Ionan Seas (or how to put a overpriced guide book to good use)

[TwistedAngel]

How great this burden
How cruel the Gods mock
To be born beneath the immortal ones
Smited by consequences of mortality

Gently rocking upon Posiedens blue
Ever watched by Olympian eyes
Blighting my sight with such kaleidoscopic vistas
Breaking my soul as glass upon the rocks

Shards of me sink, into Ionan seas
For I have been cursed with, the perfect day
None shall be like this no more
To fade into a tomorrows memory

No painting no picture will recapture
The sights an sounds entwined with emotions
Feelings of completeness, almost oneness
As calm as Ionan hues

A tear falls as salted as the deep
Lost forever, as this moments death
1000 years I could live, but never again today
Blissfully uncaring, drifting on Ionan seas

Zeus has held me high like Nike
Hermes stilled my spirit, as these tranquil waters
Cursed be this perfect day
For the morrow I shall return to the arms of Ares

Finite me clings to this earthly heaven seen
Waves of passion felt so intimatley, I could touch
The sadness in the knowledge
Dawn they shall be gone, as Loggerheads on the tides

To live this moment forever
Would the beauty eventually diminish ?
Eroded rainbows, with colour faded
Tis then that I'll know
Is my time to die

[Todd]

Hey TA,

I love the or part of the title. This is a departure from what I've read from you previously. There are some really good sequences. My thoughts below:

How great this burden
How cruel the Gods mock--don't think you need mock
To be born beneath the immortal ones--don't think you need the immortal ones. The Gods of the previous line and the mortality of the next tie it all together
Smited by consequences of mortality--maybe a the before consequences

Gently rocking upon Posiedens blue--minor typo: 's
Ever watched by Olympian eyes
Blighting my sight with such kaleidoscopic vistas--It's not awful but you could probably cut such. I like kaleidoscopic vistas
Breaking my soul as glass upon the rocks--tighten this up some maybe: My soul is glass upon the rocks

Shards of me sink, into Ionan seas
For I have been cursed with, the perfect day--utterly love this idea. It's good enough to restructure the poem and lead with it, but it works here
None shall be like this no more--maybe again instead of no more
To fade into a tomorrows memory--you could cut "a"

No painting no picture will recapture--maybe could capture instead of will recapture. Just a thought
The sights an sounds entwined with emotions--I would consider cutting with emotions and let the next line simply demonstrate those feelings
Feelings of completeness, almost oneness--Consider cutting feelings of
As calm as Ionan hues--lovely image

A tear falls as salted as the deep--like the image here
Lost forever, as this moments death
1000 years I could live, but never again today
Blissfully uncaring, drifting on Ionan seas--this is all very nicely phrased

Zeus has held me high like Nike
Hermes stilled my spirit, as these tranquil waters--maybe cut the comma and replace as with at
Cursed be this perfect day
For the morrow I shall return to the arms of Ares--if we are going to go with the archaic morrow maybe add an "on" before the

Finite me clings to this earthly heaven seen
Waves of passion felt so intimatley, I could touch
The sadness in the knowledge
Dawn they shall be gone, as Loggerheads on the tides--I felt the first three lines were a bit telly. Maybe condense: At dawn, this shall be gone (line break) as Loggerheads on the tides. Again just a thought

To live this moment forever--nice
Would the beauty eventually diminish ?
Eroded rainbows, with colour faded--don't think you need the comma but maybe plural colours (nice btw)
Tis then that I'll know
Is my time to die--you could cut is and I think it would be stronger

I like it. I think a bit of paring it down would make it pop more. I'm sorry for filling your poem with more of my black ink.

Best,

Todd

[billy]

i'd basically go with todd on almost all he says but i'll add, this is a big deviation for you. and the smalls things aside, it's an extremely well thought out poem. there are so many things that shine;
Zeus has held me high like Nike

many will not know that Nike is a greek goddess. but it doesn't matter cos it works with the sports shoe as well.

A tear falls as salted as the deep

tell me, isn't that a better way of saying it than "salty tears"? of course it is and it also shows that the most common of things can be said in a new way. well done. with a little work this would be a very publishable piece of poetry.
thanks for the read.

[TwistedAngel]

cheers Todd ..tho i got some questions before i start reworkin this

1 if i got rid of "the immortal ones" line would i need to add a line cos is all 4 line stanzas ?

