The onset of winter

[Jae Mc Donnell]

new edit

She stood, beautiful; against the cold dead grey
His presence looming closer
His bitter expanse surrounded her
Setting hope into silhouette
I told you, did I not?
His venomous lips spat
Frost bitten hands gripped her throat
I am your great castigator
A malignant instrument
Not even heaven can turn my chiding eye
I swear it
You will die
She stood defiant
Her hope seemed viscous
His grip intensified
As we watched, silent, to the death of a flower

Edit something
The onset of winter or The death of a flower
____________________________________________
Her survival, slender against the cold dead grey
His vast bitterness surrounded her
Setting hope into silhouette
I told you did I not?
His venomous lips spat
Frost bitten hands gripped her throat
I am your great castigator
A malignant instrument
Not even heaven can turn my chiding eye
I swear it
You will die
Her stance defiant
His grasp murderous
Her hope viscous
His grip intensifies
The sentence
Death
Just seconds
Silence.......

Old edit

Her slender figure stood beautiful against the cold dead grey
His vast presence loomed ever closer
She knew him
His other side so kind
Now a villain set to one end
He besieged her
Casting hope into silhouette
I told you did I not
His venomous lips spat
Frost bitten hands gripped her throat
I am your great castigator
A malignant instrument set from on high
Not even heaven can turn my chiding eye
I swear it now you will die
His murderous grasp tightened
Defiant she stood
Her hope seemed viscous
Even as his hold intensified
Draining air from life giving lungs
Knowing after death would come life
With elegant grace she gave up the fight
And the world watched on in silence to the death of a flower

[Philatone]

hello Jae!


I am probably mistaken for this, but when I read this, it felt like the piece was trying to be a bit too cinematic. while some of the images really work well for it (the opening, the grip over the throat), overall I think the effect can take the poem in a direction it may not need to go.

My last main comment revolves around the last line. I don't know if this will help you or if you will agree, but when a last line has a distinctive form or structure (unlike most or all of what preceded it), that may be a sign that the idea does not fit. It can be a last wish of a writer to squeeze it in, no matter what, often from desire to make it work. Maybe this is not the case here, but that is what it strikes me, since no other line in the piece matches its length, distance, or subject.


here were my specific thoughts

Her slender figure stood beautiful against the cold dead grey
His vast presence loomed ever closer...not convinced that "ever" is needed"
She knew him....but how does the reader know this?
His other side so kind
Now a villain set to one end
He besieged her
Casting hope into silhouette...enjoy the idea, but am not sure if I can completely understand it. that may not be bad
I told you did I not
His venomous lips spat
Frost bitten hands gripped her throat....I like the repetition of cold imagery with "frost bitten"
I am your great castigator
A malignant instrument set from on high
Not even heaven can turn my chiding eye
I swear it now you will die...the rhymes were interesting for me; it reminds me of religious texts where holy beings speak in rhyme, and subverts it in a way. some meter could make the parallel more drastic
His murderous grasp tightened ....felt a bit redundant. something like "his grasp murderous" could be more refreshing
Defiant she stood
Her hope seemed viscous
Even as his hold intensified
Draining air from life giving lungs...the "life giving" felt a bit too dramatic to me. "draining air" paired with "lungs" already gave me a nice parallel
Knowing after death would come life...maybe cut this line or introduce more of it into the poem?
With elegant grace she gave up the fight...these actions occur, but the details for them are missing. it can read quickly and with the distance of a report, which is not fitting for the scene
And the world watched on in silence to the death of a flower

it's an interesting scene with promise that isn't quite met yet. I hope some of this may help

[Jae Mc Donnell]

[quote='Philatone' I hope some of this may help
[/quote]
Thank you for your time Philatone. Yes it did help very much I am going to take it in and give some time to this over the weekend and hopefully get an update up next week.

[billy]

Hi jae, it wasn't fighting, i was asked to keep feedback to the poem. and rightly so

Her slender figure stood beautiful against the cold dead grey
His vast presence loomed ever closer
She knew him
His other side so kind
Now a villain set to one end
He besieged her
Casting hope into silhouette
I told you did I not
His venomous lips spat
Frost bitten hands gripped her throat
I am your great castigator
A malignant instrument set from on high
Not even heaven can turn my chiding eye
I swear it now you will die
His murderous grasp tightened
Defiant she stood
Her hope seemed viscous
Even as his hold intensified
Draining air from life giving lungs
Knowing after death would come life
With elegant grace she gave up the fight
And the world watched on in silence to the death of a flower

it reverted to the original wordiness and then got a little bit wordier.
it doesn't compare to the version below which is much better, it could still be polished a bit more but for me it's the right direction to go.

