Apart

[serge gurkski]

Rev. I
(based on tec's comments. Thank you, tec! Please, tell me if this reads better.)

I cannot tell you
what ultimately tore us apart.
I'm not the one to ask, baby.
So don't!
We fell out of love;
does it not seem as if it has all gone?

You are so cold beside me.
You could prove me wrong,
but will you even give it a try?

I would lie down between
your legs and let you
have your way with me.
Please, do me as you like.

If you can please me,
I will stay.

Original:

What ultimately tore us apart
I'm not the one to ask, baby.
Don't ask me!
And you know it better than me anyway.

We fell out, you too I hope,
of love.

Does it not seem, as if it
is all gone, with you so cold next to me?

There is a chance you prove me wrong
but will you give it a try?

I would lay down
between your legs
and let you have your way.
Blind me with your light,
do me as you like,


Should I be pleased,
I would not run away

anymore.


Most likely.

[tectak]

Hello serge,
I am going line by line on this one. Please forgive me if I assume incorrectly that english is not your first spoken language. I believe you think good thoughts in one language but then find difficulty in imparting the same to your work. It could, and may, be worse. You may think you are expressing yourself well This is a problem which occurs in any poetry, and it is because of the certainty felt by the poet that everyone else thinks as he/she does. l Because I see that there is poetic potential I am going to crit this piece as though you were blissfully unaware of the foregoing.

What ultimately tore us apart It is a question? Even if rhetorical it requires a question mark so that the reader know it is not the start of an answer.
I'm not the one to ask, baby.
Don't ask me! I see that you want to express your frustration/anger in this line but it is in danger of being a repeat of the line above. Just "So don't" might work.
And you know it better than me anyway.This relates,or doesn't, to L1 where the question demands an explanatory answer. Can you see this? Q." What tore us apart?"
A. " You know it" .
The answer does not fit the question. Your poem, you fix it.

We fell out, you too I hope, Again, if "we" fell out then "you" is already unquestionably included. "You, too, I hope" is redundant. You could say " We fell out of love, at least I did, and I hope you did too"
of love.

Does it not seem, as if it No comma mid line
is all gone, with you so cold next to me? I know what you are trying to say but the question/answer relationship is, again, a little flaky. Try " Does it not seem as if it has all gone?
You are so cold beside me.

There is a chance you prove me wrong...could prove me wrong
but will you give it a try?

I would lay down Hyperspace leap to this stanza. Way too sudden into the the jaws of sex. Sadly, and it is a reflection of our times, the female porn stars lead us, by overt enthusiasm, to believe that once we passive males are between their legs, THEY have THEIR way with us. The opposite used to apply. I am 64 and open to suggestion/correction.
between your legs
and let you have your way.
Blind me with your light, Oh, I've seen this act. There's a torch up there. How the hell you can get a torch AND a cliche this big up there is mind boggling.
do me as you like,


Should I be pleased,
I would not run away

anymore.


Most likely.This weird line spacing is gratuitous. How is the piece improved? That is the question...but "Should I be pleased" sounds like one,too. "If you please me" fits a little more comfortably.

I end as I began. Lots of imaginative thinking but is it from experience or from heresay? Do not answer...it is rhetorical and probably of no consequence. I like what you are trying to say and strangely enjoy your effort in trying to say it. There is something uncomplicated which I find refreshing. Take a little more care of the "meaningfullness" of words, lines and stanzas and you will write some fine stuff.
Best,
tectak Remember, all is opinion.

[serge gurkski]

@ tec:

my apologies. I over-reacted.

have a fine weekend

Serge

[tectak]

Rev. I
(based on tec's comments. Thank you, tec! Please, tell me if this reads better.)
Good edit,serge....but l would say that, wouldn't I

I cannot tell you, Doesn't need the comma, serge.
what ultimately tore us apart.
I'm not the one to ask, baby.
So don't!
We fell out of lovePossibly a semi-colon here
Does it not seem as if it has all gone?
You are so cold beside me.
You could prove me wrong,
but will you even give it a try?
I would lie down between
your legs and let you
have your way with me.
Please, do me as you like.
If you can please me,
I will stay.
Excellent stuff,serge. Well worth the effort and highly readable.
Best,
tectak[/i]
Original:

What ultimately tore us apart
I'm not the one to ask, baby.
Don't ask me!
And you know it better than me anyway.

We fell out, you too I hope,
of love.

Does it not seem, as if it
is all gone, with you so cold next to me?

There is a chance you prove me wrong
but will you give it a try?

I would lay down
between your legs
and let you have your way.
Blind me with your light,
do me as you like,


Should I be pleased,
I would not run away

anymore.


Most likely.

[serge gurkski]

fixing the comma and thank you again!

