Dependence

[nothing_good16]

Dear Conscience,

She lies there lifeless in a pool of blood as I debate whether I should save her or not.
I could tell them to take it out and let her rot.
–Or I can make the choice everyone forgot—And let her live.
This is a decision only I can give.
Only I can save her. Only I can grave her.
But in my arms, will she be any safer?
Why would God put her destiny faithfully in my sinful hands knowing that she has no control as my future blands?.
Do I be selfish? Or give her life?
Do I tell them to prepare the knife?
If I say the order to finish her off, I can return to my carefree joy.
But, I was the one who bought her with a physical transaction like she was a toy
She has no say. No voice. No feelings.
Even though she’s not alive right now, I have the power to give her breath!
I Am Not God
But, I surely have a better appreciation because I never understood what it took to decide life or death. If only I could comprehend the truth of your wealth.
It’s crazy how everything about you depends on me.
Then, I begin to think about what if I was she.
About how lifeless I could be.

I only have three weeks to make the call.

(That is all.) ====I may or may not add this line

[billy]

i'd say no to the last line and the line that precedes it. they feel forced.

Dear Conscience,

She lies there lifeless in a pool of blood as I debate whether I should save her or not.
I could tell them to take it out and let her rot.
–Or I can make the choice everyone forgot—And let her live.
This is a decision only I can give.
Only I can save her. Only I can grave her. i like this line, that some has this kind of power is intriguing,
But in my arms, will she be any safer?
Why would God put her destiny faithfully in my sinful hands knowing that she has no control as my future blands?. blands doesn't work
Do I be selfish? Or give her life? 'do i be' is pirate speak
Do I tell them to prepare the knife?
If I say the order to finish her off, I can return to my carefree joy. give the order
But, I was the one who bought her with a physical transaction like she was a toy
She has no say. No voice. No feelings.
Even though she’s not alive right now, I have the power to give her breath!
I Am Not God
But, I surely have a better appreciation because I never understood what it took to decide life or death. If only I could comprehend the truth of your wealth.
It’s crazy how everything about you depends on me.
Then, I begin to think about what if I was she.
About how lifeless I could be.

I only have three weeks to make the call.

(That is all.) ====I may or may not add this line

i think if it's a personal poem or trying to be a personal poem, it needs to be made to feel personal. who is she, why is she lifeless. is it a coma? the reader needs more than;


She lies there lifeless in a pool of blood

it could be pet, give us a picture instead of telling us in a cliche.
she's deader than road-kill in bowl of rotting cherries.
of course that not the image you're looking for but it shows how you make something much more touchable

[nothing_good16]

i'd say no to the last line and the line that precedes it. they feel forced.

Dear Conscience,

She lies there lifeless in a pool of blood as I debate whether I should save her or not.
I could tell them to take it out and let her rot.
–Or I can make the choice everyone forgot—And let her live.
This is a decision only I can give.
Only I can save her. Only I can grave her. i like this line, that some has this kind of power is intriguing,
But in my arms, will she be any safer?
Why would God put her destiny faithfully in my sinful hands knowing that she has no control as my future blands?. blands doesn't work
Do I be selfish? Or give her life? 'do i be' is pirate speak
Do I tell them to prepare the knife?
If I say the order to finish her off, I can return to my carefree joy. give the order
But, I was the one who bought her with a physical transaction like she was a toy
She has no say. No voice. No feelings.
Even though she’s not alive right now, I have the power to give her breath!
I Am Not God
But, I surely have a better appreciation because I never understood what it took to decide life or death. If only I could comprehend the truth of your wealth.
It’s crazy how everything about you depends on me.
Then, I begin to think about what if I was she.
About how lifeless I could be.

I only have three weeks to make the call.

(That is all.) ====I may or may not add this line

i think if it's a personal poem or trying to be a personal poem, it needs to be made to feel personal. who is she, why is she lifeless. is it a coma? the reader needs more than;


She lies there lifeless in a pool of blood

it could be pet, give us a picture instead of telling us in a cliche.
she's deader than road-kill in bowl of rotting cherries.
of course that not the image you're looking for but it shows how you make something much more touchable

Thanks for your feedback!
Actually, the poem isn't personal but, I was trying to portray the idea of the women's power in the choice to have an abortion and the fact that the child's future depends COMPLETELY on the decision of the mother.
I was hoping that these lines would definitely give it away:

"But, I was the one who bought her with a physical transaction like she was a toy. She has no say. No voice. No feelings. Even though she’s not alive right now, I have the power to give her breath! I Am Not God. But, I surely have a better appreciation because I never understood what it took to decide life or death. "

Guess not. lol. How can I better define this throughout the poem? And do you have any tips on how I can rap up the ending a little better?
Thanks

