No Tea No Toast...

[Poppy]

And I would have come to you,
perfectly weighted like a flower upon its stem.
Pointed in every angled perfection
climbing up those narrow stairs.
Arranging my opiate cravings upon your pillow soft.
Nothing vocal would I request so therefore
nothing to reply.
Look down bright moon she whispers
See how alone I am - in this, his
empty room.
No morning tea no buttered toast
the cut of a lemon
the death of my Eden
a bracelet of his fickle hair
He all vital so very man
Ladies you fortunate ones – he does what he does
because - he can.
Shame in spades that I, lost my moments
pink camellia.
My desperate want to
share his - DNA
Now just one less page
numbered, in my biography…

[rowens]

I like the flow and the rhythm, and the dreamy, dangerous vibe. The "pillow soft" kind of works here; simply "soft pillow" would sound good too. Which is better? That's up to you.

I liked it all right.

[Todd]

Hi Poppy, welcome to the site! A few comments for you:

And I would have come to you,
perfectly weighted like a flower upon its stem.--it might be stronger without the simile by cutting the like
Pointed in every angled perfection
climbing up those narrow stairs.--up may be unnecessary since climbing sort of gets you there
Arranging my opiate cravings upon your pillow soft.
Nothing vocal would I request so therefore--This line and the next feel a bit awkward
nothing to reply.
Look down bright moon she whispers
See how alone I am - in this, his
empty room.
No morning tea no buttered toast
the cut of a lemon
the death of my Eden
a bracelet of his fickle hair
He all vital so very man
Ladies you fortunate ones – he does what he does
because - he can.
Shame in spades that I, lost my moments
pink camellia.
My desperate want to
share his - DNA
Now just one less page
numbered, in my biography…

A lot to like with this one.

Best,

Todd