Disaster on the SS Grandcamp (2nd Revision)

[svanhoeven]

2nd revision: (Originally titled "Texas City Disaster")

First symptoms were a fever underfoot,
a glowing abscess weeping smoke, and steam
erupting from a broiling hull. Men bathed
the orange embers with a meager stream,

But negligence had spawned a horrid loop-
a high school chemistry mistake writ large,
as heat begetting heat begetting heat
makes sparkling fuses shrink towards their charge.

A warping frame and failing mounts inside
the weakened shell caused decks to bulge, then rip.
Once metal ribs were strained and rupturing,
the captain screamed, “All hands abandon--

Then null. Inside the crushing, tearing core,
the blast is noiseless, lightless, sterile, numb;
for all on board that mark the piercing burst
are shattered; rendered earless, eyeless, dumb.

Close by, longshoremen dazzled by the flash
and sudden thunder leap behind their freight
to flee the soaring cloud and fiery hail
of twisted chunks of hull and iron plate.

Above, two circling aircraft’s wings are shorn.
Below, a wall of brine floods church and store.
The anchor, falling many miles away,
plunged into prairie grass, not ocean floor.

A nosy school girl peering out her house
is shotgunned by some unsuspecting panes.
She cringes, shaded by her hands, both cheeks
made bloody brooklets over jagged grains.

Drawn by the roar, a bar-room gawker twists
away from searing heat. Thrown off his feet,
the man is struck behind his head, then turns
around to drunkenly accuse the street.

In time, the fires were doused, and corpses clothed
in oil and silt were piled and tagged. Burnt bits
of flesh and disembodied limbs were blessed,
then placed in caskets dropped in earthen pits.


Background here.

A note on why I picked this topic, for anyone who's wondering: My mother lived in Texas City at the time of the accident. She was only six years old, but remembers her father (now deceased) leaving the house and going to the docks to watch the fire. He later told her he left the docks to go to a bar shortly before the ship exploded, saving his life.

During the blast, all the windows in her house were blown out, and her little sister got hit by shards of glass while playing inside. A palm-sized chunk of the ship's hull landed in her yard, and her family used it as a doorstop for many years afterward. My mother still has the inch-thick piece of steel, which was horribly deformed and twisted by the kinetic forces.

1st revision:

The squat and laden vessel sat in port,
a former sprocket in a war machine,
holds swelled with balm for distant, gore-stained lands
to make their bare and fruitless soil sprout green.

Unconscious errors spawned a horrid loop-
a high school chemistry mistake writ large,
as heat begetting heat begetting heat
makes sparkling fuses shrink towards their charge.

First symptoms were a fever underfoot,
a glowing abscess weeping smoke, and steam
erupting from a broiling hull. Men bathed
the orange embers with a meager stream,

but warping frame and failing mounts amid
the weakened shell caused decks to bulge, then rip.
Once metal ribs were cracked and splintering,
the captain screamed, “All hands abandon--

Then null. Inside the crushing, tearing core,
the blast is noiseless, lightless, sterile, numb;
for all on board that mark the piercing burst
are shattered; rendered earless, eyeless, dumb.

Close by, longshoremen dazzled by the flash
and sudden thunder leap behind their freight
to flee the soaring cloud and fiery hail
of twisted chunks of hull and iron plate.

Above, two circling aircraft’s wings are shorn.
Below, a wall of brine floods church and store.
The anchor, falling many miles away,
plunged into prairie grass, not ocean floor.

A nosy school girl peering out her house
is shotgunned by some unsuspecting panes.
She cringes, shaded by her hands, both cheeks
made bloody brooklets over jagged grains.

Drawn by the roar, a bar-room gawker turns
away from searing heat. Thrown off his feet,
the man is struck behind his head, then turns
around to drunkenly accuse the street.

In time, the fires were doused, and corpses clothed
in oil and silt were piled and tagged. Burnt bits
of flesh and disembodied limbs were blessed,
then placed in caskets dropped in earthen pits.

