Feedback, please!

[jackhamrick]

Sleepless.



An empty pillow sits alone
Its surface placid, not a wrinkle.
Impostors fill the void on occasion.
Impostors they are. I wait for my one true, alone.

A bed of vast space, far too roomy for one.
A falsehood in reality, but as I lay awake,
Emotions run rampant, reality escapes.

A frigid wasteland barren of life,
The far side of bed a painful reminder.
A nightly routine causing such strife.
Oh how I wish to lay down beside her.

I stare at the ceiling- a blank slate.
Its vacancy quickly filled-either by heart or mind-
With murals of her, and I.
I wait for her. As she floats to me, on the tides of fate.

The misery returns as my eyes flutter to consciousness
No one there to embrace. She continues to elude.
I greet the sun in solitude.

[arbil_poieo]

Welcome Jack!
This really captures the feeling of loneliness with loss and I think using the bed is a perfect reference for these emotions.

"An empty pillow sits alone
Its surface placid, not a wrinkle.
Impostors fill the void on occasion."
I like the idea of using the pillow to start off as an image of it not being touched then shifting to visitors that don't mean anything. "Impostors they are. I wait for my one true, alone" I would get rid of "Impostors they are" because it's stated in the line before, emphasizing isn't necessary.

"The far side of bed a painful reminder."---needs a comma between "bed" and "a"

"...a blank slate.
"Its vacancy quickly filled-either by heart or mind-
With murals of her, and I."
I like the image of this, of different images coming and going, "either by heart or mind" doesn't seem necessary, the feelings is already captured quite nicely and so is the narrator constantly thinking of her.

A very good first post, in my opinion. The message is clear and it comes out in a way that catches the reader's attention and holds it.

[Rye~murs]

I stare at the ceiling- a blank slate. Its vacancy quickly filled-either by heart or mind

That line, was so beautiful. I agree with the previous comment that, this poem really captured loneliness. Longing. Some mistakes with grammar, but, all in all, I enjoyed the feeling in this poem. (I'm new, my feedback will get better, lol)

[jackhamrick]

Thank you very much for your thoughtful comments! Much appreciated.

[Card]

I don't think you need a comma between "bed" and "a." That is one whole phrase, it needs no pause. You also don't need it in "her and I" for the same reason.

But I really like this poem. I've felt this most nights, and it's what keeps me awake.