Bleached (edit of Bleach)

[Universalchild]

I've been offline for quite some time, with no muse and not enough time to even try, but am hoping to finally spend more time on my poetry and will be bringing myself to try and criticize others again.

Edit


How to describe how I feel some days,
trapped in this serotonin fucked haze...


The milk that curdles in your tea,
when you try hard to be carefree,
thoughts like poison in your brain,
being trapped outside in rain.
Bird shit dripping down your coat,
when phlegm sticks inside your throat,
every important thing that you forgot,
or every moment you get caught.

Shagging someone with regret,
dying for that cigarette,
running out of things to say,
the stink of your own tooth decay.
That re-infected paper cut,
fat that piles over your gut,
not knowing where you want to go,
or what expression you mean to show.

Weekends fucking with your head,
finding out your cat is dead,
falling out with all your friends,
no means and yet a thousand ends.
Losing even though you tried,
passing thoughts of suicide,
hiding scars and cloaking shame
with only your own self to blame.


Original

How to describe how I feel some days,
trapped in this serotonin fucked haze...

I guess it's true,
these thoughts of you,
leave me so confused,
and knowingly used.

When the milk curdles in your tea,
trying too hard to feel carefree,
smelling piss on the subway train,
being stuck for hours in the rain.
Like the bird shit on your coat,
and when phlegm sticks in your throat,
that important thing that you forgot,
or the moment when you're caught.

I want to cover my eyes,
pretend that I am wise,
nothing really makes sense,
real world is too intense.

Being poor with lots of debt,
shagging someone with regret,
it's running out of things to say,
the stink of your own tooth decay.
It's that infected paper cut,
or that bad feeling in your gut,
it's not knowing how to live,
and wanting more than they will give.

Life can be so good,
I suppose that it should,
most problems self create,
I try to think straight.

Weekends fucking with your head,
finding out your cat is dead,
seeing fat when you are thin,
feeling trapped in your own skin.
Losing even though you tried,
passing thoughts of suicide,
faking smiles when you feel shit,
the day you learn that this it.

[Stalker]

Dear Universal (or should I call you Child?),

I really really like nearly all of this, but particularly dislike the first 2 lines. Firstly they should have a ? at the end, but no matter for that, I would prefer a pre-amble that points at general annoyance and how it is all about grinding us down. this is personal though. You do need something to head up the list - I agree.

How to describe how I feel some days,
trapped in this serotonin fucked haze...


The milk that curdles in your tea,
when you try hard to be carefree,=> these 2 lines are linked with when but the others not, ???
thoughts like poison in your brain,
being trapped outside in rain. caught instead of trapped? how do you get trapped outside?
Bird shit dripping down your coat,
when phlegm sticks inside your throat, => this would scan better for me if it were - phlegm that sticks
every important thing that you forgot, - each crucial thing that you forgot - is the right number of...
or every moment you get caught.

Shagging someone with regret,
dying for that cigarette,
running out of things to say,
the stink of your own tooth decay.
That re-infected paper cut,
fat that piles over your gut,
not knowing where you want to go,
or what expression you mean to show.

Weekends fucking with your head,
finding out your cat is dead,
falling out with all your friends,
no means and yet a thousand ends. => for me this is the best line in the pome- that is just endless bloody demands and the circularity of life when it is difficult.
Losing even though you tried,
passing thoughts of suicide,
hiding scars and cloaking shame
with only your own self to blame.

very true - you never get shat on by a bird on an otherwise brilliant day that has no challenges just lots and lots of success and fun and sunshine.

also big improvement on the first version


I like the title too. all in all very clever universalchild.


thanks for sharing.

StalkeR

[Universalchild]

Thanks! I really appreciate your comments. I'll just go through them.

I'll rephrase the first line, it's not really meant to be a question, more "this is how I'm going to describe how I feel some days" then how can I. Why don't you like them, out of curiosity?

The first two lines aren't linked, the first is using curdled milk to describe the feeling, the second is using a scenario which gives that feeling. I didn't think they looked linked due to the comma but I'll think of revising it. I already used caught but I'll think about what you said. What I mean by trapped is when you are outside in the rain and you can't get out of it? Like when you're half way through a walk over the moors or in a quiet town at night.

I like the phlegm suggestion, will definitely consider it when I do my next revision of it. Sometimes I like repetition but maybe it is too annoying in this instance. Thanks.

Great crit <3

[svanhoeven]

How to describe how I feel some days,

Basically you're introducing a list. To add to Stalker's comments, in order for the reader to understand "a list follows...", you could make it a question, i.e. "How do I describe X?". As an alternative, you could make it more declarative, i.e. "This is how I feel some days...". Then the list follows.

Also, to begin the list, you may want to separate the first and second lines (or items) better. For example,

The milk that curdles in your tea,
or when you try hard to be carefree, <=adjust for meter as necessary

You wouldn't need an "or" on any subsequent line; the reader will imply that if you set it up right.

Also, on line 2, I'm not sure if you're referring to being medicated, or depressed. If medicated, you could make it clearer maybe by referring to the medicine's name instead of serotonin. There are plenty- pick one that works with the meter.

I did like the "the stink of your own tooth decay." line. Olfactory imagery has a lot of emotional potential since smells seem to bypass the intellect.

[Universalchild]

I see what you mean, I will definitely take that into consideration when rephrasing the first line.

I'll try and think of a way of seperating them without messing too much with the half-arsed meter.

It is the combination of drugs, depression and real life problems.

Hmm, just realized I used trapped in the second line. Will edit it.