Now decades out, sole remnants of the day
are found in somber memories, high praise
for men who fought the flames, and doorstops made
from far-flung fragments scattered by the blaze.

Original version:

The squat and laden vessel sat in port,
a former sprocket in a war machine,
holds swelled with balm for distant, gore-stained lands
to make its cratered soils instead ooze green.

Unconscious errors spawned a horrid loop-
a high school chemistry mistake writ large,
as heat begetting heat infallibly
makes sparkling fuses shrink towards their charge.

First symptoms were a fever underfoot,
a glowing abscess weeping smoke, and steam
proceeding from a broiling hull. Men bathed
the orange embers with a meager stream,

but warping frame and failing mounts amid
the weakened shell caused decks to bulge, then rip.
Once metal ribs had cracked and buckled then
the captain screamed, “All hands abandon--

Then null. Inside the crushing, tearing core,
the blast is noiseless, lightless, sterile, numb;
for all on board that mark the piercing burst
are shattered; rendered earless, eyeless, dumb.

Close by, longshoremen dazzled by the flash
and sudden thunder leap behind their freight
to flee the soaring cloud and fiery hail
of twisted chunks of hull and iron plate.

Above, two circling aircraft’s wings are shorn.
Below, a wall of brine floods church and store;
the anchor, hurled an hour's stroll away,
sits moored in prairie grass, not ocean floor.

A nosy school girl peering out her house
is shotgunned by some unsuspecting panes.
She cringes, shaded by her hands, both cheeks
made bloody brooklets over jagged grains.

Drawn by the roar, a bar-room gawker turns
away from searing heat. Thrown off his feet,
the man is struck behind his head, then turns
around to drunkenly accuse the street.

In time, the fires were doused, and corpses clothed
in oil and silt were piled and tagged. Burnt bits
of flesh and disembodied limbs were blessed,
then placed in caskets dropped in earthen pits.

Now decades out, the day consists of plots
of land with bronze historical displays,
grim memories, and rusty doorstops made
from far-flung fragments scattered by the blaze.

[Keith]

This is a great piece, I really enjoyed the story it tells and the images you have created. Thanks for the read I have put some comments for consideration below. TOMH

The squat and laden vessel sat in port, puts me straight in the frame good opening linea former sprocket in a war machine,
holds swelled with balm for distant, gore-stained lands
to make its cratered soils instead ooze green. I didnt undersand this
Unconscious errors spawned a horrid loop-
a high school chemistry mistake writ large, this sound a bit forced to catch the rhyme of the last line
as heat begetting heat infallibly
makes sparkling fuses shrink towards their charge. great line

First symptoms were a fever underfoot,
a glowing abscess weeping smoke, and steam
proceeding from a broiling hull. Men bathed
the orange embers with a meager stream, I like the way you make this bubble like a caldron not sure about proceeding doesn't feel the right word for some reason

but warping frame and failing mounts amid
the weakened shell caused decks to bulge, then rip.
Once metal ribs had cracked and buckled then do you need then again here
the captain screamed, “All hands abandon--

Then null. Inside the crushing, tearing core,
the blast is noiseless, lightless, sterile, numb;
for all on board that mark the piercing burst
are shattered; rendered earless, eyeless, dumb. the calm before the bang well done you really capture this
Close by, longshoremen dazzled by the flash
and sudden thunder leap behind their freight
to flee the soaring cloud and fiery hail
of twisted chunks of hull and iron plate.a powerfull stanza strong images
Above, two circling aircraft’s wings are shorn.
Below, a wall of brine floods church and store; I like the use of above Below two great images
the anchor, hurled an hour's stroll away, feels awkward
sits moored in prairie grass, not ocean floor. are anchors moore or dropped?

