seems not to affect the remaining facts
a Lethean draught, irremediable
Gasping for syntax....needs punctuation. Why the line bre.....oh, the hell with it!

I'll see what I can do here.

concealing loves, cares that bind, tying
us to this world, that we may not leave I was not happy with the amnesia-inducing properties of the Lethean Draft, make mine a pint, only "concealing" thoughts but after a ponder and a large Bells I cannot see a more meaningful alternative. This confession should not encourage you!

this woman at my bedside, my wife,Surely this woman deserves, at the very least, a capital letter at the start of her sentence?
presses a damp cloth to my face.

I'll do some changes. Nice catch.

She has become
an actress in an old movie


that I might have watched once.

These recollections form an endless list

of mocking credits rolling
NamesUponNamesUponNames


in this oppressive quiet
ForeverForeverForever. Consistently quirky end-lines but oh how they distract from the beautifully expressed and well understood sentiments. Grammar NEVER makes things worse. Only bad grammar does that. If you are gasping your last then OK to the breathless

pauses which you have insisted
upon. Throughout this poem

sadly, I feel robbing the piece of some of
it's worth more than this

I cannot say.

I'll consider these comments.

We may never agree on everything ,todd, but I like what you come up with almost every time. I am at a complete loss as to why you, and others, see fit to break up often wonderful prose in such a strangely functionless way. I have never had a sensible answer to this question.

--Is it that outside of form you don't really consider free verse poetry? You may not be wired to get it? The line breaks may be awful...this isn't a defense of them. Maybe I'm misreading you but is it that you like tight minimal terse free verse and form. These longer free verse efforts by anyone read as prose to you. It doesn't minimize your comments or their helpfulness, but is that the disconnect?

A private re-write, with due sensitivity to the soliloquy which you have written, may never grace these boards. If you feel strongly about your "form" then I can understand WHY you would hold on to it.....but for workshopping of a piece it is problematical, overriding many of the virtues with which your work is imbued.

Appreciate what you're saying. All I can say is that I might chose to toss nearly anything despite my biases.

Best,
tectak

Thanks again Tec. I hope none of this came across poorly. I appreciate the feedback. I really do.

Best,

Todd

All fine , here todd. Workshopping. First, consider this:
LIFE UNZIPS...........LIKE AN OLD COAT, DISCARDED. OK. What is wrong?
What you are saying metaphorically is LIFE UNZIPS.....like ( ie similar to)...an old coat, discarded. You are linking a VERB, unzipping, to a NOUN...the old coat. It is thus-wise " Flying is like pig" or " Eating is like bread". The metaphorical similarities must match. Regarding the unzipping...I guess you are as much right as wrong.....its just that you don't often hear of unzipping a coat. Coat buttons I know about, coat zips I do not.
But to the BIG ISSUE. I have absolutely NO problem with prose, blank verse, rhyming verse or just story telling. This problem I have is this. When you write ANYTHING it is beholden upon you to either:
a) Please yourself by pleasing yourself.....no need to post under these circumstances. Anything goes.
b) Please your reader by pleasing yourself. This is more difficult because, yes, it is subjective on the reader.
Now, assuming that you are firmly in the (b) group, the reader's preferences are, of course, totally unpredictable. In order to be able to communicate your emotions, intent, meaning you must establish some common ground (or you are in the (a) group)
One of the best ways of doing this is to consistently use the same coding for the same intention. In any work this is true. After a few readings with this kind of "reliable" coding, the reader feels as though he can trust the writer to lead him wherever he wants to go. When you use "random" coding, there is a constant requirement on the reader to start again. Line breaks are just ONE of the codes used to tell the reader how you are thinking. Don't get me wrong...sometimes the complete lack of order in a piece is intentional (if you are writing as though you were a drunkard, an emotional wreck, high on drugs etc) ....but then it will be CONSISTENTLY dis-organised: assuming it is poetry and not just mindless rambling.
I cannot, in over 50 years think of a single piece of verse, free-verse, rhyming verse or prose that is made better by random grammar or random line spacing. Of course, I'm not dead yet.
Best,
Tom

[Todd]

Thanks for the clarification on the unzips part. I get what you're saying now. I agree with a lot of what you're saying with the rest of this. Although this may a distinction without a difference I would quibble with the choice of the word random. Outside of simple mistakes which happen nearly nothing is random for me. It may be poorly done. It may be wrong headed but there is a reason for it. Maybe that's worse.

[Stalker]

hi again - having read the other comments, i would like to add that I think it is the long lines which really add to the restrained pace of this - no rushing. Although I was initially slightly bemused by the line breaks I think they also add to the feeling of jerky last moments and a slightly rambley disconnected air. One that you might expect under such circumstances.

So I overall the layout I think reinforces the topic.

about unzips - well I said already I like it - unzips doesn't mean taking-off though. It is more like leaving the edges apart - exposed maybe.

StalKeR

[Todd]

Hi again, thanks for returning to add to the discussion. I appreciate your thoughts.

[billy]

hi todd, sorry for getting to this so late in the game. i see some like the enjambment of the 2nd couplet. some don't, all i can say is; i have yet to start a sentence with ing, i've always been told by every one to read it out loud, i id and sorry but it doesn't work in any of the ways i tired it out, i'm always left saying "to golden streets. There is no comfort- [ind] [ind] [ind][ind] ing metaphor for this state. for me it's the only serious thing i see wrong. of course you may know something i don't which is very likely

The stories you’ve been told are wrong;
this is no mild passage i like the opening which dismisses the idea that death is easy, and takes us straight into the poem.

to golden streets. There is no comfort- the enjambment doesn't work for me here

ing metaphor for this state.

The breath escapes, is 'the' needed?
the body shudders, exhales.

Life unzips like an old coat, the simile feels a bit awkard,
discarded. does old discarded coat read better?

Memories drown in the river
facts alone remain, well-worn stones love this line, the metaphor works well

without significance. This is lost to us,
a Lethean draught, irremediable


concealing loves, cares that bind, tying is ', tying' needed?
us to this world, that we may not leave


this woman at my bedside, my wife,
presses a damp cloth to my face.

She has become
an actress in an old movie
 a really solid line

that I might have watched once.

These recollections form an endless list

of mocking credits rolling
NamesUponNamesUponNames
 good image

in this oppressive quiet
ForeverForeverForever.

[Todd]

Thanks Billy. I appreciate the comments. I have a lot to think about now.