A poem

[thedrill]

Greetings all. I look forward to reading and helping fellow poets on the site. Here is one of mine I hope to refine:

sometimes the darkness
has no end.
what has me trapped
is not the night
nor the lack of light
- it’s my mind in a bend -
laying on a bed
in a hot stinking stifling
hospital room
no not the night at all
but some twinge of pain
needles and tubes
in my veins
not the night
nor lack of light.

[rowens]

sometimes the darkness
has no end.
what has me trapped
is not the night
nor the lack of light
- it’s my mind in a bend -
laying on a bed
in a hot stinking stifling
hospital room
no not the night at all
but some twinge of pain
needles and tubes
in my veins
not the night
nor lack of light.

Yeah, this comes off pretty well. It's a very simple thing, but I like it. The way it looks when I copied it on the reply box, the way the lines zigzag: did you make it like that? Can't see it on the posted version.

[brandontoh]

I think you can try adding some punctuation, like commas and periods here and there. They can provide proper pauses here and there to make the poem flow better. Personally I'd make the feeling of pain and being in a suffocating room more pronounced. Show, don't tell. For example, "twinge of pain" and "hot stinking and stifling" both don't immerse me into the poetry. Nice attempt though.

[thedrill]

Rowens,

Thank you for reading. Yes, when you quoted it showed the spacing correctly.

Brandontoh,

I will add some punctuation and consider more imagery.

Thank you both.

[billy]

try and name your poems, they'll love you for it

while it read okay i'd have been more interested if the poem was fleshed out, for such a short poem there was a fair bit of redundancy and repetition of a theme. a small edit would improve it a lot.

Greetings all. I look forward to reading and helping fellow poets on the site. Here is one of mine I hope to refine:

sometimes the darkness
[ind][ind] [ind] [ind] has no end.
what has me trapped
[ind] [ind] [ind] is not the night
nor the lack of light this line feels redundant, clever enough but still redundant.
- it’s my mind in a bend -
laying on a bed
in a hot stinking stifling
hospital room
no not the night at all
but some twinge of pain
needles and tubes
in my veins
not the night
nor lack of light. again, it's redundant

[monablackbird]

Great work and welcome! I might be odd, but I like the redundancy. I like the whole phrase "not the night nor lack of light" immensely. I would add some more imagery as was already mentioned. Like instead of saying needles and tubes maybe just describe them a bit ambiguously. What might someone think they are if they had no idea what needles or tubes were? Or instead of describing the hospital room with "stinking stifling", maybe say what the subject feels in that room. I hope that makes sense? All the best and thank you for sharing your poetry.