A nosy school girl peering out her house
is shotgunned by some unsuspecting panes.
She cringes, shaded by her hands, both cheeks
made bloody brooklets over jagged grains. I like the words but dont really understand is a brooklet a small river?
Drawn by the roar, a bar-room gawker turns
away from searing heat. Thrown off his feet,
the man is struck behind his head, then turns
around to drunkenly accuse the street. great line

In time, the fires were doused, and corpses clothed
in oil and silt were piled and tagged. Burnt bits
of flesh and disembodied limbs were blessed,
then placed in caskets dropped in earthen pits.

Now decades out, the day consists of plots did you mean bay?
of land with bronze historical displays,
grim memories, and rusty doorstops made
from far-flung fragments scattered by the blaze.


Background here.

A note on why I picked this topic, for anyone who's wondering: My mother lived in Texas City at the time of the accident. She was only six years old, but remembers her father (now deceased) leaving the house and going to the docks to watch the fire. He later told her he left the docks to go to a bar shortly before the ship exploded, saving his life.

During the blast, all the windows in her house were blown out, and her little sister got hit by shards of glass while playing inside. A palm-sized chunk of the ship's hull landed in her yard, and her family used it as a doorstop for many years afterward. My mother still has the inch-thick piece of steel, which was horribly deformed and twisted by the kinetic forces.

[earlymorningnoises]

This is a pretty grim topic and i think you've done it justice. I love the family history you've described, also. It adds credence to your take on it. Awesome, awesome stuff.

[svanhoeven]

Thanks TimeOnMyHands for your great suggestions. My replies are below, and I'm posting the full revision above.

The squat and laden vessel sat in port, puts me straight in the frame good opening line
a former sprocket in a war machine,
holds swelled with balm for distant, gore-stained lands
to make its cratered soils instead ooze green. I didnt undersand this

I got too obscure and indirect on this one. The "instead ooze green" phrase tried to do double duty- the fertilizer on the ship was for post-war France. To express the idea flatly, I meant "ooze green (crops/plants) instead of red (i.e. blood)", which referenced the previous "gore-stained" line. To keep the fertilizer in there, which is what caused the blast in the first place, I've revised it to:

holds swelled with balm for distant, gore-stained lands
to make their bare and fruitless soil sprout green.

Unconscious errors spawned a horrid loop-
a high school chemistry mistake writ large, this sound a bit forced to catch the rhyme of the last line
as heat begetting heat infallibly
makes sparkling fuses shrink towards their charge. great line

Ugh. I'm stuck with "writ large". It's a common phrase, but I really like the last line, and diddly-squat rhymes with "charge".

First symptoms were a fever underfoot,
a glowing abscess weeping smoke, and steam
proceeding from a broiling hull. Men bathed
the orange embers with a meager stream, I like the way you make this bubble like a caldron not sure about proceeding doesn't feel the right word for some reason

Good call there. Proceeding is a very slow, non-dramatic word to use for steam jetting from inside the holds and outside the hull. I've replaced it with:

erupting from a broiling hull. Men bathed
the orange embers with a meager stream,

but warping frame and failing mounts amid
the weakened shell caused decks to bulge, then rip.
Once metal ribs had cracked and buckled then do you need then again here
the captain screamed, “All hands abandon--

That's an unnecessary artifact of the iambic pentameter. You caught a good opportunity to turn the repetition of a "connecting" word into content, so I've replaced it with:

Once metal ribs were cracked and splintering,
the captain screamed, “All hands abandon--

Above, two circling aircraft’s wings are shorn.
Below, a wall of brine floods church and store; I like the use of above Below two great images
the anchor, hurled an hour's stroll away, feels awkward
sits moored in prairie grass, not ocean floor. are anchors moore or dropped?

Yep, an "hour's stroll" is a very roundabout way to express the distance the anchor was thrown. I might as well express that more directly. Plus, now that I think about it, why put the word "stroll" in the middle of the drama? It sounds unhurried. Also, instead of an image of the anchor already landed and stuck (moored) in the ground, I like your suggestion of the anchor falling better. Moving images are better than static images. So I've replaced it with:

The anchor, falling many miles away,
plunged into prairie grass, not ocean floor.

