Posts: 2,602
Threads: 303
Joined: Feb 2017
You will be my comfort for you have grown old with me.
Long ago, you were my guardian, but in this dark and familiar room,
my protection is as inconsequential as the death of a flower, the fall of a leaf,
or a gunshot after dark in screaming Columbian streets.
You are by my side and that is all I ever asked. When I was young
and stood, by choice, tall as a tree in a desert,
visible, vulnerable and yet unafraid,
it was because you were close to me.
I never told you that you were my strength;
but I held you. I caressed you. I stripped you down and put you together again.
I knew you as well as blood. One day, and I say this to a friend,
if I live too long, you will be my comfort.
tectak Jan 2013
Posts: 497
Threads: 83
Joined: Dec 2012
Brilliant! I'm in the unknown as to Columbian streets. I can imagine something illegal. ;-)
Guardian?
L2: My my (as much as I love the song by Neil. it's a bit redundant. I know it's just a typo. I do that all the time.
Content-wise on L3: Why is the death of a flower etc inconsequential. It is consequential in the harvest, me thought. But do not get me wrong: I love these metaphors. Just that in line four I find the comma disturbing. In my ear the line rolls better without it.
L5: by my side: a tad cliché. Line 7. do you really need „yet“?
Absolutely love the last 2 lines!
Very fine stuff. It was a joy to read.
cheers
Serge
Posts: 2,602
Threads: 303
Joined: Feb 2017
(01-03-2013, 08:35 PM)serge gurkski Wrote: Brilliant! I'm in the unknown as to Columbian streets. I can imagine something illegal. ;-)
Guardian?
L2: My my (as much as I love the song by Neil. it's a bit redundant. I know it's just a typo. I do that all the time.
Content-wise on L3: Why is the death of a flower etc inconsequential. It is consequential in the harvest, me thought. But do not get me wrong: I love these metaphors. Just that in line four I find the comma disturbing. In my ear the line rolls better without it.
L5: by my side: a tad cliché. Line 7. do you really need „yet“?
Absolutely love the last 2 lines!
Very fine stuff. It was a joy to read.
cheers
Serge Hello serge,
Thanks for this. I will remove that comma as it bothers me,too. The "yet" is to emphasise that whilst the character SHOULD have been afraid, he was not. It is an abbrevited form of "in spite of this".
I don' t see the two me's unless it is a " Paris in the the Spring" thing. I will look again. Bugger me. Found me. Thanks. Columbian streets. Murder capital. gunshots day and night. They even take pops at police helicopters. Bang.......screeeeeeeaaaaaamm!............bang..,bang....screeeeeeeam
Regarding inconsequentialities....allow me this as I did say "a" flower/leaf. Singular.
Cliche? Yes. I think you are right.........but isn't everything if that's what we all say 
Best,
tectak
Posts: 497
Threads: 83
Joined: Dec 2012
ok. Columbian streets,I got it now. ,) was close anyway.
I always think of Tijuana when i think about that.
On clichés.No, tec, I don't think so.
One can of course use clichés sarcastically.
But, really, I love this text.
So don't bang your head. ,-)
On "inconsequential": I do know what you mean but just was wondering of how good it fits the metaphors.
The double me's are gone.
No need to invoke Paris for that anymore.
They even take pops at police helicopters.
Chuckling. You very well know that this line is a perfectly catchy title for a new poem.
cheers and a fine day to you
Serge
Posts: 72
Threads: 10
Joined: Dec 2012
I've made some line by line comments below. Overall I like the idea and the poem is easy and enjoyable to read.
(01-03-2013, 07:49 PM)tectak Wrote: You are my comfort now, you have grown old with me.
Long ago, you were my gaurdian, but in this dark and familiar room,
Before I came to poetry development forums I would have felt fine about the mention of a 'dark and familiar room' but now I just wonder what it represents, where it is, etc...
my protection is as inconsequential as the death of a flower, the fall of a leaf,
or the sound of a gun after dark in screaming Columbian streets.
quite a contrast between the first 2 items of the list and the 3rd - I'm undecided as to whether it works because of the starkness of the contrast.
