Midnight Sun

[Cosminescu]

Greetings and Merry Christmas! This be my first time on this forum. Reason why I joined is rather simple. When I was a kid I used to write poems, and later in life at school I was told to have an interesting imagination. I've never really cared much of what was said but finally few days ago I decided to give it another go. Last time I sat down to read poems was when I was 10-11ish. I am not an active reader/writer so please criticize my poems in an understandable way for me due to my lack of knowledge/skill. Also keep in mind that English is not my native language. I've learned it from school, tv and the internet. Here goes!

Midnight Sun

It's dark, It's cold, forever more
I'm sitting here, looking at the door
I wonder when, I wonder how
My heart in sorrow as I sit right now.

Memories glance upon my eyes
Tormenting my soul with many lies
They trick me with their sweet disguise
My mind is taken, in despair it lies.

The days pass, nights as well
I'm hopeless and it hurts like hell
I wish it'd stop, this pain of mine
So the sun once more, on my soul shall shine.

It's hard to think, it's hard to know
What I should do, for I love you so
The more I try, the more I hurt
My knees so weak, I hit the dirt.

The darkness scatters my thoughts away
I kneel and close my eyes to pray
That your smile will find its way
And turn this gruesome darkness into day.

As I open my eyes I look around
I see a shadow, I hear a sound
In despair my mind is drowned
I close my eyes and turn around.

I'll stand my ground, I will not run
As my end approaches, my soul undone
I mumble a prayer, not two but one
That you should be my midnight sun.

[rowens]

Greetings and Merry Christmas! This be my first time on this forum. Reason why I joined is rather simple. When I was a kid I used to write poems, and later in life at school I was told to have an interesting imagination. I've never really cared much of what was said but finally few days ago I decided to give it another go. Last time I sat down to read poems was when I was 10-11ish. I am not an active reader/writer so please criticize my poems in an understandable way for me due to my lack of knowledge/skill. Also keep in mind that English is not my native language. I've learned it from school, tv and the internet. Here goes!

Midnight Sun

It's dark, It's cold, forever more
I'm sitting here, looking at the door
I wonder when, I wonder how
My heart in sorrow as I sit right now.

Memories glance upon my eyes
Tormenting my soul with many lies
They trick me with their sweet disguise
My mind is taken, in despair it lies.

The days pass, nights as well
I'm hopeless and it hurts like hell
I wish it'd stop, this pain of mine
So the sun once more, on my soul shall shine.

It's hard to think, it's hard to know
What I should do, for I love you so
The more I try, the more I hurt
My knees so weak, I hit the dirt.

The darkness scatters my thoughts away
I kneel and close my eyes to pray
That your smile will find its way
And turn this gruesome darkness into day.

As I open my eyes I look around
I see a shadow, I hear a sound
In despair my mind is drowned
I close my eyes and turn around.

I'll stand my ground, I will not run
As my end approaches, my soul undone
I mumble a prayer, not two but one
That you should be my midnight sun.

It just seems thin, you know? The rhymes are the most important things going on here, the power of the emotion and the description is lost in the need to fit the line to the rhyme.

So it seems a bit too easy. When you want to give expression to powerful emotions, you want them to come through, and for the rhymes to feel meant for each other, rather than just seeming forced and arbitrary.

It could be a better poem, if you went over it a few more times. Try to make it run smoothly, and feel warm and honest, instead of mechanical as it seems now.

You have the framework for a good poem, just type up a few more drafts. Give the lines some space to breathe, and room for more of your own original thoughts and ideas.

[tectak]

Greetings and Merry Christmas! This be my first time on this forum. Reason why I joined is rather simple. When I was a kid I used to write poems, and later in life at school I was told to have an interesting imagination. I've never really cared much of what was said but finally few days ago I decided to give it another go. Last time I sat down to read poems was when I was 10-11ish. I am not an active reader/writer so please criticize my poems in an understandable way for me due to my lack of knowledge/skill. Also keep in mind that English is not my native language. I've learned it from school, tv and the internet. Here goes!
Taking due note of your comments I will try for a line by line. Any errors of language affect the feel of a poem.....but that issue is secondary to your wish to improve yourself in an arena, which by your own words, is alien to you. Writing poetry will give you pleasure at all skill levels.....it is worthy if you to try to improve your work for the reader!
Midnight Sun

