Burn With Me

[Stormageddon]

Okay I don't write poetry a lot so just prepare yourself it's pretty rough. I know the words and flow won't be right, I just hope to convey the overall vibe of this human's condition.


I could love you, I don't but I could

and not "Oh, that top looks lovely on you" love.

But, love.

Deep, unending, burning, love that hurts when we're not together, love that burns, burns with ecstasy when my legs are wrapped around your naked waist, the hard puff of your breath against my neck, your kisses hot against my flaming skin, hot-hot-hot pulsing, throbbing, burning, twisting, changing love

Love that burns with lust, like gasoline added to a fire, even when we're old and wrinkly and no one wants to see that shit, love and lust.

Lust, lust, and laughing because I think you're brilliant and I'm unlike any girl you've met. I'm silly and dark and deep and mysterious and loud. Loud when we fight, and loud when we make up...

Do you see it? I can see me walking around our flat, swaddled in a sheet, hobbled, each step a little painful from too much sex.

A little painful step each time I have to walk away from you and this could be love.

Hurt, hurt, hurt the kind of hurt from someone too good for you passing by, not noticing you.

Hurt that doesn't stab or throb, dull aching, burning hurt.

Hurt that aches in your bones and throbs in your heart and maybe a little somewhere else secret and unspoken.

I could love you, I don't but I could. I could hold you and never wish for anything more. I could hold you.

I could sing you love songs, I do. You don't know and that sounds creepy. It's innocent.

I wishful makeup hoping that you'll see me. Not notice me, but see me, see my love, my burning love, you could burn with me, burn with me.

Burn with me for just a little while. You'll be hooked. I'll be your drug, your drug of life and music. Let me be your muse.

You could love me, you don't but you could. Burning love, deep, unending, aching

Ache, ache, can you feel my ache? My longing?

I could love you, I don't but I could and oh, wouldn't just I be worth it?

[billy]

Hi MK perhaps start out in mild or novice feedback to start with as the feedback can be fairly harsh in this one, harsh but honest.

Okay I don't write poetry a lot so just prepare yourself it's pretty rough. I know the words and flow won't be right, I just hope to convey the overall vibe of this human's condition.


I could love you, I don't but I could

and not "Oh, that top looks lovely on you" love.

But, love. 3 loves in 3 lines is two 2 many

Deep, unending, burning, love that hurts when we're not together, love that burns, burns with ecstasy when my legs are wrapped around your naked waist, the hard puff of your breath against my neck, your kisses hot against my flaming skin, hot-hot-hot pulsing, throbbing, burning, twisting, changing love most of this stanza is cliche in that many love/sex poetry say the same or similar things in the same or similar way. some of the lines feel too long, they need to be cut back or broken down to shorter lines.

Love that burns with lust, like gasoline added to a fire, even when we're old and wrinkly and no one wants to see that shit, love and lust.

Lust, lust, and laughing because I think you're brilliant and I'm unlike any girl you've met. I'm silly and dark and deep and mysterious and loud. Loud when we fight, and loud when we make up... this stanza is okay, though the 2 lusts feel to much, also a bit wordy

Do you see it? I can see me walking around our flat, swaddled in a sheet, hobbled, each step a little painful from too much sex. this is a half decent line though again it feels wordy.

A little painful step each time I have to walk away from you and this could be love.

Hurt, hurt, hurt the kind of hurt from someone too good for you passing by, not noticing you.

Hurt that doesn't stab or throb, dull aching, burning hurt.

Hurt that aches in your bones and throbs in your heart and maybe a little somewhere else secret and unspoken. all that hurt is to many hurts

I could love you, I don't but I could. I could hold you and never wish for anything more. I could hold you.

I could sing you love songs, I do. You don't know and that sounds creepy. It's innocent.

I wishful makeup hoping that you'll see me. Not notice me, but see me, see my love, my burning love, you could burn with me, burn with me.

Burn with me for just a little while. You'll be hooked. I'll be your drug, your drug of life and music. Let me be your muse.

You could love me, you don't but you could. Burning love, deep, unending, aching

Ache, ache, can you feel my ache? My longing?

I could love you, I don't but I could and oh, wouldn't just I be worth it?

you could cut a third or even 2 thirds away and still it may be too cliche heavy. i marked a line that felt more original. that's the quality you should aim for or higher. to many hurts and love etc. these are powerful words whose overuse weakens them ache ache ache. the repetition in this instance weakens the rest of the write. there's a poem in here but you need to undress it so we can see it's body

good effort

[Pete Ak]

It's been said so many times even my critique is a cliche... love has been felt and described a billion times so writers of 'love poems' really do have to find unique - truly unique ways/forms/metaphors/narratives etc. What this piece offers is earnestness; ardent and pushy! There is a poem in there but to find it I think your enthusiasm will need restraining and your writing head screwed on real tight so that none of your passion leaks out but is guided toward constructing the poem carefully.

[tectak]

Okay I don't write poetry a lot so just prepare yourself it's pretty rough. I know the words and flow won't be right, I just hope to convey the overall vibe of this human's condition.


I could love you, I don't but I could

and not "Oh, that top looks lovely on you" love.

But, love.

Deep, unending, burning, love that hurts when we're not together, love that burns, burns with ecstasy when my legs are wrapped around your naked waist, the hard puff of your breath against my neck, your kisses hot against my flaming skin, hot-hot-hot pulsing, throbbing, burning, twisting, changing love

Love that burns with lust, like gasoline added to a fire, even when we're old and wrinkly and no one wants to see that shit, love and lust.

Lust, lust, and laughing because I think you're brilliant and I'm unlike any girl you've met. I'm silly and dark and deep and mysterious and loud. Loud when we fight, and loud when we make up...

Do you see it? I can see me walking around our flat, swaddled in a sheet, hobbled, each step a little painful from too much sex.

A little painful step each time I have to walk away from you and this could be love.

Hurt, hurt, hurt the kind of hurt from someone too good for you passing by, not noticing you.

Hurt that doesn't stab or throb, dull aching, burning hurt.

Hurt that aches in your bones and throbs in your heart and maybe a little somewhere else secret and unspoken.

I could love you, I don't but I could. I could hold you and never wish for anything more. I could hold you.

I could sing you love songs, I do. You don't know and that sounds creepy. It's innocent.

I wishful makeup hoping that you'll see me. Not notice me, but see me, see my love, my burning love, you could burn with me, burn with me.

Burn with me for just a little while. You'll be hooked. I'll be your drug, your drug of life and music. Let me be your muse.

Yu could love me, you don't but you could. Burning love, dee I p, unending, aching

Ache, ache, can you feel my ache? My longing?

I could love you, I don't but I could and oh, wouldn't just I be worth it?

.

Burst verse. You just couldn't help it. If you feel this coming on again just sit down if you can ( usually sitting down is the problem after too much sex. and think about wether you want to write or you want to write poetry. If you just want to write then write but don't post it here. If you want to write poetry then be prepared for help.
This piece suffers mostly from lack of originality. I don't know your age but nor can I tell it from the piece. This is problematic but only because I am unsure that allowances should be made. We don't get to know the character from the piece because the pressure to get down the words irresistable. You have something to say but not transmit and I think you could make a much better job of it by shortening the piece and going for originality. I wish you every success in your sex life and your poetry.......but believe you can improve your poetry.
Best,
tectak

[Stormageddon]

Thank you all very much for your input. I appreciate it very much and I have benefited from your honesty. I'll work on cutting it down and take out the over usage of the specified words. Again, thank you so very much.