Sick

[Arriedo]

blood and gore are all that’s left of this common whore
who had the unfortunate thought to knock upon this killers door
intestines paint my walls, brain matter stains the floors
the epidermis fills my thermos, it’s truly beauty galore
brittle bones, i crack the chrome, whip it into her fragile dome
put her into boxes so i can send her to her family’s home
jewelry boxes, all the fam is getting is a couple teeth
and they’ll only receive that after she’s been missing for a couple weeks
see I'm sick as fuck never one that is quick to bust
i go for hours this disease seems to temper my lust
addicted to the sounds of bones breaking
femur snapped and the funny bone relocated
the brains shaking it's clear to me that mothers hate me
fathers want to kill me, it just enables my sickness
don't knock on my door, I’m on too many peoples hit list.

[shemthepenman]

There are parts of this that I really like, at least in terms of concept; it's like a Patrick Bateman poetry reading. However, I assume it is supposed to be comical (a black humour poem), and as such I feel that the comedic elements are hindered by the rhythmical idiosyncrasies and forced rhymes [note, instead of 'relocated' I can't help reading it 'relocating', it just sounds funnier]. And, whereas this is a strength in terms of conveying the disturbing pathology of the author (who I assume, and hope, is a persona); it really doesn’t work for comedy. Comedy, like poetry, has rhythm (or, timing) and I think this poem is slightly too off for the jokes to work [note, of course, some people will actively subvert comedic rhythm for comic effect, but this is a sort of self-aware meta-comedy – maybe this poem should be read like that, but it wasn’t obvious]. I can see the jokes in there, I laughed, indeed… but I just can't fully get at them.
But, it's a fine line you are treading here because the strange rhythm you do have does, there is no doubt, add to the 'sick as fuck[ness]' of it all, and trying to retain that with the humour may be difficult.

[BennyBoy]

"addicted to the sounds of bones breaking"

That's my favorite line. It's like the title of a Cannibal Corpse song.

[Arriedo]

Thank you for the critique I do appreciate it