2 me idea of "a tomorrow" instead of just "tomorrow" wos to kinda emphasize crappy days full of crappy memories an not just that 1 day ? am thinking if you didnt see it , it didnt work huh

3 "The sights an sounds entwined with emotions--I would consider cutting with emotions and let the next line simply demonstrate those feelings
Feelings of completeness, almost oneness--Consider cutting feelings of" i think you saying i repeat meself ? but not sure how the point am trying to make would work if i cut both 'emotions' and 'feelings' ?

4 wot does "a bit telly" mean ?

thanks

billy ..am well happy with that ..spesh since has cost me a fortune in paper an many hours staring at blank pages

reading other peoples stuff (even if mostly not understood) has helped loads tbh..dunno if am doing this the right way but am thinking if i can find a style i can get comfy with, then i can then learn some rules ...an then break them knowingly....err i think

[Keith]

Even though I really ejoyed your deleted poems, this one knocks them into a cocked hat. Spesh Thanks for the swim. TOMH

[billy]

cheers Todd ..tho i got some questions before i start reworkin this

1 if i got rid of "the immortal ones" line would i need to add a line cos is all 4 line stanzas ?

2 me idea of "a tomorrow" instead of just "tomorrow" wos to kinda emphasize crappy days full of crappy memories an not just that 1 day ? am thinking if you didnt see it , it didnt work huh

3 "The sights an sounds entwined with emotions--I would consider cutting with emotions and let the next line simply demonstrate those feelings
Feelings of completeness, almost oneness--Consider cutting feelings of" i think you saying i repeat meself ? but not sure how the point am trying to make would work if i cut both 'emotions' and 'feelings' ?

4 wot does "a bit telly" mean ?

thanks

billy ..am well happy with that ..spesh since has cost me a fortune in paper an many hours staring at blank pages

reading other peoples stuff (even if mostly not understood) has helped loads tbh..dunno if am doing this the right way but am thinking if i can find a style i can get comfy with, then i can then learn some rules ...an then break them knowingly....err i think

i think you already have a style, but even then it's okay to right outside one's style. the attitude is right though and that's the thing,

being telly is basically just telling us verbatim what's going on. i went to the park, i saw a dog, it bit me, i went to the hospital, the gave me medicine.

in the park i saw a dog with the fangs of a sabre toothed tiger. vicious bastard almost tore my arm off. the hospital patched me up quilt-like, now i've a gnarly arm that Frankenstein's monster would be proud of.


i think

[Todd]

cheers Todd ..tho i got some questions before i start reworkin this

1 if i got rid of "the immortal ones" line would i need to add a line cos is all 4 line stanzas ?--to be born beneath would be the line. I'm just suggesting cutting that one phrase

2 me idea of "a tomorrow" instead of just "tomorrow" wos to kinda emphasize crappy days full of crappy memories an not just that 1 day ? am thinking if you didnt see it , it didnt work huh --this is where punctuation would help. You can keep it the way you want just make it tomorrow's

3 "The sights an sounds entwined with emotions--I would consider cutting with emotions and let the next line simply demonstrate those feelings
Feelings of completeness, almost oneness--Consider cutting feelings of" i think you saying i repeat meself ? but not sure how the point am trying to make would work if i cut both 'emotions' and 'feelings' ?--I think it would work, but if in the end you don't than keep one of the phrases

4 wot does "a bit telly" mean ?--I don't recall saying that, but what that means is that you are telling the reader something rather than showing them with imagery. Example: Bob is angry (tely) Bob punched the wall until blood mixed with drywall (less tely)

thanks --you're welcome. I like the work you did on this one.

billy ..am well happy with that ..spesh since has cost me a fortune in paper an many hours staring at blank pages

reading other peoples stuff (even if mostly not understood) has helped loads tbh..dunno if am doing this the right way but am thinking if i can find a style i can get comfy with, then i can then learn some rules ...an then break them knowingly....err i think

[penguin]

I like the 3rd verse a lot and the Nike thing is clever.

How great this burden
How cruel the Gods mock
To be born beneath the immortal ones
Smited by consequences of mortality - don't like this line. Is smited a word? "yet smitten by mortality" - same meaning?