The onset of winter

Her beauty, pale against the cold dead grey
His bitter expanse surrounded her
Setting hope in silhouette
I told you did I not
His venomous lips spit as he spoke
With frost bitten hands he gripped at her throat
I am your great castigator
A malignant instrument
Not even heaven can turn my chiding eye
I swear it now you will die
Slender, her beauty stood poised
Her hope seemed viscous
His grip tightened
Just seconds now
And the world watched on in silence to the death of a flower

[Jae Mc Donnell]

[quote='billy' pid='108538' dateline='1355471083']
Hi jae, it wasn't fighting, i was asked to keep feedback to the poem. and rightly so

That's cool mate. I was only taking the piss all the same. Just really wanted to use the smilies

I added an update to the poem at the top. I have to say it is more towards what I originally want to so thanks for the help. It will help with any new stuff.

[aaron]

I reallllly love the last line. i mean the one that says And the world watched on in silence to the death of a flower. it really brings everything together for me and you shouldnt change that thank you for this awesome poem.

[Todd]

One thing Jae, As I read this I want to be surprised by the last line. I don't want to think the poem is talking about a flower until the very end. I liked that the first time I read the poem. So, I would not title it the death of a flower as that is the reveal.

In fact looking back at earlier edits, I would consider ending on a shortened version of the line:

at the death of a flower

One thing the newest edit does well is it eliminates lines that robed the death of a flower with tension: "knowing after death there would be life". That was a good cut.

Just thoughts

[cidermaid]

Hi jae,
I've lost track of which edit is which...but this is the one I like best.
I have been following all the posts and for me I kind of don't agree with the suggestions about taking out all of the wordy ness. For me the slightly longer form echoes the way that the frost creeps in from the mid afternoon as the light begins to fade and then in the dark watches of the night really tightens the grip so that by morning everything is dead or at least feeling proper poorly! I feel that this version below captures that slightly dark and sinister aspect.
(Also it's has a sort of nightie trotting aspect to it for me...what is it with all these dismal bints, that exactly when it is darkest and the storm is at it's height they all set off into the unknown only dressed in their nighties!).
Although having said I like some of the wordiness I do agree with Todd about the last line and def think it should be kept out of the title as well.
Have really enjoyed your read and following the edits and comments. Great stuff thanks for sharing. AJ
(I like using the smiles as well )


The onset of winter

Her beauty, pale against the cold dead grey
His bitter expanse surrounded her
Setting hope in silhouette
I told you did I not
His venomous lips spit as he spoke
With frost bitten hands he gripped at her throat
I am your great castigator
A malignant instrument
Not even heaven can turn my chiding eye
I swear it now you will die
Slender, her beauty stood poised
Her hope seemed viscous
His grip tightened
Just seconds now
And the world watched on in silence to the death of a flower

[Jae Mc Donnell]

Death of a flower, death of me more like

I'm sure most of you are thinking, 'for feck sake, would you ever get this right before we have to put you down'. Well please don't be so mean. Just kindin.

Thank you AJ for the help and the kind words. I have posted a new edit up top. Oh and yes the smiles are tops. its a fart process. Yeup. very immature.

Todd I agree. I think it's just because I'm so new to poetry I'm a bit unsure of what works, so I'm not being confident with what I was trying for. But of course this is my own fault, I will get there. And thanks again for the help.

aaron thank you for the kind words. I have changed that line back and I hope this edit works better.

[Todd]

Jae, I've tinkered with certain poems for 15 years. I've posted things here that looked right but as soon as the first comments came in I realized HOW COULD I HAVE MISSED THAT...don't worry about the process. It's hell for each of us and we all deal with it. Fix in your mind what you want to poem to accomplish...shrug off advice that doesn't get you there. Use what works.

So, no we're probably not thinking for feck sake...or any alternative four letter words.