The Box

[Fathima]

Hello,

I know this poem kind of deals with religion, but it is a personal poem. I hope that it does not offend anyone, and if it does, then I apologize. I would like to know if this poem makes sense or if it is any good. Thank you.


The box said, 'Look at that woman! She is oppressed! '
But all he saw was a woman pious and blessed.

The box said, 'Look at this woman! She is beautifully dressed! '
But all he saw was a woman objectified and in distress.

The box said, 'Look at that man! He commits crime! '
But all he saw was a man who liked to pray on time.

The box said, 'Look at this man! He is of the wise! '
But all he saw was a man committed to no more than lies.

The box said, 'Look at that child! He lives in poverty! '
But all he saw was a child who was rich because he had a loving family.

The box said, 'Look at this child! She is a superstar! '
But all he saw were her tears fall, because she understood that they have gone way too far.

The box said, 'Look at yourself! You don't belong! '
He closed it and said, 'I obey God and follow His prophets.
And with that, no one can ever go wrong.'

[arbil_poieo]

Hey Fathima,
You don't have to apologize for any poem you write no matter the meaning.

My interpretation is that "the box" represents people who are closed minded or people who don't think for themselves. It goes with that whole saying of not "thinking outside of the box." I'm probably wrong, but that's how I read it.

"But all he saw were her tears fall, because she understood that they have gone way too far."---I actually like where you're going with this, but it can be shortened.
I understand the repetition of "the box" and that it's significant in getting the point across, but the all the "but's" I think you can take them out.

"The box said, 'Look at that man! He commits crime! '
But all he saw was a man who liked to pray on time"
I get where that's going, but I think it can be expressed better...I just don't see the connection between crime and praying

I think you can remove "The box said, 'Look at yourself! You don't belong!", the two lines that are below says enough and this just doesn't add anything, I understand it will effect your rhyme so it's up to you, maybe you change it.

"The box said, 'Look at that woman! She is oppressed! '
But all he saw was a woman pious and blessed."
This really hit the mark in my opinion...I really, really love these 2 lines.

Overall, I like the confidence and the passion in this poem. Good read!

[monablackbird]

I think the meaning of this poem is wonderful. I actually feel that it's more about general values and human dignity than the construct of religion itself. My favorite lines are the first two. That might be because I'm female but I think it's probably more because I legitimately feel human relationships are the backbone of our society and they begin with how we define ourselves. Gender is the first definition of ourselves we're given in life.

Anyway.... my personal beliefs aside, this spoke to me and I like your theme. However, I think the words could be polished up a bit, flow better, and your lines could be delivered with more of the passion you intended. I've done a bit of editing below. I'm still getting used to the forums here so please forgive me if there is a way I'm supposed to format my edits. And these are just suggestions of course. Best of luck and thank you for sharing your work.

The box said, 'Look at that woman! She is oppressed! '
But all he saw was someone pious and blessed.

The box said, 'Look at this woman! She is beautifully dressed! '
He looked and saw a person objectified, in distress.

The box said, 'Look at that man! He commits crime! '
There stood one who liked to pray on time.

The box said, 'Look at this man! He is of the wise! '
Before him was a man committed to lies.

The box said, 'Look at that child! He lives in poverty! '
There played a child rich in love and family.

The box said, 'Look at this child! She's a star! '
But the tears that fell said things had gone too far.

The box said, 'Look at yourself! You don't belong! '
He closed it and said, 'I obey God and follow His prophets.
And with that, no one can ever go wrong.'

* I'm a bit stumped for this last line but I think it could be worked on a bit more. Maybe allow for more ambiguity like in the rest of poem?

[Fathima]

Hello,

Thank you arbil_poieo and monablackbird for your comments and help. I have taken your feedback into consideration and made some changes. I hope this is better. If you think there could be more editing done, please let me know. Thanks again!


The box said, 'Look at that woman! She is oppressed! '
All he saw was a woman pious and blessed.

The box said, 'Look at this woman! She is beautifully dressed! '
All he saw was a woman objectified, in distress.

The box said, 'Look at that man! He commits crime! '
All he knew was a man in desperate need of a dime.

The box said, 'Look at this man! He is of the wise! '
All he knew was a man committed to lies.

The box said, 'Look at that child! He lives in poverty! '
There played a child rich thanks to his loving family.

The box said, 'Look at this child! She's a star! '
But the tears that fell said things had gone too far.

He closed the box and said, 'I obey God and follow His prophets.
And with that, no one can ever go wrong.'

[arbil_poieo]

Hey Fathima,
The last two lines broke your rhyme so maybe it will help to redo these with the same intention as you have already, that goes along with the rhyme you have in the rest of the poem.
I think the edit is good so far and it's a poem worth the the attention.

[jferrell]

I enjoyed your prose and subject matter. Ill come back and elaborate further as I'm fairly busy right now but it was a good read and I wanted to post here to remind myself to write a more detailed response.

[monablackbird]

There's a much better flow now I think. That last line is a tough one still. I'm torn by whether or not it should rhyme like the rest of the poem. Well done overall and I would keep thinking about that last line before you call this one done.