Bath by candle light

[Keith]

Final edit thanks to Billy Addy n penguin

The lights have gone, the house is out,
the power heard the miners shout.
Police shields and barricades,
black lungs, spit early graves.

Maggi cries, close them down,
there's nothing left, in this town.
Gritted teeth, jab scab hate,
wrists chained to pitless gates.

Wiper blades, smearing eggs,
police hats, Yorkshire heads.
Jaded faces turn in shame,
dark dust eyes, cry the same.

Plastic buckets, coins and coughs,
hard men and mines, simply lost.
Dole queue days, depressions creep,
veins are rich but coal is cheap.





1st attempt
The lights have gone the house is out,
the power heard the miners shout.
Police shields and barricades,
black lungs and early graves

Maggi cry’s close them down,
nothing left in this town.
Scab, scab, scab, hate, hate, hate,
mouths to feed, no food on plate.

Wiper blades, smearing eggs,
police hats, Yorkshire men’s heads
Terrified faces turn in shame,
dark dust eyes cry the same.

Industry giants now fast asleep,
veins are rich but coal is cheap.
Banners and Placards, meanings lost.
A warehouse for Europe, fuck the cost.

[billy]

i remember these times.

The lights have gone the house is out, i like the image of this and how it imbues the house with life
the power heard the miners shout.
Police shields and barricades,
black lungs and early graves, i think this is an excellent opening stanza

Maggi cry’s close them down, should it be cries or maggi's cry?
nothing left in this town. i suggest add 'there's' to the beginning, of course it could be my rhythm that's not playing ball
Scab, scab, scab, hate, hate, hate,
mouths to feed, no food on plate.

Wiper blades, smearing eggs,
police hats, Yorkshire men’s heads
Terrified faces turn in shame,
dark dust eyes cry the same.

Industry giants now fast asleep,
veins are rich but coal is cheap.
Banners and Placards, meanings lost.
A warehouse for Europe, fuck the cost.

a solid poem of the miners strikes in 84, i liked the earthiness of it and i think it captures and image of what was happening at the time. the last stanza felt a little forced and i think i'd have liked to see it end in the same vein ( if you'll excuse the pun) as the rest of the coal miners plight as was used in t' firsth three verses.

thanks for the enjoyable read , lots to like in it.

[addy]

You captured a lot of iconic imagery. An effective piece.

The lights have gone the house is out, neat play on "the power's out"
the power heard the miners shout.
Police shields and barricades,
black lungs and early graves

Maggi cry’s cries close them down,
nothing left in this town.
Scab, scab, scab, hate, hate, hate,
mouths to feed, no food on plate.

Wiper blades, smearing eggs,
police hats, Yorkshire men’s heads
Terrified faces turn in shame,
dark dust eyes cry the same. I thought this stanza was very evocative

Industry giants now fast asleep, "industry giants" sounds like an awfully official term (not to mention highly subjective, based on the circumstance). I'd personally choose another turn of phrase, but that's just me
veins are rich but coal is cheap. I really like this line
Banners and Placards, meanings lost.
A warehouse for Europe, fuck the cost.

[Keith]

Billy, Addy ( wasnt he one of the goodies)thanks for your comments I will use them in an edit.TOMH

[billy]

i get it but addy never heard of that bird watching smegghead

[penguin]

Nice title. The punctuation needs some attention, I think, more commas than are needed.

The lights have gone the house is out, - good opening line
the power heard the miners shout.
Police shields and barricades,
black lungs, spit early graves. - I'd lose the comma

Maggi cries close them down, - I reckon "hollers" would fit better than cries.
there's nothing left in this town.
Gritted teeth jab, scab and hate, - I'd lose the comma after jab
violence spills, pitless gates. - violence is a bit bland

Wiper blades, smearing eggs,
police hats, Yorkshire men’s heads - Yorkie's heads?
Terrified faces turn in shame, - Terrified is too long a word. Maybe stricken
dark dust eyes cry the same.

Plastic buckets coins and coughs,
hard men and mines, simply lost.
Dole queue days, depressions creep,
veins are rich but coal is cheap.

[Keith]

Thanks to all for the help, happy with final edit

[billy]

i think it carries a lot more clout after the edit. there is one line

there's nothing left in this town.

i suggested using there's at the beginning but after a re read i may have been wrong. other that a good edit.
i would however suggest another look at the grammar