A nosy school girl peering out her house
is shotgunned by some unsuspecting panes.
She cringes, shaded by her hands, both cheeks
made bloody brooklets over jagged grains. I like the words but dont really understand is a brooklet a small river?

A brooklet is a small brook or creek. I'm not sure how widely used the word is outside the US.

Now decades out, the day consists of plots did you mean bay?
of land with bronze historical displays,
grim memories, and rusty doorstops made
from far-flung fragments scattered by the blaze.

I meant day, as in "the day it happened", so I've revised it to try to make it clearer:

Now decades out, sole remnants of the day
are found in somber memories, high praise
for men who fought the flames, and doorstops made
from far-flung fragments scattered by the blaze.

Thanks, I think your suggestions really smoothed it out and made it more dramatic.

[Todd]

Hi svanhoeven, I kept meaning to get back to this one. I at least get to address the revision. Here goes:

1st revision:

The squat and laden vessel sat in port,--I'm not a fan of this opening. It feels a little too flat reportage to me. It could be me. I'd want to either combine the necessary elements into more vibrant lines (for me they are squat, vessel and port), or pull some of this into the title.[/g]
a former sprocket in a war machine,[b]--This is a nice line. Its glory days are behind it. It is a routine cog floating in port
holds swelled with balm for distant, gore-stained lands--This points to ammunition and danger. I like gore-stained lands quite a bit
to make their bare and fruitless soil sprout green.--this is an extremely interesting line. War is the answer to famine and poverty. I get potential regeiem changes

Unconscious errors spawned a horrid loop---something more visual than this if you can
a high school chemistry mistake writ large,--This line works
as heat begetting heat infallibly--would begets be better here? Not sure
makes sparkling fuses shrink towards their charge.--sparkling fuses shrink towards their charge is nicely phrased. I'm not sure you need makes

First symptoms were a fever underfoot,--not sure underfoot is needed
a glowing abscess weeping smoke, and steam--This and the entire stophe is really beautiful images. I would be tempted to lead the poem with this strophe.
erupting from a broiling hull. Men bathed
the orange embers with a meager stream,--again some of the best writing in the poem

but warping frame and failing mounts amid--you may not need amid
the weakened shell caused decks to bulge, then rip.
Once metal ribs were cracked and splintering,
the captain screamed, “All hands abandon--

Then null. Inside the crushing, tearing core,
the blast is noiseless, lightless, sterile, numb;--this is also an extremely good line. There's a nice rhythm and sense of pacing to it
for all on board that mark the piercing burst
are shattered; rendered earless, eyeless, dumb.--just a thought, you may want to see what removing the line above and tying lightless, sterile, numb more closely with this line. I don't mind the line above but it may work better without it. Again, nothing I'm passionate about just a thought

Close by, longshoremen dazzled by the flash
and sudden thunder leap behind their freight
to flee the soaring cloud and fiery hail
of twisted chunks of hull and iron plate.

Above, two circling aircraft’s wings are shorn.
Below, a wall of brine floods church and store.--good line. Did you mean churn
The anchor, falling many miles away,
plunged into prairie grass, not ocean floor.--that's a scary image

A nosy school girl peering out her house
is shotgunned by some unsuspecting panes.
She cringes, shaded by her hands, both cheeks
made bloody brooklets over jagged grains.--very nice

Drawn by the roar, a bar-room gawker turns
away from searing heat. Thrown off his feet,
the man is struck behind his head, then turns
around to drunkenly accuse the street.--very clever

In time, the fires were doused, and corpses clothed
in oil and silt were piled and tagged. Burnt bits
of flesh and disembodied limbs were blessed,
then placed in caskets dropped in earthen pits.

Now decades out, sole remnants of the day
are found in somber memories, high praise
for men who fought the flames, and doorstops made
from far-flung fragments scattered by the blaze.

It's a long poem, but its got some great lines and a lot going on. I hope the comments will be helpful.

