Warriors for Jesus

[heslopian]

"Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price." - 1 Corinthians 6:19-20

As a child I wanted to be a warrior for Jesus.
My church gave us pamphlets on the covers of which
a boy and girl, each smiling, crossed swords,
light emerging from their tips
like that which dawned on Eden once.
But I looked at those swords and my veil of love
was stirred by darker thoughts.

"What were swords designed to do?"
Relieve men of their guts.
"What does a warrior preach?"
Submission by the blade,
violence, hatred and death,
young men slaughtered at the Somme.

With Jesus' heart I'd stride through the desert
murdering pagans and Jews, the light of Eden in my sword.
I said it was just a metaphor, but symbols are passionless.
I couldn't feel the Holy Ghost moving in me;
my young heart was queer, my temple empty.

[billy]

"Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price." - 1 Corinthians 6:19-20

As a child I wanted to be a warrior for Jesus.
My church gave us pamphlets on the covers of which
a boy and girl, each smiling, crossed swords,
light emerging from their tips
like that which dawned on Eden once.
But I looked at those swords and my veil of love
was stirred by darker thoughts.

"What were swords designed to do?"
Relieve men of their guts.
"What does a warrior preach?"
Submission by the blade,
violence, hatred and death,
young men slaughtered at the Somme,
families shot in Iraq.

With Jesus' heart I'd stride through the desert
murdering pagans and Jews, the light of Eden in my sword. i love this line and the one above.
I said it was just a metaphor, but symbols are passionless.
I couldn't feel the Holy Ghost moving in me;
my young heart was queer, my temple empty. i so want to make some funny remark at these last two lines but i refuse to.

not a sad poem though the last three lines were by themselves sad. as though the 1st person felt deprived of god's calling. i often suggest cutting back poems because they're too wordy. this is one of those narrative poems that need to be wordy. i change my mind, it's almost heartbreaking.
it's very hard for me to imagine the suffering, pain or feeling of others. this poem puts something into words, a feeling of rejection maybe, and it's pretty strong. the more i read it, the more i see. no nits to speak of.

thanks for the read

[heslopian]

Thank you for your very kind feedback, Bilbo The last line was originally posted with "weird" in place of "queer", after I decided that "queer" could cause giggles But I was persuaded at DU that "queer" was more effective.

[billy]

yeah, queer is more profound

[Todd]

Hi Jack,

This is pretty strong. I think you might be missing some opportunities though. Comments below:

"Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price." - 1 Corinthians 6:19-20--while I see this verse working with the last few lines of the poem. Ephesians 6 may be better with its talk of putting on the whole armor of God

As a child I wanted to be a warrior for Jesus.
My church gave us pamphlets on the covers of which
a boy and girl, each smiling, crossed swords,
light emerging from their tips--very nice set up
like that which dawned on Eden once.--beautiful line referring to the light of creation. The opportunity I want you to think about is when you return to the image later in the poem
But I looked at those swords and my veil of love
was stirred by darker thoughts. --maybe sliced instead

"What were swords designed to do?"
Relieve men of their guts.
"What does a warrior preach?"
Submission by the blade,--great line
violence, hatred and death,
young men slaughtered at the Somme,
families shot in Iraq.--this feels too recent for a young child's memory though you are younger than me. Either way slaughtered above works because its vague...shot doesn't imply sword and sort of gets away from the tension you're describing

With Jesus' heart I'd stride through the desert
murdering pagans and Jews, the light of Eden in my sword.--good first few lines. Here's my thought. When they were expelled from paradise there was a fiery (lighted) sword placed there to stop their return. Since you're already working with that allusion it would seem a shame to waste it. Just wanted to bring the option up.
I said it was just a metaphor, but symbols are passionless.
I couldn't feel the Holy Ghost moving in me;
my young heart was queer, my temple empty.--the last three lines are the strongest and a great close.

Enjoyed the read Jack.

Best,

Todd

[heslopian]

Thank you for your great feedback, Todd! With the "veil of love" line I wanted to imply something gentle, like a breeze stirring curtains. The original word was "pierced".
I hadn't actually considered the date problem with the Iraq war, but yes, it did start after this poem is set, so I'll remove that line. I also like your idea about the fiery sword. I may see if I can add a few lines to explore that. Thanks again

[davidbenjamindix]

Wow! Good work. It makes me think at the end they were confused by truth. This refers me to Ephesians 6:10-17, where everything I am given by God is used for defense. The only offensive weapon He gives me is the sword of the Spirit, the Word of God. That's why they couldn't feel the Holy Spirit, because they were acting on their own account, rather than understanding God's will for them. These are just my thoughts, and I'm quite new to poetry. So if my comments are rubbish, I wouldn't be offended if told so.

[heslopian]

No comment is rubbish if it's a genuine, unbiased opinion. Thank you, davidbenjamindix

[benthejack]

Great poem Heslopian.
I didn't find this sad really, seemed to me more of a kid's wise realisation of the fallacy of anger and spite in the name of a loving god. (although I guess everyone picks exactly what they want to see out of what they read )

"Submission by the blade" I loved this.

Also the choice of queer was perfect, the contentious nature of the word really punctuates the rest of the story.

I actually don't have any negative critique (although I did look close!), it was a beautiful poem

[heslopian]

Everyone's entitled to their own interpretation. Thank you for your kind feedback, benthejack

[tectak]

"Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price." - 1 Corinthians 6:19-20

As a child I wanted to be a warrior for Jesus.
My church gave us pamphlets on the covers of which
a boy and girl, each smiling, crossed swords,
light emerging from their tips
like that which dawned on Eden once.
But I looked at those swords and my veil of love
was stirred by darker thoughts.

"What were swords designed to do?"
Relieve men of their guts.
"What does a warrior preach?"
Submission by the blade,
violence, hatred and death,
young men slaughtered at the Somme.

With Jesus' heart I'd stride through the desert
murdering pagans and Jews, the light of Eden in my sword.
I said it was just a metaphor, but symbols are passionless.
I couldn't feel the Holy Ghost moving in me;
my young heart was queer, my temple empty.

Hi Jack,
I am in with Todd on this one. I have a few gripes of my own but needed to be tempted by the opinions of others before I decided to post. My main problem is that this sets out with commitment. By definition commitment verse does that BUT never lets up until the big finale when all is made manifestly clear. In the body of the piece there are many excellent condensates of thought. The reader can tell that this is not slap-dash or frothy. In a way, the piece is too good a read NOT to have a better ending......and it is when the end came that I found myself left hanging on your rope. The "profundity" of "queer" rather than another word irritates me. If profound (not your word but Billy's) means deeply thought provoking then I must take issue.....I think it is just plain wrong. The word lacks finality of meaning and this leaves the last line in suspension. After the admitted passion of the heart in unbridled imagined conquests there is little wonder that ...well....only a suggestion:
" for my young heart was as full as my temple was empty."
Best,
tectak

[heslopian]

Thank you for your feedback, tectak. Your suggested line doesn't really convey what I want to. The narrator's heart, like the temple, wasn't full but empty. The imagined desert slaughters affront his reason and empathy, meaning that, though he wants to buy into the pamphlet's philosophy, he finds that he can't. Your comment has given me a lot to think about in terms of how I can more directly convey what I mean, so thank you again.