You are by my side and that is all I ever asked. Even when I was young
and stood, by choice, tall as a tree in a desert; visible, vulnerable and yet unafraid,
My image of desert trees is that they are stunted, ragged and largely leafless! My image may of course be incorrect but I guess I'm merely urging caution. One man's meat...
you were always close to me. I never told you that you were my strength;
but I held you. I caressed you. I stripped you down and put you together again.
Again I'm not sure about the stripping down image - it feels inconsistent with the strength you're talking about.
I knew you as well as blood. One day, and I say this to a friend,
if I live too long, you will be my comfort.
Here, I felt as if the end came rather quickly. As much as I like the poetry in the line "I knew you as well as blood" it isn't immediately clear how we get to know 'blood' let alone know it well. I'm also curious about the "if" it presupposes there are conditions under which the object person will NOT provide comfort
Posts: 2,602
Threads: 303
Joined: Feb 2017
(01-03-2013, 10:32 PM)Pete Ak Wrote: I've made some line by line comments below. Overall I like the idea and the poem is easy and enjoyable to read.
(01-03-2013, 07:49 PM)tectak Wrote: You are my comfort now, you have grown old with me.
Long ago, you were my gaurdian, but in this dark and familiar room,
Before I came to poetry development forums I would have felt fine about the mention of a 'dark and familiar room' but now I just wonder what it represents, where it is, etc...
my protection is as inconsequential as the death of a flower, the fall of a leaf,
or the sound of a gun after dark in screaming Columbian streets.
quite a contrast between the first 2 items of the list and the 3rd - I'm undecided as to whether it works because of the starkness of the contrast.
You are by my side and that is all I ever asked. Even when I was young 2
and stood, by choice, tall as a tree in a desert; visible, vulnerable and yet unafraid,
My image of desert trees is that they are stunted, ragged and largely leafless! My image may of course be incorrect but I guess I'm merely urging caution. One man's meat...
you were always close to me. I never told you that you were my strength;
but I held you. I caressed you. I stripped you down and put you together again.
Again I'm not sure about the stripping down image - it feels inconsistent with the strength you're talking about.
I knew you as well as blood. One day, and I say this to a friend,
if I live too long, you will be my comfort.
Here, I felt as if the end came rather quickly. As much as I like the poetry in the line "I knew you as well as blood" it isn't immediately clear how we get to know 'blood' let alone know it well. I@m also curious about the "if" it presupposes there are conditions under which the object person will NOT provide comfort As you get to know me better you will find that I don't do obscure/complex/hidden meaning. The title is the giveaway.....the main character is talking about his gun.....which if he lives too long will bring him comfort in that he knows it will take him into peace . Bang. That is all Blood as in family.You are right about desert trees....which is why one that was tall would stand out (visible) and would be vulnerable (alone).
Thanks for all,
best,
tectak
(01-03-2013, 08:35 PM)serge gurkski Wrote: Brilliant! I'm in the unknown as to Columbian streets. I can imagine something illegal. ;-)
Guardian?
L2: My my (as much as I love the song by Neil. it's a bit redundant. I know it's just a typo. I do that all the time.
Content-wise on L3: Why is the death of a flower etc inconsequential. It is consequential in the harvest, me thought. But do not get me wrong: I love these metaphors. Just that in line four I find the comma disturbing. In my ear the line rolls better without it.
L5: by my side: a tad cliché. Line 7. do you really need „yet“?
Absolutely love the last 2 lines!
Very fine stuff. It was a joy to read.
cheers
Serge Guardian....thanks!
Posts: 72
Threads: 10
Joined: Dec 2012
I feel stupid now completely missing the premise of your poem. In my defence, had the title bar been just 'Old Gun' I might have had a chance! I read it as a message to Billy re. an edit and dismissed it!
So to complete my critique, I can now say I consider it to be a fine poem.
Posts: 2,602
Threads: 303
Joined: Feb 2017
(01-04-2013, 02:11 AM)Pete Ak Wrote: I feel stupid now completely missing the premise of your poem. In my defence, had the title bar been just 'Old Gun' I might have had a chance! I read it as a message to Billy re. an edit and dismissed it!
So to complete my critique, I can now say I consider it to be a fine poem.