Best,

Todd

[svanhoeven]

The squat and laden vessel sat in port,--I'm not a fan of this opening. It feels a little too flat reportage to me. It could be me. I'd want to either combine the necessary elements into more vibrant lines (for me they are squat, vessel and port), or pull some of this into the title.
a former sprocket in a war machine,--This is a nice line. Its glory days are behind it. It is a routine cog floating in port
holds swelled with balm for distant, gore-stained lands--This points to ammunition and danger. I like gore-stained lands quite a bit
to make their bare and fruitless soil sprout green.--this is an extremely interesting line. War is the answer to famine and poverty. I get potential regeiem changes

Oops. Is see that you interpreted it as taking place during WWII, instead of after, so what I think I'll do is revise L2 by moving the word "former":

a sprocket in a former war machine,

That way, it's not a former part of a current war, it's a part of a former war. It was a re-purposed liberty ship loaded not with ammunition, but with ammonium nitrate fertilizer, the same stuff used by Timothy McVeigh to blow up the Federal Building in Oklahoma City.

Unconscious errors spawned a horrid loop---something more visual than this if you can
a high school chemistry mistake writ large,--This line works
as heat begetting heat infallibly--would begets be better here? Not sure
makes sparkling fuses shrink towards their charge.--sparkling fuses shrink towards their charge is nicely phrased. I'm not sure you need makes

This is a very tricky stanza, because the whole topic is abstract, and best understood with a graph, not poetry. The problem with the cargo was that they took a substance that undergoes a slow chemical reaction and packed it together tightly in a space with inadequate ventilation. The heat from each bag of fertilizer was inconsequential, but when you pack them together, you get a feedback loop. Each bag heats up, heating up the neighboring bags. As each bag get hotter, the chemical reaction accelerates, which itself increases the rate of heat production. This is the same kind of feedback loop (not chemical, radioactive) you can get, for example, in a badly-designed nuclear reactor. The rods are kept at a precise distance from each other so that this kind of spiraling relationship is prevented. So I guess you could say this event was a chemical Chernobyl. Anyway, my first draft of the "heat begetting heat" line was actually:

as heat begetting heat begetting heat
makes sparkling fuses shrink towards their charge.

That made sense to me, since burning fuses use a chain reaction, but I thought it might have too much repetition. I think I'll put it back.

First symptoms were a fever underfoot,--not sure underfoot is needed

I think I'm going to keep "underfoot" since it makes me think of the sailors feeling the heat of the deck through their boots.

a glowing abscess weeping smoke, and steam--This and the entire stophe is really beautiful images. I would be tempted to lead the poem with this strophe.

That would be cool, but I have no idea how to set up the narrative if that part goes first. (There's a ship blowing up; when, where, and why?) Plus, the enjambment flows into the next stanza with the blast. It would be pretty impressive to see how it could be done, if it's possible. Maybe it could be done with a very well-known event that required no scene setup.

Then null. Inside the crushing, tearing core,
the blast is noiseless, lightless, sterile, numb;--this is also an extremely good line. There's a nice rhythm and sense of pacing to it
for all on board that mark the piercing burst
are shattered; rendered earless, eyeless, dumb.--just a thought, you may want to see what removing the line above and tying lightless, sterile, numb more closely with this line. I don't mind the line above but it may work better without it. Again, nothing I'm passionate about just a thought

I'm not sure how to get rid of the "for all on board" line, since it basically starts the logical reasoning behind the image on the two previous lines. When I was contemplating the first draft, I was wondering how to render an observer's image of the blast at it's core. Then I realized that the observer doesn't get a visual, auditory, or any other image of the core. He's vaporized along with all his sense organs, thus the image of nullity and nothingness.

Below, a wall of brine floods church and store.--good line. Did you mean churn

Nope, meant church. Common buildings close to the waterfront were flooded by a mini-tsunami.

Thanks for excellent suggestions! I'll just make the minor changes above without posting a full revision, since I've noted the original lines here.

[Todd]

I'll read through your response, but no I checked your link I didn't interpret WWII at all. I'm sorry it came across that way.

