Dreaming of a Ghost

[ezekrialase]

We, together, chose this ending.
How could it be otherwise?

You told me once one glorious night
as I sat silently beside you, content to
breathe you and the moment in,

with memories of that setting sun
still burning brightly in our minds,

that you wanted your life to end in fire
an inferno hot enough to erase the past
and everything that you’d seen.

Then I gazed up at the moon
shining palely down upon us,

I said I’d rather end my life in water
a slow drowning deep in the ocean’s depths
so I could rewatch every second I had of you
before drifting off to an eternity of emptiness.

After a long, drawn out moment
you turned to me and whispered softly
with longing shining in your eyes

that maybe we could go as one
and if we timed it right
our souls would meld and we’d stay together
floating forever in an endless embrace.

Gently, I found your hand,
and even quieter than the wind
said that if I could relive any moment,
spend forever in any instant,

I’d want to be enveloped in this evening
sitting silently next to you
remembering the sun’s fading glow
and whispering softly in the night.

[billy]

a very sweet and sad poem. the problem i have with it as a reader is, it feels too wordy.

we together....is we, we chose....
you told me once...is you, you told me one glor....
and even.... is and quieter...
floating forever in an endless...is floating, floating in and endless embr...

remove words that say the same thing make what you write count.
there are a lot more. the poem will still read pretty and sad but will be more to the point. words like and and like and but and may and once and those and that etc, are the usual culprits.

good effort.

[arbil_poieo]

Welcome!
My interpretation was that two people want to kill themselves, the girl wants to because of her past and the guy wants to for her...to be with her forever.

I think you've captured the feelings really well, while still keeping the reader interested to want to know what's going to happen next as the narrator lays out this story.

There are some lines that are cliches such has line 6 and 7 and reusing "forever" while that's a nice thought, it doesn't do much for the reader. Some lines say pretty much the same thing, like the last 2 stanzas I don't think they're necessary.

I think the 6th stanza is your strongest because it's original and it says so much with so little. It shows the reader the love instead of telling with cliches.

This is very promising.