tonight - please critique!

[xx81510xx]

Laogvjk

[billy]

i think the poem would be better responded to in the novice forum, at worse, in the mild forum.

two big problems you have are cliche [using well used phrases] more of the line are clichéd than are original.
the 2nd problem is that whole sections like this;

Throat in knots
Chest in pain
Love on fire
Heart in chains
Another night
She lies awake
Hoping, praying

are too list like and really tell or show us very little. all are clichés and extremely common in forum poetry. most of the poem reads the same way. i'd suggest deleting the poem here and reposting it in novice, there we can help you work on it bit by bit. in all honesty it feels a little like a fish out of water in the serious forum.

please don't be angry, i and many others started our poetry journey in the same way. just stick with it and pretty soon you'll get the hang of the basics

[tectak]

i think the poem would be better responded to in the novice forum, at worse, in the mild forum.

two big problems you have are cliche [using well used phrases] more of the line are clichéd than are original.
the 2nd problem is that whole sections like this;

Throat in knots
Chest in pain
Love on fire
Heart in chains
Another night
She lies awake
Hoping, praying

are too list like and really tell or show us very little. all are clichés and extremely common in forum poetry. most of the poem reads the same way. i'd suggest deleting the poem here and reposting it in novice, there we can help you work on it bit by bit. in all honesty it feels a little like a fish out of water in the serious forum.

please don't be angry, i and many others started our poetry journey in the same way. just stick with it and pretty soon you'll get the hang of the basics

Ditto billy with my usual suggestion for this minimalist "list" stuff: use what you ave and then turn it into poetry. I can't help but see "Pint of milk, fishfingers, washing up liquid" interspersed throughout the piece. There is a bogof on cliches this week.
tectak

[KbPoetry]

To be honest, this needs some work. The uniqueness just isn't there yet. Try to describe things in ways only you can. Make connections that you can use to logically leap to other topics or items that you feel could really express your point. I also feel that another aspect of this piece that needs to be worked on is the abstractions. Abstractions are words that have a different meaning to everyone. For example, peace, love, pain, etc. Instead of telling us about these, it would make your piece way stronger to show these to us through unique descriptions. Good luck with your revisions!