Nervous

[newsclippings]

new:
vengeance tickles my heart while
love moves, forgets my direction;

i said no
but his fury brought me close

i'm caught loving another man forever.

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i wouldn't mind if we slowly drifted apart--
parted naturally, in time

but to see the end before it starts,
that's not love at all.


old:
vengeance tickles my heart while
love moves, forgets my direction;

i said no
but his fury brought me close

i'm caught loving another man forever.

---

i wouldn't mind if we slowly drifted apart--
parted naturally, in time

but to see the end before it starts,
well that's not love at all.

[brandontoh]

Hi! I really like this poem. The impact you manage to deliver over just a few lines is great! In particular, I really like the 3rd stanza. It may only be one line, but it's sort of like the great revelation of the poem.

However, I got confused over the "forgets my direction" part of the second line. How did you forget your direction? What direction were you traveling on?

Also, I think that the second line of the fourth stanza can do without the word "parted".

Your use of the word "love" is also confusing. At first, love is presented as a somewhat powerful force that you cannot control, that it moves you towards loving someone forever. However, at the end, you say that it's not love after all. I'm not sure if this is intentional or not, but if it is, then you did a great job.

[arbil_poieo]

Welcome newsclippings!
My first reaction after reading this was wow. You trusted the simplicity without overpowering it.

I don't believe you need "well" or "drifted apart" because "parted naturally" covers that and "well" makes the line weak in my opinion.

I really like what you did here, it's clear with strong lines.

[newsclippings]

I do agree on removing the "well" -- but the parted and apart signed together was more intentional, as I didn't like for a single word to do the job, but rather an antonym.

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the "well" also seemed a little juvenile to me

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(once you pointed it out)

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also the "forgets my direction" just means that love is moving away from me, "forgets" where I am, if I exist