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Hi, I wrote this poem that I will inscribe in a book for my friend's birthday. I've spent several hours working on it, but I feel it's still pretty shoddy. Can you please help me improve it? Thank you in advance!
1st Edit
I'll never forget our first touch of fingers
Our hands produced a warmth that still lingers
You cover my heart with your soft embrace
I trace my feelings along your fair face
Music in your laughter; love in your eyes
Undying kindness like endless blue skies
My faith in life you help instill
For you I care and always will
Original version;
A Time Ahead
I'll never forget our first touch of fingers
Our hands produced a warmth that still lingers
Your smile, your laughter; angelic eyes
Undying kindness like blue endless skies
My faith in life you help instill
For you I care and always will
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Good advice! Thank you rowens.
I considered trying to make it more personal... But reading your advice I'll redouble my efforts in that direction.
Should I reference specific times we shared, aspects of her personality, her physical appearance... all of the above?
I'll work on it for a few more days then edit my post with the new version.
You know her. So I can't begin to make any suggestions about what she might like or be comfortable with. It's just one of those things where if she's worth the effort and the chance, you just have to dig the right words, get the feelings across, and see if you find each other on the page.
You say it's a dedication you're writing in a book you're giving her for her birthday. Maybe you could tie something of that into the poem.
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Heya Benny
What a sweet gesture for a friend. From a girl's point of view:
"your smile, your laughter; angelic eyes
Undying kindness like blue endless skies"
Is really a nice thought, but going deeper would allow a better connection...What about her smile you like? What about her laughter you enjoy? What about her angelic eyes do you like? It helps to dig a little deeper so the reader (your friend) can really understand and appreciate the sentiment. "Undying kindness like blue endless skies" is a great metaphor but what does it accomplish? How does it show the reader the'yre undying kindness? It's vague, sweet, but vague.
I'll never forget our first touch of fingers
Our hands produced a warmth that still lingers"
You're on the right track with this, it has connection and it's personal. I think this is a good example of where the rest of the poem should be. I think with it, should include the warmth...warm like what? And why does it linger? But I do like this image and thought in this.
The last 2 lines, in my opinion are untouchable I wouldn't want to change them because those are your true feelings laid out and thats perfectly poetic in itself. So very impressive to include that in the end, a good conclusion.
Good Luck!
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it's alway hard replying or advising on personal poetry, but here goes
(01-07-2013, 03:18 AM)BennyBoy Wrote: Hi, I wrote this poem that I will inscribe in a book for my friend's birthday. I've spent several hours working on it, but I feel it's still pretty shoddy. Can you please help me improve it? Thank you in advance!
A Time Ahead
I'll never forget our first touch of fingers
Our hands produced a warmth that still lingers
Your smile, your laughter; angelic eyes
Undying kindness like blue endless skies
My faith in life you help instill
For you I care and always will
I found you in a touch,
a touch that echo's within the me you helped create.
I'd speak of mundane things like eyes, and laughter and smiles;
all inconsequential when measured against our friendship
I wanted to make this inscription as special as you are
I can't, I can only say "thank you"
i just felt that me saying this or that didn't or did work would be me talking phooey. instead i tried to write what i'd write to my friends where i the one writing it.
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Thanks for the extra replies people! I've enjoyed them.
That's some good advice about elaborating, arbil_poieo. I wanted to keep things concise, but maybe I'm harming the quality of the poem by being focused on brevity and perfect lines.
Also I was thinking of excising the last two lines, because it was one of the first things I wrote and frankly I may be sick of them by now.
But because of your recommendation I'll leave it in.
That's a nice poem in itself billy - I can see your experience showing.
I've been stuck the last couple of days, (trying to use imagery, be meaningful, be personal, etc, etc), but I think your work may jostle me out of my writer's block.
Thanks again!
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I really enjoyed this poem and I think it's very sweet. I love personal poetry, I do agree that if you added a few more personal lines It would really top it off. what do you think about cutting a word in the second line to help it flow better."Our hands, a warmth that still lingers" just a thought
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(01-08-2013, 02:20 PM)destiny1313 Wrote: I really enjoyed this poem and I think it's very sweet. I love personal poetry, I do agree that if you added a few more personal lines It would really top it off. what do you think about cutting a word in the second line to help it flow better."Our hands, a warmth that still lingers" just a thought
Thank you for the compliments.
I agree the line you cited is clumsy to read - I'll see if I can de-clumsify it.