[shemthepenman]

I agree with the above comments. And will reiterate that it should possibly be made more tangible.
I would add, the look of the poem is quite ugly, but as it is supposed to be a letter, what can you do? If it was me I would drop the idea of it being a letter and tidy it up with some line breaks.
And again, as Billy said, the "Do I be…" is a bit silly. You suddenly turn into Ali G for a moment. And it is a shame because these lines are actually very good. I would maybe, "Should I be selfish? Or give her Life? Should I tell them to prepare the knife?"
I would also suggest maybe changing the word 'crazy' it feels too light. Maybe 'odd' would be better, it still conveys the sense but doesn’t sound as ditsy.
But, also there is something honestly touching about it. I nearly cried at the line, "I could tell them to take it out and let her rot. Or I can make the choice everyone forgot. And let her live." In fact, just reading it again made my eyes water.
I too like the lines, "Only I can save her. Only I can grave her. But in my arms, will she be any safer?" I was a bit skeptical about using 'grave' as a verb at first, but now I see it really works. And personally I wouldn’t be able to resist omitting the 'any', it seems unnecessary.

[Pete Ak]

I admire the bravery of this poem - it puts itself out there naked and raw; unapologetic. One or two content type issues such as L1 - "lifeless in a pool of blood" for what you are trying to say (?unborn child) I don't think the word 'lifeless' is a good choice, I'd prefer a word which implies potential which I think would enhance the poem (my personal views may be intruding here.)Secondly the pool of blood is factually incorrect, ok 'amniotic fluid' ain't half as poetic but maybe 'amniotic pool' or some-such would be more revealing.
L3. 'Everyone forgot' feels forced by the rhyme. It's unlikely everyone forgot there is another option so the line distances me slightly from N.
L5. 'grave her' is original but afraid I don't like it. By all means use the grave/save rhyme but this is too forced to be poetically credible. 'Safer' (no need for "any") is also questionable as it's a half-rhyme, I wonder why bother in this piece to hunt the rhyme, if they fall into place use them if not say what you want to say first, worry about the rhyme afterwards.
L7. Same issue - blands???? a little later joy/toy, again I feel the phrase 'like a toy' is only there for the purpose of rhyme, it doesn't add enough to the idea of the baby being bought by a physical transaction, which incidentally struck me as a good idea which is un-poetically communicated! There are lots of other ways to say physical transaction with a lot more impact.
If 'wealth' is used to provide a rhyme for 'death', it doesn't work, not sure it works in the narrative either.
Despite the negative feel to my critique - the problems I see are mostly to do with chasing rhymes. I'd try to re-do it without that stricture and see what you come up with.

[svanhoeven]

You could keep the image of the dead unborn child in L1 if you made it clearer you were imagining her future, rather than describing the present. Considering how gruesome the abortion process is, right or wrong, there's lots of potential imagery there. You may want to save that "bang" for the end, though.

On L2, you refer to the fetus as "it", but the rest of the poem you use "she" or "her". You could make this consistent by removing the "it", or maybe you could use that inconsistency as a tool in other parts of the poem. In the parts that call for aborting the fetus, you could use "it", then in the parts that call for saving the child, you could use "she" and "her". That would show the back and forth of de-personalization/humanization inherent in this kind of decision.

The other thing you may want to consider exploring is that sometimes the abortion happens in spite of the mother's desire to keep it. The father may be absent, unsupportive, abusive, etc. That would add more layers of complexity to the decision. However, if you're trying to highlight the mother's complete control of the situation, then maybe you could add something about another party's wishes, which I assume are being ignored or shown a lack of respect.

Definitely a lot of potential here.

[nothing_good16]

You could keep the image of the dead unborn child in L1 if you made it clearer you were imagining her future, rather than describing the present. Considering how gruesome the abortion process is, right or wrong, there's lots of potential imagery there. You may want to save that "bang" for the end, though.

On L2, you refer to the fetus as "it", but the rest of the poem you use "she" or "her". You could make this consistent by removing the "it", or maybe you could use that inconsistency as a tool in other parts of the poem. In the parts that call for aborting the fetus, you could use "it", then in the parts that call for saving the child, you could use "she" and "her". That would show the back and forth of de-personalization/humanization inherent in this kind of decision.

The other thing you may want to consider exploring is that sometimes the abortion happens in spite of the mother's desire to keep it. The father may be absent, unsupportive, abusive, etc. That would add more layers of complexity to the decision. However, if you're trying to highlight the mother's complete control of the situation, then maybe you could add something about another party's wishes, which I assume are being ignored or shown a lack of respect.

Definitely a lot of potential here.