It's dark, It's cold, forever more You begin with two unassociated "its". Better to say "The room is dark......." and re-rhyme the couplet; particularly as you give no reason why the prevailing ambience is permanent.
I'm sitting here, looking at the door There now follows a dreadfully contrived couplet which repeats "wonder wonder" to no purpose without progressing the story. What on earth do you wonder how? And as to wondering when, you answer this question in the next line.....now.
I wonder when, I wonder how
My heart in sorrow as I sit right now. This opening stanza is probably not salvageable. It really does not work. You gave chosen to go with AABB rhyme scheme which is probably the easiest to work with (nothing wrong with that) and so I don't feel too overbearing in suggesting;
This room is dark, and always cold;
I sit and let my thoughts unfold.
The door means hope for new tomorrows
but why is my heart full of sorrows?
........or something. Over to you...its your bloody poem
Memories glance upon my eyes Nice line, maybe into instead of upon...your call
Tormenting my soul with many lies Tormented soul is a big cliche
They trick me with their sweet disguise
My mind is taken, in despair it lies.
They trick me (the memories) with their sweet disguise;
my mind is lost, and broken lies.
Only a suggestion t.o. preserve the rhythm. The "in" before "despair" caused a half-step too many . Sorry about the inversion but it is ONLY a suggestion.
The days pass, nights as well Rhythm two beats short in this line. Your turn to correct
I'm hopeless and it hurts like hell
I wish it'd stop, this pain of mine
So the sun once more, on my soul shall shine. ...ah, How I love the Ol' blues.Deedaly, deedaly,deedaly-do
STOP NOW! You have said it all and you will only say it all again if you keep on going.
It's hard to think, it's hard to know
What I should do, for I love you so
The more I try, the more I hurt
My knees so weak, I hit the dirt.

The darkness scatters my thoughts away
I kneel and close my eyes to pray
That your smile will find its way
And turn this gruesome darkness into day.

As I open my eyes I look around
I see a shadow, I hear a sound
In despair my mind is drowned
I close my eyes and turn around. and I am bloody dizzy. Which way are you facing?

I'll stand my ground, I will not run
As my end approaches, my soul undone
I mumble a prayer, not two but one
That you should be my midnight sun.

To be honest, the whole piece is an unrequited cliche BUT you did make some nice observations on the human condition. Solitude, hopelessness, unconditional surrender to love are all in here. The piece is over-romanticised to death and will appeal to the Teddy Bear brigade. I think it needs dirtying up a bit......
Best,
tectak[/b]

[Rose Love]

Greetings and Merry Christmas! This be my first time on this forum. Reason why I joined is rather simple. When I was a kid I used to write poems, and later in life at school I was told to have an interesting imagination. I've never really cared much of what was said but finally few days ago I decided to give it another go. Last time I sat down to read poems was when I was 10-11ish. I am not an active reader/writer so please criticize my poems in an understandable way for me due to my lack of knowledge/skill. Also keep in mind that English is not my native language. I've learned it from school, tv and the internet. Here goes!

Midnight Sun

It's dark, It's cold, forever more
I'm sitting here, looking at the door
I wonder when, I wonder how
My heart in sorrow as I sit right now.

Memories glance upon my eyes
Tormenting my soul with many lies
They trick me with their sweet disguise
My mind is taken, in despair it lies.

The days pass, nights as well
I'm hopeless and it hurts like hell
I wish it'd stop, this pain of mine
So the sun once more, on my soul shall shine.

It's hard to think, it's hard to know
What I should do, for I love you so
The more I try, the more I hurt
My knees so weak, I hit the dirt.

The darkness scatters my thoughts away
I kneel and close my eyes to pray
That your smile will find its way
And turn this gruesome darkness into day.

As I open my eyes I look around
I see a shadow, I hear a sound
In despair my mind is drowned
I close my eyes and turn around.

I'll stand my ground, I will not run
As my end approaches, my soul undone
I mumble a prayer, not two but one
That you should be my midnight sun.

Unlike my predecessors on this thread, I think this is a very good sample for a first poem. As someone who has written poetry, among other things, in a couple of different languages, I find much of the preceding feedback to be too advanced for someone just starting out and writing in a foreign language.

For the record, the concept of cliché is the biggest cliché on this website .

