Vicissitudes of Fate
#1
When i'm going through my worst nights,
I picture mama's smile, when she heard my birth cry,
recall the first night.
Dear son, life's gonna be a tough one,
you best don't be sloppy if you wanna get the job done.
Well mama now, my life has got me spread thin,
the only thing that they seem to care, is what i'm dressed in.
I think I rather have children's fun,
though as a kid I used to wonder why they build them guns.
Don't hate money, money is a funny friend.
They spent money on sins, I so no punishment.
I see AK forty-seven used, as a weapon,
I see hypocrites kissing ass trying to go to heaven.
I refuse to sing the phony tune,
in the only room that could see the lonely moon,
they just assume that,
it's hot at the noon but it's only June,
I question, how soon are we approaching doom?
Still got faith in my dear Lord,
I try to think about the good days to cheer for.
But Lord please tell me,
why do I keep seeing the good ones die,
and why let the poor ones cry, at the night?

Sipping on Hennessy,
dipping into memories of the tragedy where,
my friend deceased,
rest in peace.
they say life's cruel. a car slide through the sidewalk,
and on the same spot her mother died too.
my heart was torn i mourn,
our parents were friends, they watched us born,
but I'm pretty sure it's nothing compared,
to your daddy's pain,
to have raised a family in vain.
but you go no worries, girl, ur daddy is doing okay.
he was brave to face the vicissitudes of fate...
and I used to hate to go to sleep,
in my dream you scream,
you didn't really choose this way to leave.
They keep telling us, God's fair,
comprehend the reason why, Einstein did not believe that God cares.
Well I still have some to roll a fat one to feel like God's there.
A poem said, drink to your comrade's eyes,
here's a toast to the dead already,
and hurrah, for the next to die.
Can't forget about the flesh and bone, fuck,
another shot for the dead and gone.
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#2
some opinions kind people?
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#3
Welcome Amedeo!
It's so easy to appreciate poems like this, it's blunt and cuts like a knife!
You mentioned that you think you're not done but I feel the last line is a good punch. To me a poem's last line should possess the overall emotion of the whole piece and be the strongest and "I roll a fat one to feel like God's there" did just that.

I think you should begin with the "Dear Son" line that seems a stronger line and more emotionally gripping

"Don't hate money, money is a funny friend"---that's a great way to express the opinion of money in the narrator's life. I don't think you need "Don't hate money" because money is written twice in that line and then again in the line after "they spent money on sins" (it could be "spent on sins" or any variation of that)

There's a lot of unimportant lines mixed in with solid lines "in the only room that could see the lonely moon" / "it's hot at the noon but its only June" (or maybe I just don't understand them)/ "they say lifes cruel" (cliche)

There are some grammar/spelling errors: lord---Lord in (stanza 2), okey---okay (in stanza 3)

Overall, this has potential and you're on the right track. In parts of it (specifically in stanza 2) there seem to be observations that felt unfinished (meaning it jumps from one topic to another without the reader getting the full effect) if that makes any sense...? I like the message, I also thought it was really good to go from the narrator's observations of tragedy to personal tragedy.

This is all just my opinion. I hope this was helpful.
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#4
(01-05-2013, 11:31 AM)arbil_poieo Wrote:  Welcome Amedeo!
It's so easy to appreciate poems like this, it's blunt and cuts like a knife!
You mentioned that you think you're not done but I feel the last line is a good punch. To me a poem's last line should possess the overall emotion of the whole piece and be the strongest and "I roll a fat one to feel like God's there" did just that.

I think you should begin with the "Dear Son" line that seems a stronger line and more emotionally gripping

"Don't hate money, money is a funny friend"---that's a great way to express the opinion of money in the narrator's life. I don't think you need "Don't hate money" because money is written twice in that line and then again in the line after "they spent money on sins" (it could be "spent on sins" or any variation of that)

There's a lot of unimportant lines mixed in with solid lines "in the only room that could see the lonely moon" / "it's hot at the noon but its only June" (or maybe I just don't understand them)/ "they say lifes cruel" (cliche)

There are some grammar/spelling errors: lord---Lord in (stanza 2), okey---okay (in stanza 3)

Overall, this has potential and you're on the right track. In parts of it (specifically in stanza 2) there seem to be observations that felt unfinished (meaning it jumps from one topic to another without the reader getting the full effect) if that makes any sense...? I like the message, I also thought it was really good to go from the narrator's observations of tragedy to personal tragedy.

This is all just my opinion. I hope this was helpful.

Thanks man! I really appreciate your comment man it makes a lot of sense. I'm actually a rapper, this is a song I just wrote. I study poetry/music/philosophy, and I believe that meaningful poetry could very well be incorporated into music (with carefully designed rhythmic patterns). This was written conscious of a steady beat and I just really wanted to hear opinions from pure poets on it!

One difference between pure poems and musical poems (rap) is that the latter requires constantly coming up multi-syllable rhymes. "life's cruel" is kinda of cliche, I totally agree man, only if I didn't need it there to rhyme with "slide through", "side" and "died too".. hahaha maybe when i record it out it will sound better? And all those seemingly unrelated lines..

One last thing, can you think of a better title for me? Maybe Attempted Blasphemy doesn't quite fit this song? Another reason is that I don't wanna waste this title, cuz I think I could write a real blasphemy, feel me

Thanks man!

Amadeo
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#5
Yeah, I figured it was a rap and I agree poems and raps can be one in the same at times.
I like the title but it doesn't fit this and it could be used for something else...maybe Cheap Faith or Far From God (I'm horrible at titles)

Good luck on recording it, it has a deeper meaning than most rap.
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#6
(01-05-2013, 12:35 PM)arbil_poieo Wrote:  Yeah, I figured it was a rap and I agree poems and raps can be one in the same at times.
I like the title but it doesn't fit this and it could be used for something else...maybe Cheap Faith or Far From God (I'm horrible at titles)

Good luck on recording it, it has a deeper meaning than most rap.


Appreciate it man
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