Gently rocking upon Posiedens blue - Poseidon's
Ever watched by Olympian eyes
Blighting my sight with such kaleidoscopic vistas - don't need such
Breaking my soul as glass upon the rocks

Shards of me sink, into Ionan seas - lovely line, no comma needed
For I have been cursed with, the perfect day - likewise
None shall be like this no more
To fade into a tomorrows memory - "but fade"?

No painting no picture will recapture
The sights an sounds entwined with emotions - maybe bound rather than entwined
Feelings of completeness, almost oneness
As calm as Ionan hues

A tear falls as salted as the deep
Lost forever, as this moments death
1000 years I could live, but never again today
Blissfully uncaring, drifting on Ionan seas

Zeus has held me high like Nike
Hermes stilled my spirit, as these tranquil waters
Cursed be this perfect day
For the morrow I shall return to the arms of Ares

Finite me clings to this earthly heaven seen
Waves of passion felt so intimatley, I could touch
The sadness in the knowledge
Dawn they shall be gone, as Loggerheads on the tides

To live this moment forever - I'd put "To live forever in this moment"
Would the beauty eventually fade ? And I'd swap round fade and diminished
Eroded rainbows, with colour diminished
Tis then that I'll know
Is my time to die

There's several lines that are too long for my liking but it's a nice poem, enjoyed.

[TwistedAngel]

the hardest edit i ever done

Ionan Seas (or how to put a overpriced guide book to good use) (take 2))

How great this burden
How cruel the Gods
To be born beneath everlasting skies
Smited by consequences of mortality

Gently rocking upon Posieden's blue
Ever watched by Olympian eyes
Blighting my sight with kaleidoscopic vistas
Shattering a glass soul, falling upon Herculean rocks

Shards of me sink, into Ionan seas
For I have been cursed with, the perfect day
None shall be like this no more
To fade into a tomorrows memory

No painting no picture could capture
The sights an sounds entwined with emotions
Completeness, almost oneness
As calm as Ionan hues

A tear falls as salted as the deep
Lost forever, as this moments death
1000 years I could live, but never again today
Blissfully uncaring, drifting on Ionan seas

Zeus has held me high like Nike
Hermes stilled my spirit at these tranquil waters
Cursed be this perfect day
For on morrow I shall return to the arms of Ares

Intimate waves of finite passion felt
Sadness in the knowledge
Dawn they shall be gone
As Loggerheads on the tides

To live this moment forever
Would the beauty eventually diminish ?
Eroded rainbows with colours faded
Tis then I'll know
Is time to die

[Todd]

Your edit is wonderful. It reads smoothly. I only saw two minor typos:

You need an apostrophe before the s on tomorrows. You also need to remove the space before the question mark.

That's it from me.

You put in the work it's obvious. You have a really good poem here.

Congrats! The work paid off.

Best,

Todd

[Leanne]

Ionan Seas (or how to put a overpriced guide book to good use) -- Great title! Though this should be "Ionian" in reference to the Greeks -- Iona is another name for Ireland

How great this burden
How cruel the Gods -- very classical-sounding setup, I like this a lot
To be born beneath everlasting skies
Smited by consequences of mortality -- the past tense of smite is smote

Gently rocking upon Posieden's blue --(Poseidon)
Ever watched by Olympian eyes
Blighting my sight with kaleidoscopic vistas
Shattering a glass soul, falling upon Herculean rocks -- excellent -- using the visual sense through the whole stanza ties it together and this last line links well with the next stanza

Shards of me sink, into Ionan seas -- the comma is not needed
For I have been cursed with, the perfect day -- again, no comma required
None shall be like this no more
To fade into a tomorrows memory -- I love the idea -- I wonder how you'd feel about making a new word by saying "a tomorrow-memory"?

No painting no picture could capture -- comma after painting
The sights an sounds entwined with emotions
Completeness, almost oneness -- I'm not keen on "almost" -- I think it's hedging a bit, I'd rather a definitive statement (poets are allowed to exaggerate )
As calm as Ionan hues

A tear falls as salted as the deep -- you could get rid of the first as, just have "a tear falls salted as the deep"
Lost forever, as this moments death
1000 years I could live, but never again today -- lovely, though the numbers are distracting for me, I'd prefer it written out in words
Blissfully uncaring, drifting on Ionan seas

Zeus has held me high like Nike -- perfect!
Hermes stilled my spirit at these tranquil waters
Cursed be this perfect day
For on morrow I shall return to the arms of Ares -- on the morrow -- I love the contrast between the holiday's tranquillity and the return to the usual war

Intimate waves of finite passion felt
Sadness in the knowledge
Dawn they shall be gone
As Loggerheads on the tides

To live this moment forever -- you could use a dash or an ellipsis after this line
Would the beauty eventually diminish ?
Eroded rainbows with colours faded
Tis then I'll know
Is time to die -- would "it's" work better?

