This Winter 2009. A winter spoiler...delete,billy, if it offends

[tectak]

This winter sent the piercing spikes; glass-brittle, hard as flint.
Not yielding to the sword of light, they daily grow
by inch on inch and glint on glint,
from water freed from fused, fine jewels once held as snow.
These transient gems in nature’s crown
no feeble sun can render down,
this winter morn.

This winter chills the mid-day breeze until air scintillates;
and from the high and bedecked boughs, encrusted white,
falls shards as ice disintegrates.
A glimpse, a flash, of low-noon sun through grey cloud, edged with light
though fleeting and yet promising
no comfort nor warm rapture brings,
this winter noon.

This winter strides bare fallow fields, in dark and cold they lay.
A breath, a sigh of falling air, moves not one blade,
nor leaf, nor twig, this dying day .
Grey cloaked, the ruby, skirmished sky is set to fade,
as blood will blacken, in to night.
Strong men will hunch against the bite,
this winter eve.

This winter closed out stars above with dense but unseen cloud;
whilst down below the clamping cold held tight the land.
Then stirrred the breeze, but with no sound,
new fell the snow to layer deep, to cover and
make pure the ground in wait of spring,
that only hope alone can bring,
this winter night.

Tom Kirby Jan 2009

[billy]

poetry doesn't offend me. people offend me or did you mean 'delete billy? '

i just had a couple of passes on it and i see nothing at all wrong with it, that it would need deleting. i'll get back with some feedback later

[billy]

sorry i didn't get back sooner

This winter sent the piercing spikes; glass-brittle, hard as flint. the title has the date in it so the 'this' at the beginning feels extraneous, as it does in the other verse. the image in the latter half is exceptional.
Not yielding to the sword of light, they daily grow
by inch on inch and glint on glint, solid use of repetition which works,
from water freed from fused, fine jewels once held as snow. the 2nd from feels like one to many, i'd suggest of instead of the 1st from.
These transient gems in nature’s crown nature's crown is a phrase i've also used in poetry so i'm guessing we both wrote a cliche. is 'these needed?
no feeble sun can render down,
this winter morn.

This winter chills the mid-day breeze until air scintillates;
and from the high and bedecked boughs, encrusted white,
falls shards as ice disintegrates.
A glimpse, a flash, of low-noon sun through grey cloud, edged with light
though fleeting and yet promising
no comfort nor warm rapture brings,
this winter noon.

This winter strides bare fallow fields, in dark and cold they lay.
A breath, a sigh of falling air, moves not one blade, i like the stiffness this line potrays.
nor leaf, nor twig, this dying day .
Grey cloaked, the ruby, skirmished sky is set to fade,
as blood will blacken, in to night. not sure about how to read this line.
Strong men will hunch against the bite, great image.
this winter eve.

This winter closed out stars above with dense but unseen cloud;
whilst down below the clamping cold held tight the land.
Then stirrred the breeze, but with no sound, stirred
new fell the snow to layer deep, to cover and i'd suggest 'a' instead of the 1st 'to'
make pure the ground in wait of spring,
that only hope alone can bring,
this winter night.

Tom Kirby Jan 2009

i like the repetition in the first part of each verse 1st line and the semi refrain in their last lines. it really does have a feel of winter in the words. very descriptive and also image rich. some of the grammar needs work. while most of my points are nits, i think you have enough of them to warrant an edit. well worth the read.

[tectak]

sorry i didn't get back sooner

This winter sent the piercing spikes; glass-brittle, hard as flint. the title has the date in it so the 'this' at the beginning feels extraneous, as it does in the other verse. the image in the latter half is exceptional.
Not yielding to the sword of light, they daily grow
by inch on inch and glint on glint, solid use of repetition which works,
from water freed from fused, fine jewels once held as snow. the 2nd from feels like one to many, i'd suggest of instead of the 1st from.
These transient gems in nature’s crown nature's crown is a phrase i've also used in poetry so i'm guessing we both wrote a cliche. is 'these needed?
no feeble sun can render down,
this winter morn. h

This winter chills the mid-day breeze until air scintillates;
and from the high and bedecked boughs, encrusted white,
falls shards as ice disintegrates.
A glimpse, a flash, of low-noon sun through grey cloud, edged with light
though fleeting and yet promising
no comfort nor warm rapture brings,
this winter noon.

This winter strides bare fallow fields, in dark and cold they lay.
A breath, a sigh of falling air, moves not one blade, i like the stiffness this line potrays.
nor leaf, nor twig, this dying day .
Grey cloaked, the ruby, skirmished sky is set to fade,
as blood will blacken, in to night. not sure about how to read this line.
Strong men will hunch against the bite, great image.
this winter eve.

This winter closed out stars above with dense but unseen cloud;
whilst down below the clamping cold held tight the land.
Then stirred the breeze, but with no sound, stirred oooooops..... scottish blood typo...thanks billy
new fell the snow to layer deep, to cover and i'd suggest 'a' instead of the 1st 'to
make pure the ground in wait of spring,
that only hope alone can bring,
this winter night.

Tom Kirby Jan 2009

i like the repetition in the first part of each verse 1st line and the semi refrain in their last lines. it really does have a feel of winter in the words. very descriptive and also image rich. some of the grammar needs work. while most of my points are nits, i think you have enough of them to warrant an edit. well worth the read.

[
Thanks billy.,
The title is "This Winter". I only stuck 2009 in there to indicate prior claim! I'm shallow like that.
Your other points will be included, though not verboten, in a coming edit. I will, for example, change "........to layer deep" to "........in layer deep". What say you? The line " "Grey cloaked, the ruby, skirmished sky is set to fade, (as blood will blacken) in to night." but I hate using bracketed explanatory phrases as they imply the reader is stupid.......like upspeak.
Give me a day or two.
Best,
tectak

[billy]

fair do's, i can see now why you dated it .

in layer...would do the trick. looking forward to the edit