Thanks for your advice...Here is a revised version of it...If you don't mind, can you tell me if you think this is improvement or if I changed it too much? ..Thanks

There she is:
Lifeless in a pool of blood.

Oh, how my heart attacks,
banging my chest to get out
and be with her.

Air suffocates my lungs.
Internally drowning in eternal emptiness.

Love hates my heart.
My heart to sacrifice my only begotten child-
for my own stability.

So, I'm nothing God-like.

He entrusted me with her.
Only I could've saved her.
Only I could've graved her.
But in my arms, would she be any safer?

I couldn't help it.

It would've taken my all.
It would've needed me.
But, even I couldn't have self-dependency.

No peace.
No daddy.
No home.

We were both alone.

[svanhoeven]

I think it's good that you pared it down, because the previous version was wordy and sounded like prose in spots.

Now, I understand this is about an abortion, but if I try to read it "fresh", and pretend I've never seen the poem and never read the above comments, I find myself confused about the initial scene. The reader has to read all the way to line 10 before we know it's about a "child", and even then it's not specifically a fetus or a baby.

Since the poem is a narrative of sorts, before you can go into how the narrator feels about what's going on, you need to do some extra scene setup so a better context is formed in the reader's mind. Otherwise, the reader uses up mental horsepower trying to conjure a coherent scene rather than emoting along with the narrator.

So without saying abortion, you need to provide some associated images. Just shutting my eyes and imagining, I can see: a masked doctor with a stainless steel claw, bare legs in metal stirrups, harsh lights pointed at private places, etc. Very clinical. Then after the "procedure", the fetus/baby is whisked away, leaving no time for she/it and the mother to be alone together. So the final image probably needs to be revised too, if you mean they are alone together.

Long story short- in my opinion, strengthen the narrative beginning and ending with concrete imagery that sets the context, then work on the middle.

[nothing_good16]

I think it's good that you pared it down, because the previous version was wordy and sounded like prose in spots.

Now, I understand this is about an abortion, but if I try to read it "fresh", and pretend I've never seen the poem and never read the above comments, I find myself confused about the initial scene. The reader has to read all the way to line 10 before we know it's about a "child", and even then it's not specifically a fetus or a baby.

Since the poem is a narrative of sorts, before you can go into how the narrator feels about what's going on, you need to do some extra scene setup so a better context is formed in the reader's mind. Otherwise, the reader uses up mental horsepower trying to conjure a coherent scene rather than emoting along with the narrator.

So without saying abortion, you need to provide some associated images. Just shutting my eyes and imagining, I can see: a masked doctor with a stainless steel claw, bare legs in metal stirrups, harsh lights pointed at private places, etc. Very clinical. Then after the "procedure", the fetus/baby is whisked away, leaving no time for she/it and the mother to be alone together. So the final image probably needs to be revised too, if you mean they are alone together.

Long story short- in my opinion, strengthen the narrative beginning and ending with concrete imagery that sets the context, then work on the middle.

I understand. that makes sense. but what I meant by "we were both alone" was how the woman was alone because she had no support and the fetus was alone because the mother wasn't there....I didn't mean it in the sense of being alone "together"...i guess I should find a way to clarify that? and what do you suggest I should strengthen in the middle rather than imagery?

[svanhoeven]

There she is:
Lifeless in a pool of blood.

Oh, how my heart attacks,
banging my chest to get out
and be with her.

Air suffocates my lungs.
Internally drowning in eternal emptiness.
^--I think you can drop "internally", since "lungs" and "drowning" already imply it.

Love hates my heart.
My heart to sacrifice my only begotten child- <-- a little confusing - do you mean "Love hates my heart for sacrificing..."?
for my own stability.

So, I'm nothing God-like. <-- I kind of get what you're saying, but I think the reader can draw the conclusion without the line. Plus, the phrasing is a little clunky and indirect.


He entrusted me with her.
Only I could've saved her.
Only I could've graved her.
But in my arms, would she be any safer?
^-- my favorite stanza, it has a nice rhythm plus the saved vs. graved opposition which other have already discussed.

I couldn't help it.
<-- I think you can drop this blank line since the ideas here are grouped together.
It would've taken my all.
It would've needed me.
But, even I couldn't have self-dependency. <--Do you mean dependency on yourself, or do you mean the baby's dependence on you? To me, "Self-dependence" is the former, not the latter idea.

No peace.
No daddy.
No home.

We were both alone.
^-- I see from your comment that I misread the "being alone apart" idea you were trying to convey. Maybe you could flesh out the context of the aftermath a little more?

If I were to outline the narrative, it would look like this:

There she is:
Lifeless in a pool of blood.
[interior dialogue/emotions]
We were both alone.