A playful title........Young Guns
Best,
tectak
Posts: 2,357
Threads: 230
Joined: Oct 2010
Hi tectak, are you doing a more literate Tupac's Me and My Girlfriend? Just kidding.
(01-03-2013, 07:49 PM)tectak Wrote: You are my comfort now, you have grown old with me.
Long ago, you were my guardian, but in this dark and familiar room,--God, this gives the mood of an upcoming suicide
my protection is as inconsequential as the death of a flower, the fall of a leaf,--do you need the "is". I like the nature images. Spring is long past. We are in an autumn where the things of beauty are fading. It also speaks to the state of the speaker's mind
or the sound of a gun after dark in screaming Columbian streets.--given the title I don't really like "or the sound of a gun". I like the second phrase with the Columbian streets just needs a different lead in
You are by my side and that is all I ever asked. Even when I was young--maybe a slight change would make this less predictable: That you are by my side is...Just a thought
and stood, by choice, tall as a tree in a desert; visible, vulnerable and yet unafraid,--desert and tree don't seem to fit. I realize there are trees in the desert. I associate shrubs more with deserts obviously that would screw up your descriptive word choices
you were always close to me. I never told you that you were my strength;--do you really need "you were always close to me"?
but I held you. I caressed you. I stripped you down and put you together again.[b]--The repetition of I may be a little much. I do love the stripped you for the dual meaning
I knew you as well as blood. One day, and I say this to a friend,--I love I knew you as well as blood
if I live too long, you will be my comfort.
tectak Jan 2013
I enjoyed the read. I hope the comments help in some way.
Best,
Todd
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson
Posts: 2,602
Threads: 303
Joined: Feb 2017
(01-04-2013, 06:47 AM)Todd Wrote: Hi tectak, are you doing a more literate Tupac's Me and My Girlfriend? Just kidding.
(01-03-2013, 07:49 PM)tectak Wrote: You are my comfort now, you have grown old with me.
Long ago, you were my guardian, but in this dark and familiar room,--God, this gives the mood of an upcoming suicide
my protection is as inconsequential as the death of a flower, the fall of a leaf,--do you need the "is". I like the nature images. Spring is long past. We are in an autumn where the things of beauty are fading. It also speaks to the state of the speaker's mind
or the sound of a gun after dark in screaming Columbian streets.--given the title I don't really like "or the sound of a gun". I like the second phrase with the Columbian streets just needs a different lead in
You are by my side and that is all I ever asked. Even when I was young--maybe a slight change would make this less predictable: That you are by my side is...Just a thought
and stood, by choice, tall as a tree in a desert; visible, vulnerable and yet unafraid,--desert and tree don't seem to fit. I realize there are trees in the desert. I associate shrubs more with deserts obviously that would screw up your descriptive word choices
you were always close to me. I never told you that you were my strength;--do you really need "you were always close to me"?
but I held you. I caressed you. I stripped you down and put you together again.[b]--The repetition of I may be a little much. I do love the stripped you for the dual meaning
I knew you as well as blood. One day, and I say this to a friend,--I love I knew you as well as blood
if I live too long, you will be my comfort.
tectak Jan 2013
I enjoyed the read. I hope the comments help in some way.
Best,
Todd
Thanks tod,
I have done an immediate rewrite based on some of your comments....although Tupac is a mystery to me, but it is late.
Best,
tectak
Posts: 2,357
Threads: 230
Joined: Oct 2010
Tupac: A dead rap singer who sings about his "girlfriend" a gun (or judging by the calibers a group of guns).
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson
Posts: 2,602
Threads: 303
Joined: Feb 2017
(01-04-2013, 07:50 AM)Todd Wrote: Tupac: A dead rap singer who sings about his "girlfriend" a gun (or judging by the calibers a group of guns). For pity's sake , todd. I'm 64
Best,
tectak
Posts: 2,357
Threads: 230
Joined: Oct 2010
I'm too old for it too these days too.
I had a coworker have me analyze that specific rap to show me that Tupac was a poet. I'm willing to say he was a rapper, and we'll leave it at that.