---

I see where I got off on church now. As far as the stanza below my favorite that could be pulled up too. I think I'm just a fan of starting with the action and getting to the narrative later. It's probably a bias and shortcoming of modern storytelling.

[serge gurkski]

great stuff!
Thick in the best sense of the word.
I agree with Todd starting this poem with stanza 3.

"Then null." Maybe the most effective 2 words I ever read in a poem. (seriously)

cheers and congrats!

Serge

[svanhoeven]

Todd, I guess my misunderstanding came from your mention of ammunition and regime change.

Serge, thanks for the encouragement.

Now that two people have suggested starting with stanza 3, I want to attempt another revision, but as a beginner I seriously have no clue how to do that. I can't just delete S1 and S2, right? That means no context at the beginning, unless this changes from a historical narrative to a hypothetical event.

Do you two mean I should move S1 and S2 down to become a flashback or something?

[serge gurkski]

that would be an option but bears the danger of confusing the reader. Alternatively why not just keep your rev 1 and just post an alternative version next to rev 1? Just a thought.

[Todd]

Todd, I guess my misunderstanding came from your mention of ammunition and regime change.

Serge, thanks for the encouragement.

Now that two people have suggested starting with stanza 3, I want to attempt another revision, but as a beginner I seriously have no clue how to do that. I can't just delete S1 and S2, right? That means no context at the beginning, unless this changes from a historical narrative to a hypothetical event.

Do you two mean I should move S1 and S2 down to become a flashback or something?

Okay not saying this is the best, but I don't want to push to far most of this should rightly be a personal decision by you. If this were mine as much as I like S1 I might cut it. Capture some (very little) of it's exposition in the title and rework the poem in this order. For your consideration (of course this would require smoothing and editing):

The SS Grandcamp Texas City Disaster

First symptoms were a fever underfoot,
a glowing abscess weeping smoke, and steam
erupting from a broiling hull. Men bathed
the orange embers with a meager stream,

but warping frame and failing mounts amid
the weakened shell caused decks to bulge, then rip.
Once metal ribs were cracked and splintering,
the captain screamed, “All hands abandon—

Unconscious errors spawned a horrid loop-
a high school chemistry mistake writ large,
as heat begetting heat begetting heat
makes sparkling fuses shrink towards their charge.
Then null. Inside the crushing, tearing core,
the blast is noiseless, lightless, sterile, numb;
for all on board that mark the piercing burst
are shattered; rendered earless, eyeless, dumb.

Close by, longshoremen dazzled by the flash
and sudden thunder leap behind their freight
to flee the soaring cloud and fiery hail
of twisted chunks of hull and iron plate.

Above, two circling aircraft’s wings are shorn.
Below, a wall of brine floods church and store.
The anchor, falling many miles away,
plunged into prairie grass, not ocean floor.

A nosy school girl peering out her house
is shotgunned by some unsuspecting panes.
She cringes, shaded by her hands, both cheeks
made bloody brooklets over jagged grains.

Drawn by the roar, a bar-room gawker turns
away from searing heat. Thrown off his feet,
the man is struck behind his head, then turns
around to drunkenly accuse the street.

In time, the fires were doused, and corpses clothed
in oil and silt were piled and tagged. Burnt bits
of flesh and disembodied limbs were blessed,
then placed in caskets dropped in earthen pits.

