Tiny

[Fathima]

This is the first poem I have ever written. I don't read much poetry. Nor do I know much about it. But I wrote this poem a couple of days ago, and then wrote a couple more. I would like to know if it is any good, if it even makes sense, if it conveyed the message I tried to portray, how I can improve it, etc. Thank you.

Tiny

Still a little angel,
She gazed at the night filled with sparkles.
'How tiny! ' she expressed.
They told her they were 'stars'
But she only understood their tininess.
A massive balloon of gas, they explained it!
She laughed and thought, 'What tiny people.'

[tectak]

This is the first poem I have ever written. I don't read much poetry. Nor do I know much about it. But I wrote this poem a couple of days ago, and then wrote a couple more. I would like to know if it is any good, if it even makes sense, if it conveyed the message I tried to portray, how I can improve it, etc. Thank you.

Tiny

Still a little angel,
She gazed at the night filled with sparkles.
'How tiny! ' she expressed.
They told her they were 'stars'
But she only understood their tininess.
A massive balloon of gas, they explained it!
She laughed and thought, 'What tiny people.'

In view of your own intro I suggest you repost in Novice.

Best,
tectak

[arbil_poieo]

Welcome Fathima!
I agree with tectak. The best way to learn is too keep at it and do a lot of reading from various poets and Novice is the best place to start until you get more comfortable with poetry.

My favorite is the last line: "She laughed and thought, 'What tiny people' "---I would imagine a child saying the exact same thing.

"A massive balloon of gas, they explained it"---I would cut out "it" it's not needed.

I think I understand the message of this and it is portrayed well. It's difficult for me to critique this because it serves it's purpose. This is like a snippet of a memory or a quote from a book being shared to the reader. I would like to read some of your other poems.

Hopefully someone else can pop in and be more helpful.

[billy]

hi Fathima

no need to leave a link to other places the poem is posted at. seeing the poem here is enough. i agree about posting in the novice forum also and suggest you leave this one here and post any others there to start off with.

This is the first poem I have ever written. I don't read much poetry. Nor do I know much about it. But I wrote this poem a couple of days ago, and then wrote a couple more. I would like to know if it is any good, if it even makes sense, if it conveyed the message I tried to portray, how I can improve it, etc. Thank you.

Tiny

Still a little angel,
She gazed at the night filled with sparkles.
'How tiny! ' she expressed.
They told her they were 'stars'
But she only understood their tininess.
A massive balloon of gas, they explained it!
She laughed and thought, 'What tiny people.'

it has a primitive quality about it that i like. i think you could expand on who the 'she' is and who the "they are.

[Todd]

Hi Fathima, welcome to the site! Comments below:

This is the first poem I have ever written. I don't read much poetry. Nor do I know much about it. But I wrote this poem a couple of days ago, and then wrote a couple more. I would like to know if it is any good, if it even makes sense, if it conveyed the message I tried to portray, how I can improve it, etc. Thank you.

--The best way to begin writing better poetry without exception is to begin reading poetry. If you want to write reading will stretch your work and give you examples of technique that will only help you. The poem you've written has some nice moments, it makes sense, the content comes across.

Tiny

Still a little angel,--I like short poems. In that vein, you can cut this line. The language and interplay tells us we're dealing with a child or someone childlike. It borders on cliche, and isn't a strong opening line.
She gazed at the night filled with sparkles.--watch these narrative pronouns...too much story and not enough. Poem. Sparkles is excellent. It gives us a child's wonder. She gazed at feels like unnecessary reportage just focus on what she's seeing don't feel the need to have the lead in. "The night filled with sparkles would be better." Finding a more figurative or simply childlike way to say night might be better still. Perhaps "The dark filled with sparkles"
'How tiny! ' she expressed.--again keep away from these prosey dialogue tags like she expressed
They told her they were 'stars'--This line establishes the her, the analytical adults who have no wonder left in them. This eliminates the need for the dialogue tags entirely in my opinion. Only issue the line is too flat. They told her just reports. What can you add to make the line pop? What did their voices sound like maybe (i.e., in voices of mothballs and dry toast, they told her...) how can you make it come more alive? It needs something here.
But she only understood their tininess.--this repetition is unnecessary and steals force from your last line. I'd cut it.
A massive balloon of gas, they explained it!--again kill the tags, simply "massive balloons of gas". Balloons because they are explaining plural stars.
She laughed and thought, 'What tiny people.'--in this case she laughed is fine. The "and thought" is too static. I also think you want to cut people and have a little ambiguity. The adults will think she means the stars. She'll actually mean them. The ambiguity will make the ending stronger in my opinion.

Those were just my initial thoughts. I hope some of it is helpful.