Is it all the same scene? The beginning sounds like they're together, since the first-person narrator says "There she is:", then you're offering the image of the blood. Without a transition of some kind, the reader assumes that it's the same scene at the end. That's how I read it, anyway.

[Mr. Shankly]

The first poem was better than the edit because it captured more raw emotion, but it is far too wordy.

[tectak]

You could keep the image of the dead unborn child in L1 if you made it clearer you were imagining her future, rather than describing the present. Considering how gruesome the abortion process is, right or wrong, there's lots of potential imagery there. You may want to save that "bang" for the end, though.

On L2, you refer to the fetus as "it", but the rest of the poem you use "she" or "her". You could make this consistent by removing the "it", or maybe you could use that inconsistency as a tool in other parts of the poem. In the parts that call for aborting the fetus, you could use "it", then in the parts that call for saving the child, you could use "she" and "her". That would show the back and forth of de-personalization/humanization inherent in this kind of decision.

The other thing you may want to consider exploring is that sometimes the abortion happens in spite of the mother's desire to keep it. The father may be absent, unsupportive, abusive, etc. That would add more layers of complexity to the decision. However, if you're trying to highlight the mother's complete control of the situation, then maybe you could add something about another party's wishes, which I assume are being ignored or shown a lack of respect.

Definitely a lot of potential here.

Thanks for your advice...Here is a revised version of it...If you don't mind, can you tell me if you think this is improvement or if I changed it too much? ..Thanks

There she is:
Lifeless in a pool of blood.

Oh, how my heart attacks,
banging my chest to get out
and be with her.

Air suffocates my lungs.
Internally drowning in eternal emptiness.

Love hates my heart.
My heart to sacrifice my only begotten child-
for my own stability.

So, I'm nothing God-like.

He entrusted me with her.
Only I could've saved her.
Only I could've graved her.
But in my arms, would she be any safer?

I couldn't help it.

It would've taken my all.
It would've needed me.
But, even I couldn't have self-dependency.

No peace.
No daddy.
No home.

We were both alone.

Hi,
I have come late to this and that is good. You have had much to absorb and act upon from some very good crit....sent and received.
I cannot say that I can add much to the advice you have aready had and so I will look on the revised version as if it was new-born.
Just to get a few chestnuts out of the way first. In terms of over-emotive subjects abortion comes somewhere in the rankings between rape and murder.....there are peripheral subjects constantly in orbit but if you begin with lost love as a base-line and end up with child abuse you will pretty well cover all bases. So, where does that bit of opinionated dogma take us? Well, I guess you need to "find an angle" for the piece, which has not been found before. It is difficult. To write this as though you were feeling what the mother feels is made more difficult because you are speaking in the moment....but you have chickened out. The only line which significantly puts you in to the character is " My heart to sacrifice my only begotten child-
for my own stability."....and poetically that is not a sentence, a statement or even an aside. Though you are aiming for excruciating clarity you let the demons of distraction get in to your thinking. What are you trying to say at this crucial junction?
Maybe." My heart is not mine, I give it to this child as a sacrifice;
that is all I can do to save my sanity. "
This may not be what you meant but it is clear. What you have written is not clear. Whilst on this track, I am not sure that it is a good idea to introduce semantic peculiarities. Sometimes poetry should strive for veracity rather than show that the writer is present in the piece. It may help the poetry to "grave" someone but who uses that expression? The answer is no one. It is not even clever. I cannot find the verb "to grave" anywhere. Some may say you used it on purpose. That may be true, but you knew it was not an acceptable use of language and you were surprised to get away with it Not a good line.
And "oh how my heart attacks" is another line which is just not worthy. Yes, yes, heart attack, yes, I know.....but it is gratuitously misplaced. Just because two words commonly are linked does not mean that the paring is ubiquitous. Heart attack, heart ache, heart fallen, heart beat, heart stopping etc all have their uses because the pairing describes a known condition. The condition you hoped to describe is not a myocardial infarct. If this is a cliche it is masquerading as a metaphor. The "Oh how..." is a little over dramatic in a contrived way. What is wrong with " My heart struggles to escape.
Banging my chest...."
No more. It is your poem. Yes. I really think it is much improved by the pairing down. All is opinion. You have chosen a tough subject but worse for you, it is written in real time. I congratulate you on some of the insights towards the end. I think you should have another go at this one after a suitable gestation (ooops) period.
Closing, this is one of the very few pieces I have read which can get away with "bitty-ness". I did not get the mental (and possibly physical) distress of this cerebral almost-mother, but the disorganised thoughts are, I imagine, a close approach to the reality of the scenario. I hope that was your intention
Best,
tectak