As a beginner, I think it's good to start with a simple subject which is common and cliché. As for the actual meaning of the lines and how you have expressed yourself, this is something which I think only comes with maturity and practice as a writer.

Anyway, I think it's good that you kept a good rhythm and rhyme going through it. The type of things you can think of at your stage of development would be, for example, to get more variety in the sounds you rhyme. You used several of the same sounds and even the same words in some of the lines. As a general rule, it's good to avoid using the same rhyme sound, and absolutely never the same word, unless you do it deliberately as part of the expression of the poem.

Also, in the first stanza, I think it's either a grammatical error or a typo, but I think "My heart's in sorrow" is what it ought to read.

Hopefully you didn't get discouraged by some of the feedback...There should be a distinction between "serious critique" and critique too advanced for the poet in question. Or perhaps posting in the "novice" section would have been better? People tend to be less harsh in that section.

[Todd]

Hello Cosminescu, welcome to the site! Merry belated Christmas to you too. I get the gist of your caveats. I'll try not to use fancy lingo to describe what I mean. Here are some comments for you:

Greetings and Merry Christmas! This be my first time on this forum. Reason why I joined is rather simple. When I was a kid I used to write poems, and later in life at school I was told to have an interesting imagination. I've never really cared much of what was said but finally few days ago I decided to give it another go. Last time I sat down to read poems was when I was 10-11ish. I am not an active reader/writer so please criticize my poems in an understandable way for me due to my lack of knowledge/skill. Also keep in mind that English is not my native language. I've learned it from school, tv and the internet. Here goes!


There are times throughout the poem when your rhyme seems to work and times when it feels a bit forced. I'd suggest reading the poem out loud and listening for those times when it seems to clunk. Line 2 and Line 4 for example have those sort of clunks for me as I read it. While I have no issues with rhyme, when I read this I felt at times you allowed the content to be lessened for the sake of matching up a rhyming word.

Memories glance upon my eyes

This is an interesting line in that the memories are doing the glancing and it gives the sense that you're seeing events unfold in your mind's eye. I think these are the lines that become the building blocks for our poetry.

I know people have mentioned cliches. I think I'd express it this way. Think of cliches (now I'm really dating myself) as the old mix tapes people used to make for one another before cds. They start out sounding good but a cliche is like making a copy of the copy, and then making a copy from the next copy...and on and on. They steal the power from the words. They're mostly something to avoid for that reason. What you're looking for is fresh original language.

More than cliches though what I think you're actually dealing with is abstractions. When you say it hurts like hell that's a cliche, but when you say this pain of mine that's an abstraction. It's not that you should never use abstractions it's just if you don't ground them with imagery (I'll explain) they are too vague--again causing the writing to lack power.

So for example when you say, "this pain of mine" think about an image that can express the pain. What pictures can you use to show the reader the intensity and type of pain.

Bill was in a rage (abstraction)

Bill drove his fists through the drywall until his hands were a mixture of plaster and blood (concrete image)

I would encourage you to look for ways to show us more of what's going on rather than just telling us about an abstract pain or emotion.

The days pass, nights as well
I'm hopeless and it hurts like hell
I wish it'd stop, this pain of mine
So the sun once more, on my soul shall shine.--again can you feel where the line sort of clunks. It's too long to accommodate the rhythm. This is a longer discussion on meter

It's hard to think, it's hard to know
What I should do, for I love you so
The more I try, the more I hurt--you sort of fix the abstraction of hurt here with the next line (more of this in the poem). By the way, I like the idea of this line. It may actually be the basis for a rewrite around this idea more fully.. It's a true to life fact of relationships. I liked it.
My knees so weak, I hit the dirt.

The darkness scatters my thoughts away--another place where you could put imagery. My thoughts scatter like a flock of crows (which gives a sense of darkness but is more visual...just showing you that you're already hinting at the imagery just need to go a little bit further)


As I open my eyes I look around
I see a shadow, I hear a sound--sound is vague. Again go for specificity when possible


I'll stand my ground, I will not run
As my end approaches, my soul undone
I mumble a prayer, not two but one
That you should be my midnight sun.--these last four lines aren't bad. They read pretty well.

I think you could develop this. I hope the comments will be helpful to you. Let me know if anything was unclear.

Again, welcome to the site.