Now decades out, sole remnants of the day
are found in somber memories, high praise
for men who fought the flames, and doorstops made
from far-flung fragments scattered by the blaze.
~~~

That may not be at all what you're looking for, and that's okay. I just hope it brings some clarity.

Best,

Todd

[svanhoeven]

Todd, that's a tough choice. The start is definitely quicker, but I hate to put something between "“All hands abandon—" and "Then null". That instant interruption and black-out is the story's peak. We lead up to, then down and away from that point.

[Todd]

That's why you're the writer. I'm not saying at all that that reconfiguration doesn't have challenges to overcome everything does. You have to weigh effectiveness, payoff, what you're trying to do. It's not necessarily the best choice, but it's worth giving some thought too. No matter what, I think you need to work on the current static opening. This might be a way to address it. It might not. You'll have to ultimately decide.

[svanhoeven]

Todd and Serge, thanks for the suggestion to start with the previous revision's S3. I think I found a good spot for the "chemical reaction" stanza. It acts as a parenthetical reason why fighting the fire was futile.

I also deleted the final stanza since the penultimate stanza started with "In time...", which sounded like a conclusion already.

[billy]

got here pretty late. i'll just comment on this edit, (great to see poets edit their work )

2nd revision: (Originally titled "Texas City Disaster")

First symptoms were a fever underfoot, solid opening
a glowing abscess weeping smoke, and steam
erupting from a broiling hull. Men bathed i like the enjambment here, it sort of brings down the tension before heightening it again with the next line.
the orange embers with a meager stream, is 'the' needed?

But negligence had spawned a horrid loop- is 'but' needed?
a high school chemistry mistake writ large,
as heat begetting heat begetting heat
makes sparkling fuses shrink towards their charge. great image

A warping frame and failing mounts inside
the weakened shell caused decks to bulge, then rip.
Once metal ribs were cracked and splintering, not sure splintering works well for steel. a suggestion would be stressed and fracturing
the captain screamed, “All hands abandon-- rhyme?

Then null. Inside the crushing, tearing core,
the blast is noiseless, lightless, sterile, numb; excellent sense of an instant
for all on board that mark the piercing burst
are shattered; rendered earless, eyeless, dumb. marries too the 2nd line perfectly

Close by, longshoremen dazzled by the flash
and sudden thunder leap behind their freight comma after leap
to flee the soaring cloud and fiery hail
of twisted chunks of hull and iron plate.

Above, two circling aircraft’s wings are shorn.
Below, a wall of brine floods church and store.
The anchor, falling many miles away,
plunged into prairie grass, not ocean floor.

A nosy school girl peering out her house
is shotgunned by some unsuspecting panes.
She cringes, shaded by her hands, both cheeks
made bloody brooklets over jagged grains.

Drawn by the roar, a bar-room gawker turns
away from searing heat. Thrown off his feet,
the man is struck behind his head, then turns
around to drunkenly accuse the street.

In time, the fires were doused, and corpses clothed
in oil and silt were piled and tagged. Burnt bits
of flesh and disembodied limbs were blessed,
then placed in caskets dropped in earthen pits.

the meter feels good, the rhyme scheme also though i think there is one slip. some great image rich lines that capture as well as it can be, the fearsome episode. which i could have been more constructive but in truth there's little that needs working on.

thanks for the read.

[Todd]

I love the edit. I'm going to let it sit for a bit, and comment if anything stands out.

Nice step forward.

Todd

[svanhoeven]

Thanks for the suggestions, which I address below.

got here pretty late. i'll just comment on this edit, (great to see poets edit their work )

2nd revision: (Originally titled "Texas City Disaster")

First symptoms were a fever underfoot, solid opening
a glowing abscess weeping smoke, and steam
erupting from a broiling hull. Men bathed i like the enjambment here, it sort of brings down the tension before heightening it again with the next line.
the orange embers with a meager stream, is 'the' needed?
"The" is grammatically correct here, or maybe it's better to say it's not incorrect, and the unstressed syllable is needed for the iambic pentameter. If I wrote the sentence as prose, I'd still include "the" there, so I don't think it's superfluous.

But negligence had spawned a horrid loop- is 'but' needed?
a high school chemistry mistake writ large,
as heat begetting heat begetting heat