I know I've mucked up your edit This is absolutely worth perfecting, it's a terrific piece of work and I find these connections between past, present and future very exciting. Thanks for working on this.

[billy]

i see others have covered the bases and i think they make fair comments. it stands out as a well crafted poem even with the things mentioned. the edit helped but i think you still need another. it's good that you're thinking about the poem. as it stands it's on par with some of the better poetry we have on the boards, if i hear you telling how bad a poet are,; they'll be hell to pay

[TwistedAngel]

OFFS even mispelled the title HOW BAD IS THAT

kk more question
1. smite/smote...am thinking smite/smited cos as am not dead yet so am not past tense

2. "For I have been cursed with, the perfect day" << the comma is like a dramatic pause i guess it didnt work very well ?

3. "..." < is/it's i guess you right am still trying not to write as i speak...my bad

[Todd]

The truth about edits is you mostly get poems to a certain point and say: Yeah it's done. And it is. You'll set it aside for a month or so, and then decide to read it again. You'll have gotten better, or you just have the perspective of a bit of distance from it and you'll see problems throughout. So, you'll fix those and then say: Done. The cycle repeats. I tend to do between 10 and 100 tweaks on any poem. Some are longer edits, but most are fixing the five to ten issues that crop up.

After you get the obvious things fixed (spelling, punctuation, basic clarity), it's usually good to just sit it down for a at least a week or two and than come back to it.

Just thoughts everyone's process is different.

[TwistedAngel]

dear poerty god personage please please let em like it..am sick of looking at it now..if you grant me this one poetry prayer i promise i'll stop nicking back me money from me swear box at work..ermm amen :angel:




Ionian Seas(or how to put a overpriced guide book to good use)

How great this burden
How cruel the Gods
To be born beneath everlasting skies
Smited by consequences of mortality

Gently rocking upon Poseiden's blue
Ever watched by Olympian eyes
Blighting my sight with kaleidoscopic vistas
Shattering glass soul, falling upon Herculean rocks

Shards of me sink into Ionian seas
For I have been cursed with, the perfect day
None shall be like this no more
To fade into a tomorrow-memory

No painting, no picture could capture
The sights an sounds entwined with emotions
Completeness, harmonious oneness
As calm as Ionian hues

Tear falls salted as the deep
Lost forever, as this moments death
A thousand years I could live, but never again today
Blissfully uncaring, drifting on Ionian seas

Zeus has held me high like Nike
Hermes stilled my spirit at these tranquil waters
Cursed be this perfect day
For on morrow I shall return to the arms of Ares

Intimate waves of finite passion felt
Sadness in the knowledge
Dawn they shall be gone
As Loggerheads on the tides

To live this moment forever
Would the beauty eventually diminish ?
Eroded rainbows with colours faded
Tis then I'll know
It's time to die

[cidermaid]

Hi TA,
I've been away in that not has so much time on site so only just come across your poem and all the re-works / edits.
Everyone has already said all that needs to be said....but I just wanted to add my voice of encouragment for this outstanding poem. I think you nailed it (at least for now!) Fantastic write. Well done.

[Leanne]

Very well done, and if you're happy with it, I'll leave you alone

[billy]

seldom is a poem perfect and it's never perfect for everyone, this is an excellent poem. stick it in a draw for 3 or 4 months and return to it. if it needs any nit fixes you'll have clearer eyes. you've worked really well through the edits from start to finish, i can see where you took advice and made changes using your own words.. you should be very proud of yourself.

thanks for the reads and the work you put into it. ><

[Todd]

Don't kill me. Don't break my legs. No maiming. And please don't hit me with the swear jar. Every time it gets clearer there are a few minor things that pop out (they're options but I'll bring them up):


As calm as these Ionian hues

Lost forever in as this moments death

That at dawn they shall be gone
As Loggerheads on the tides

Those are the only nits I had, and mostly I consider those options to smooth out the flow.

It's lovely. You've done great work. I'd be proud of the poem.

Best,

Todd