Riddle

[davidbenjamindix]

post deleted

[Todd]

Hi, hey a couple quick comments:

Probably no title for a riddle, unless the title is "A Riddle". Riddles work with more simple language. The lines probably should be a bit shorter. People want to read a quicker line and place one piece of the puzzle in their mind and move through it step by step:

Collected by thousands over long distances,--so this line size would probably work. It's one point per line for a riddle I'm thinking
treasured and cherished by all,--by all makes this line suspect. Air for breathing is treasured and cherished by all beyond that this makes it seem to universal. I'd probably cut this phrase
drooled on and slave to thousands more.--Starting the line with slave may make the riddle have more parallel structure
Fit for royalty, becoming chameleon through the seasons.--these two phrases don't seem connected and probably shouldn't share a line
forced to transform in a prison cell, held under protection yet trampled upon.--not sure about this line at all
Healer of wounds but triggering a fishhook of pain,--simple language when possible could you substitute with for but triggering a?
exposed to hives while lingering in the dark and the deep,--hives is a bit of a dead giveaway if you could make it seem like hives on the body without actually saying that's what it is...so that when the reader looks back they think oh, I thought he meant the other hives...misdirection
fear the ghost with the steel face that hides in light; dread the horror Borborygmus.--again probably trying to do to much with this on one line
Subjected to the power of the black hole, emancipation merely exchanges one cage for another,--not sure what this line adds...I still think you're trying to do to much, and that it's too complicated for an effective riddle
left imprisoned behind distorted sand, only to be sold into slavery again.


This could develop into something nice. I'd again stress simple words and short lines. Make it more mysterious.

Hope that helps some.

Best,

Todd

Oh, try leaving some feedback in other people's threads. What you liked, what you didn't like, and why. It keeps a workshop strong.

[davidbenjamindix]

Thanks Todd, I really like your input. I'll work on it more.

[billy]

just a general bit of feedback. riddle poems are okay and lot's of people enjoy them. the nest ones use a rhythm/meter and they often feel sing songy. my first is in.... but not in.... this riddle feels forced and because of that, it holds the reader in less of a grip. and example would be;

Collected by thousands over long distances, treasured and cherished by all,

Collected and cherished for all.

at present the lines in general don't catch the reader and pull them into the hive or the poem. in a way it's the difference between being beaten to death and enticed onto rocks with a beautiful voice. the poem is lacking the voice. make it sing to the reader and you'll see song.

all that said, a good effort. all first poems are good efforts. i think this is a definite stepping stone
thanks for the read.

This is my first poem, and it is a riddle to a mechanical locking device I designed on a blanket chest (I'm a woodworker). The answer is at the bottom if you can't figure it out.


Collected by thousands over long distances, treasured and cherished by all,
drooled on and slave to thousands more.
Fit for royalty, becoming chameleon through the seasons.
forced to transform in a prison cell, held under protection yet trampled upon.
Healer of wounds but triggering a fishhook of pain,
exposed to hives while lingering in the dark and the deep,
fear the ghost with the steel face that hides in light; dread the horror Borborygmus.
Subjected to the power of the black hole, emancipation merely exchanges one cage for another,
left imprisoned behind distorted sand, only to be sold into slavery again.
















Honey

[cidermaid]

Hi,
just adding my voice of encouragment. Not really got anything to add beyond what Todd and Billy have said. I agree with Billy in particular that for me this would work a lot better if the lines were shorter and more ryhthmical and sing songy.
But nice to see your first effort and it shows that you have plenty of ideas that can be developed that will make you an interesting poet and writer. Well done on this.

(Also if this is the poem you are planning to engrave on your box....possibly gona need a bigger box!)

[tectak]

This is my first poem, and it is a riddle to a mechanical locking device I designed on a blanket chest (I'm a woodworker). The answer is at the bottom if you can't figure it out.


Collected by thousands over long distances, treasured and cherished by all,
drooled on and slave to thousands more.
Fit for royalty, becoming chameleon through the seasons.
forced to transform in a prison cell, held under protection yet trampled upon.
Healer of wounds but triggering a fishhook of pain,
exposed to hives while lingering in the dark and the deep,
fear the ghost with the steel face that hides in light; dread the horror Borborygmus.
Subjected to the power of the black hole, emancipation merely exchanges one cage for another,
left imprisoned behind distorted sand, only to be sold into slavery again.

Hi David,
Though you picked a great method of expounding disconnected thoughts this form is not easily assimilated into the various genres which masquerade as serious poetry....any more than what you might find in a Chrismas Cracker. That is NOT to say that you failed to make the best of it but in this piece we are diving in to the "My first is in bottle but not in cork, my second in sparrow but not in stork....." area, and that is not good.
Gratuitous words like "Borborygmus" appear in poetry almost like fashion....this one is strangely popular at the moment and will remain so during the Christmas Feasting
I confess I am lost that the answer to a mechanical locking device should be honey....but hope and believe that it makes sense "in situ" so to speak.
I would venture that you do not need an excuse to write poetry (the riddle is a riddle is a riddle) so do not be concerned by the critics, including me, who may pounce on isolated efforts......just write another.
Best,
tectak
















Honey