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson
Posts: 5,057
Threads: 1,075
Joined: Dec 2009
(01-03-2013, 07:49 PM)tectak Wrote: You will be my comfort for you have grown old with me.
Long ago, you were my guardian, but in this dark and familiar room, not sure you need 'long ago' as we already you grew old together
my protection is as inconsequential as the death of a flower, the fall of a leaf,
or a gunshot after dark in screaming Columbian streets. the small edits so far, work for me. i like that you removed sound
You are by my side and that is all I ever asked. When I was young a suggestion would be, 'side, it's all'
and stood, by choice, tall as a tree in a desert while tall as a tree verges on cliche, the addition of desert stops it being so. i'm reading this as someone who stand alone and the metaphor of a tall tree in a desert works well in showing an image of high visibility and vulnerability. where there is no actual image
visible, vulnerable and yet unafraid,
it was because you were close to me.
I never told you that you were my strength;
but I held you. I caressed you. I stripped you down and put you together again.
I knew you as well as blood. One day, and I say this to a friend,
if I live too long, you will be my comfort.
tectak Jan 2013
an odd nit but a good edit.
after reading some of the replies, i still felt the tree line worked well. but that doesn't mean it does 
Posts: 67
Threads: 7
Joined: Jan 2013
HI
may I ask
why do you start with 'you are my comfort now'
and end with
you will be my comfort.
StalkeR
Posts: 2,602
Threads: 303
Joined: Feb 2017
(01-07-2013, 06:02 AM)Stalker Wrote: HI
may I ask
why do you start with 'you are my comfort now'
and end with
you will be my comfort.
StalkeR
hi stalker,
Luckily, I have the answer!
The poem is written in reverse narrative in that by stating in the first instance that the gun is no longer for protection the reader must read on to find out why. The narrative then gives history a go, hopefully explaining the gun's role change. The closing lines are then portentous.,......the time has come. The gun must do the deed.
You couldn't write this the right way round as that would introduce death before delivery It would also be pedestrian as it has been done to death.
Best,
and still alive,
tectak
Posts: 67
Threads: 7
Joined: Jan 2013
(01-07-2013, 06:20 AM)tectak Wrote: (01-07-2013, 06:02 AM)Stalker Wrote: HI
may I ask
why do you start with 'you are my comfort now'
and end with
you will be my comfort.
StalkeR
hi stalker,
Luckily, I have the answer!
The poem is written in reverse narrative in that by stating in the first instance that the gun is no longer for protection the reader must read on to find out why. The narrative then gives history a go, hopefully explaining the gun's role change. The closing lines are then portentous.,......the time has come. The gun must do the deed.
You couldn't write this the right way round as that would introduce death before delivery It would also be pedestrian as it has been done to death.
Best,
and still alive,
tectak
I see##so in the opening line why is it not
you have been my comfort? - I don't get a sense of the passage of time the way it is now.
Oh perhaps at last I see - he is reminisicing and then he uses this old faithful to blow his brains out.
sorry maybe I am thick but I did not get that at all - death as consolation? hmm
is an escaoe from discomfort the same as comfort?
Posts: 2,602
Threads: 303
Joined: Feb 2017
(01-07-2013, 07:04 AM)Stalker Wrote: (01-07-2013, 06:20 AM)tectak Wrote: (01-07-2013, 06:02 AM)Stalker Wrote: HI
may I ask
why do you start with 'you are my comfort now'
and end with
you will be my comfort.
StalkeR
hi stalker,
Luckily, I have the answer!
The poem is written in reverse narrative in that by stating in the first instance that the gun is no longer for protection the reader must read on to find out why. The narrative then gives history a go, hopefully explaining the gun's role change. The closing lines are then portentous.,......the time has come. The gun must do the deed.
You couldn't write this the right way round as that would introduce death before delivery It would also be pedestrian as it has been done to death.
Best,
and still alive,
tectak
I see##so in the opening line why is it not
you have been my comfort? - I don't get a sense of the passage of time the way it is now.
Oh perhaps at last I see - he is reminisicing and then he uses this old faithful to blow his brains out.
sorry maybe I am thick but I did not get that at all - death as consolation? hmm
is an escaoe from discomfort the same as comfort? YES!!!
|