Todd

[billy]

First off i'd like to address some remarks left on your poem and this is on topic so i'm hoping the mods will let it stand;

I find much of the preceding feedback to be too advanced for someone just starting out and writing in a foreign language.

in the serious critique forum the poem stands and falls by itself, nationality, experience, nor sex plays any part in how the given critique is tempered. of course an individual may see fit to give a little leeway, any more than that defeats the object of this forum.

For the record, the concept of cliché is the biggest cliché on this website .

when you as the poet (Cosminescu) see remarks such as this, you should google what a cliche is and before deciding to use any feedback given. another point to remember is this; when 4 or 5 people tell you something doesn't work, and one person tells you it's fine, one of them is wrong

As a beginner, I think it's good to start with a simple subject which is common and cliché.

would you trust someone who told you to crash the car when you were taking driving lessons, or would you trust the person who wanted to teach you how to avoid accidents in the first place?

---

hi Cosminescu great to see you posting your poetry, it can't be easy when english is your second language. please see the above writing, we do have a novice and mild crit forum where the feedback isn't so in depth

Greetings and Merry Christmas! This be my first time on this forum. Reason why I joined is rather simple. When I was a kid I used to write poems, and later in life at school I was told to have an interesting imagination. I've never really cared much of what was said but finally few days ago I decided to give it another go. Last time I sat down to read poems was when I was 10-11ish. I am not an active reader/writer so please criticize my poems in an understandable way for me due to my lack of knowledge/skill. Also keep in mind that English is not my native language. I've learned it from school, tv and the internet. Here goes!

Midnight Sun

It's dark, It's cold, forever more
I'm sitting here, looking at the door
I wonder when, I wonder how
My heart in sorrow as I sit right now. cliche, try and make it original. is the 3rd line needed? is 'forever more' needed?

Memories glance upon my eyes
Tormenting my soul with many lies
They trick me with their sweet disguise
My mind is taken, in despair it lies. this stanza is very wordy, try and give the reader an image or two. (memories waltz inside my eyes)

The days pass, nights as well
I'm hopeless and it hurts like hell
I wish it'd stop, this pain of mine
So the sun once more, on my soul shall shine. the 1st three lines are very cliche, the 4th is cliche and the syntax is slightly off, (so on my soul the sun would shine)

It's hard to think, it's hard to know
What I should do, for I love you so
The more I try, the more I hurt
My knees so weak, I hit the dirt. again, you carry the verse on the back of cliche which ultimately weakens it.

The darkness scatters my thoughts away
I kneel and close my eyes to pray
That your smile will find its way
And turn this gruesome darkness into day.

As I open my eyes I look around
I see a shadow, I hear a sound
In despair my mind is drowned
I close my eyes and turn around.

I'll stand my ground, I will not run
As my end approaches, my soul undone
I mumble a prayer, not two but one
That you should be my midnight sun.

i've stopped with my feedback in the body of the poem, because the critique is much of a sameness. in general the wording is very weak. there are lots of intangible worlds like pain, love, despair, and more. there are lots or excess words which i think are down to the language being your second, but a large problem non the less. the biggest problem are the clichés. the poem has an abundance of them. i'd suggest editing the poem 1 or 2 verse at a time and try to make it original. by all means listen to those who tell you it's okay to start out writing cliche, if all you want to do it write clichéd poetry, on the other hand if you do wish to improve, you need to address the cliche problem that the poem and i suspect the poetry in general has.

i'd also suggest posting in a novice for a while where the feedback is a lot less daunting

thanks for the read.

[Rose Love]

before deciding to use any feedback given. another point to remember is this; when 4 or 5 people tell you something doesn't work, and one person tells you it's fine, one of them is wrong

Indeed, and the world is flat

I didn't say it works, I said it's too soon for the person to begin thinking about that aspect of writing.

As a beginner, I think it's good to start with a simple subject which is common and cliché.

would you trust someone who told you to crash the car when you were taking driving lessons, or would you trust the person who wanted to teach you how to avoid accidents in the first place?

This is a totally inaccurate metaphor. All teachers know that you never throw all of the information at a student at once. You don't tell the student how to avoid a crash before he even knows how to steer or knows the brake pedal from the accelerator.

I didn't realize that agreeing with everyone else's methods and feedback was a prerequisite on this site.