Best,

Todd

[Fathima]

Hi,

Thank you all very much for your comments and feedback. I took them into consideration and made some changes. Is this better?


The dark filled her eyes with sparkles.
Rich grown voices told her they were stars.
Massive balloons of gas to explain it.
She laughed, "How tiny!"

[Todd]

Hi Fathima,

Here are my opinions on the rewrite:

Hi,

Thank you all very much for your comments and feedback. I took them into consideration and made some changes. Is this better?


The dark filled her eyes with sparkles.--good edit. I think you still need a how tiny on the next line maybe in italics to set up your final line's payoff
Rich grown voices told her they were stars.--when you can, try to use one modifier instead of two. Rich grown could maybe be replaced with deep
Massive balloons of gas to explain it.--again I don't think you need to explain it
She laughed, "How tiny!"--solid

I think it's definitely a step forward.

[Fathima]

Hi Fathima,

Here are my opinions on the rewrite:

Hi,

Thank you all very much for your comments and feedback. I took them into consideration and made some changes. Is this better?


The dark filled her eyes with sparkles.--good edit. I think you still need a how tiny on the next line maybe in italics to set up your final line's payoff
Rich grown voices told her they were stars.--when you can, try to use one modifier instead of two. Rich grown could maybe be replaced with deep
Massive balloons of gas to explain it.--again I don't think you need to explain it
She laughed, "How tiny!"--solid

I think it's definitely a step forward.

Hi Todd, thanks again for your feedback. I've made some more changes.

Tiny sparkles filled the eyes of a little angel.
Deep voices told her they were stars.
Massive balloons of gas.
She laughed, "How tiny!"

[Sonata]

I disagree with others above, I think this is the right place for this poem. You wanted a serious response due to seriousness of this work. I think it's amazing. It seems like you wanted to show us something natural, beautiful, gentle, and you succeeded. Something naive, childish.
These last changes like "Tiny sparkles filled the eyes of a little angel." "The dark filled her eyes with sparkles". I don't think you need those, i'd say the first version was the best. These two are great I'm not saying anything about them specifically but they are turning a wonderful, but yet small, short - though dynamic poem into prose.
You need to understand that everything I just said is my style, and I completely understand if somebody says my advices are bad or something, everyone has it's own style and nobody can tell you what EXACTLY to do, that's the point - freedom, you create something new, something yours.
Considering this is you first poem I'm completely amazed.
One thing, a small advice - if you're writing a poem that is, let's say "cute", small, naive, everything I said earlier, make your words do that for you, don't hide yourself behind strong words like "expressed", you don't need that. Hope I helped!

[Fathima]

I disagree with others above, I think this is the right place for this poem. You wanted a serious response due to seriousness of this work. I think it's amazing. It seems like you wanted to show us something natural, beautiful, gentle, and you succeeded. Something naive, childish.
These last changes like "Tiny sparkles filled the eyes of a little angel." "The dark filled her eyes with sparkles". I don't think you need those, i'd say the first version was the best. These two are great I'm not saying anything about them specifically but they are turning a wonderful, but yet small, short - though dynamic poem into prose.
You need to understand that everything I just said is my style, and I completely understand if somebody says my advices are bad or something, everyone has it's own style and nobody can tell you what EXACTLY to do, that's the point - freedom, you create something new, something yours.
Considering this is you first poem I'm completely amazed.
One thing, a small advice - if you're writing a poem that is, let's say "cute", small, naive, everything I said earlier, make your words do that for you, don't hide yourself behind strong words like "expressed", you don't need that. Hope I helped!

Hello Sonata,

Thank you very much for your comments and advice! I'm unsure about this piece of work, but I am open to any criticism. I have two versions of the poem now - I'm not very sure which one to go with. But I did take your advice about the "expressed" part, and I agree with it. I don't know about the quotation marks, and the exclamation mark on the sixth line. Someone who is a Creative Writing major also told me not to ever use "tiny" as a description. Maybe I should change it to "small"? Any advice for this? Thank you!

Here are my two versions -

Tiny People

Still a little angel,
She gazed at the night filled with sparkles.
'How tiny! ' she said.
They told her they were 'stars'
But she only understood their tininess.
A massive balloon of gas, they explained it!
She laughed and thought, 'What tiny people.'


Tiny sparkles filled the eyes of a little angel.
Deep voices told her they were stars.
Massive balloons of gas.
She laughed, "How tiny!"

[shemthepenman]

I agree with sonata with regard to it's placement. If you wanted serious feedback then why not here? Unfortunately, I do not share sonata's enthusiasm for this poem. The tweeness is just too much. i mean, tinies and twinkles and sparkles and stars... only the adult conception of 'being a child' is so sickly sweet. Children are smarter than that.