---

tec wrote: Good edit,serge....but l would say that, wouldn't I?

yeah. Concerning the semi-colon: Why not just a full stop?


cheers
Serge

[tectak]

fixing the comma and thank you again!

---

tec wrote: Good edit,serge....but l would say that, wouldn't I?

yeah. Concerning the semi-colon: Why not just a full stop?


cheers
Serge

Full stop is fine, serge. There is, though, a strong connection of dependency between the two lines which may be lost by the ultimacy of the full stop. Of course, the purpose of punctuation is to bind, control and indicate. I agree with you in that poetry in this forum is not necessarily for reading "out loud" so the reader can gallop or stroll through the piece in his/her head. The dramatic pause of comma, semi-colon, colon or full-stop changes in duration with the pace of the read. The ratio, though, should be consistent. I was always taught that comma, count 1; semi- colon, count 2; colon,count 4; full stop.....to suit the reader's dramatic requirement.
It is an old guide and times change
Best,
tectak

[serge gurkski]

I will recite it either myself or let it be recited. I very rarely use semi-colons. I understand what you are saying. Hm. Must rethink.
I cannot think of poetry not being read aloud. It is not painting. ;-)
I will semi-colonize that line now. ;-)

cheers
Serge

[serge gurkski]

fixing the comma and thank you again!

---

tec wrote: Good edit,serge....but l would say that, wouldn't I?

yeah. Concerning the semi-colon: Why not just a full stop?


cheers
Serge

Full stop is fine, serge. There is, though, a strong connection of dependency between the two lines which may be lost by the ultimacy of the full stop. Of course, the purpose of punctuation is to bind, control and indicate. I agree with you in that poetry in this forum is not necessarily for reading "out loud" so the reader can gallop or stroll through the piece in his/her head. The dramatic pause of comma, semi-colon, colon or full-stop changes in duration with the pace of the read. The ratio, though, should be consistent. I was always taught that comma, count 1; semi- colon, count 2; colon,count 4; full stop.....to suit the reader's dramatic requirement.
It is an old guide and times change
Best,
tectak

I will try to convince a wonderful person to recite it for me. )my soundcard sucks). So wish me luck.

[Stalker]

Serrrsh

tinkering? well I would twiddle with the end even more



If you can please me,
I will stay.


if you can please me? - well we know she can, she has done so before I figure,

If you please me
if you still please me

perhaps - if it pleases me


Will he stay? it is so clinical, the poem as a whole, so I kinda doubt that he will stay, she may please him. Will sounds a bit definite and committed to me.

he may stay
he can stay
maybe he can stay
he might stay


do me as you like - this I love - a taunting challenging passive agressive surrender, and it is most definitely not 'do me as I like / liked'

I want to write a poem with do-me as one word in it - yeah.

cheers

StalkeR

[serge gurkski]

StalkeR: I want to write a poem with do-me as one word in it - yeah.

good luck ;-)

---

If it pleases me is better than what I had before.

It is a war of roses, stalker, a real one, unfortunately.

So yes, I am moody now.
Gf and me: I cannot count, how often we split. Sigh. ;-)

Thank you for reading me and cheers

Serge

[Stalker]

Serrshhhh

perhaps what I could have / should have said about this is that it paints a very clear picture of a man who is tested and frustrated with this relationship, devoid of ideas at how to fix it and has become 'shutdown' in his ability to communicate any of that.

Somehow he wants to fix things but since the root is so elusive, incommuncable he is poised to accept the inevitability of another failed reconciliation, another failed attempt to re-ignite.

I find your sparse use of uncomplicated language conveys this idea very directly from you to me.

I offer these alternate phrases to show you small nuances, and how these are so full of impact in a bare bones representation of a complex situation.

If some of what I got was indeed your intention then I would say job well done.

StalkeR

---

Serrshhhh

perhaps what I could have / should have said about this is that it paints a very clear picture of a man who is tested and frustrated with this relationship, devoid of ideas at how to fix it and has become 'shutdown' in his ability to communicate any of that.

Somehow he wants to fix things but since the root is so elusive, incommuncable he is poised to accept the inevitability of another failed reconciliation, another failed attempt to re-ignite. Perhaps also unwilling to take any responsibility for how that might go, save inviting it.

I find your sparse use of uncomplicated language conveys this idea very directly from you to me.

I offer these alternate phrases to show you small nuances, and how these are so full of impact in a bare bones representation of a complex situation.

If some of what I got was indeed your intention then I would say job well done.

StalkeR

[serge gurkski]

My dearest stalker,
why don't you recite my clinical poem? i am a bit running out of female voices these days.

hugs
your victim :-)

---

let me rectify or specify: Anglophone female voices.

Quoting stalker:If some of what I got was indeed your intention then I would say job well done. Unquote
You got me completely.
Proof