makes sparkling fuses shrink towards their charge. great image
Same thing with "but" as "the" above, it's not incorrect or superfluous. It's needed to explain the futility of fighting the fire, and the inevitable blast. Speaking flatly, "They fought the fire, BUT an inevitable chemical reaction was leading to an explosion." The fuse was shrinking.

A warping frame and failing mounts inside
the weakened shell caused decks to bulge, then rip.
Once metal ribs were cracked and splintering, not sure splintering works well for steel. a suggestion would be stressed and fracturing
I have to admit that "splintering" works better for wood than for steel. "Fracturing" is a little too obvious for ribs. I like "stressed", but I think there's a more dramatic choice. I'll change the phrase to "strained and rupturing".
the captain screamed, “All hands abandon-- rhyme?
I wanted the captain to be interrupted by the explosion, so I didn't finish the phrase. However, I figured 99% of readers know how that phrase ends, so I made an "implied" rhyme with "rip". I wasn't sure if that would work for everyone.

Close by, longshoremen dazzled by the flash
and sudden thunder leap behind their freight comma after leap
I'm confused about this suggestion. "longshoremen...leap, behind their freight..." Why would there be a comma if they "leap behind" something?
to flee the soaring cloud and fiery hail
of twisted chunks of hull and iron plate.

the meter feels good, the rhyme scheme also though i think there is one slip. some great image rich lines that capture as well as it can be, the fearsome episode. which i could have been more constructive but in truth there's little that needs working on.

thanks for the read.

[Leanne]

the captain screamed, “All hands abandon-- rhyme?
I wanted the captain to be interrupted by the explosion, so I didn't finish the phrase. However, I figured 99% of readers know how that phrase ends, so I made an "implied" rhyme with "rip". I wasn't sure if that would work for everyone.

I got it -- I like the effect.

In S7 L1, you might consider "peering from" rather than "peering out" -- it's just less staccato. In S8, you use "turns" twice and I'd like to see one of them replaced -- perhaps the first could be "shies"? In L4 of that stanza, "drunkenly" is ever so slightly off-meter -- perhaps you could try "to shake his drunken finger at the street" or something. Alternatively, you could remove "round" from the start of that line and let it begin with "to drunkenly" daDUM daDUM daSTREET (you get the idea!)

I know it's a conclusion but changing tense in the last stanza isn't really necessary. You could have that in present tense also, for the sake of continuity.

You'll note these are very small suggestions. I very much enjoy watching your processes and reading the results. Aside from that one line, which is only a very small bump, I found the meter flawless, which is such a pleasure.

[billy]

i did realise after i posted my feedback that you were working to a meter and that my is this needed was before i spotted the meter, i left it in anyway. (i should have removed it )

Close by, longshoremen dazzled by the flash
and sudden thunder leap behind their freight comma after leap sorry i meant after thunder, i was rushing and it was wrong of me to do so.

Close by, longshoremen dazzled by the flash
and sudden thunder, leap behind their freight

[svanhoeven]

Leanne, more excellent suggestions. Comments below.

In S7 L1, you might consider "peering from" rather than "peering out" -- it's just less staccato.

I think this is a dialect thing- I grew up about 30 miles from Texas City, and nobody says, "She was looking from her house" if the looking is done from the inside. "She was looking out her house" sounds right to me.

In S8, you use "turns" twice and I'd like to see one of them replaced -- perhaps the first could be "shies"?

Dang, I didn't notice the two "turns". For quickly turning away from searing heat, I think "shies" sounds a little slow and passive to me. I'll replace it with "twists", which makes me imagine the guy quickly turning his torso away at the waist. What do you think about that?

In L4 of that stanza, "drunkenly" is ever so slightly off-meter -- perhaps you could try "to shake his drunken finger at the street" or something. Alternatively, you could remove "round" from the start of that line and let it begin with "to drunkenly" daDUM daDUM daSTREET (you get the idea!)

aROUND to DRUNKenLY aCCUSE the STREET.
daDUM daDUM daDUM daDUM daDUM.

Looks right to me. Can you show me how you're reading it? if DRUNKenLY is the problem, then moving it won't help.

I know it's a conclusion but changing tense in the last stanza isn't really necessary. You could have that in present tense also, for the sake of continuity.

I'll sleep on that one.