an experiment...is this prose ?
#1
Beyond the Promised Land

Sometimes I dream of a white knight, or maybe is just a friend? But then its only a mirage, faceless with blurred edges, undefined. Sometimes I dream of white flags, my personal war done, don't matter even if it's not won but the peace of mind would be nice.
But reality along with the mirror are cruel mocking truths. What knight would want this unvirtuous wench? Who wants to befriend a social pariah?
I'm tired. Knuckles never healing, knees permanently bleeding, pretending I don't got no feeling. Armours rusted, shield battered, swords bent an busted, climbing an falling from the citadel's buttress. Where even if I do clamber over I'll never be welcomed or wanted.
From my desert of scorned earth I'm bombarded by images of the 'Promised Land'. Always its just over the next horizon. Once I tried to get in legitimately, passport in hand an some failed GCSE. From the battlements they jeered at me, then slammed the door on this refugee. The fires of hate had been lit,but the declaration of war went ignored, an army of one is no threat.
No arrows can penetrate my armour, no axe can dent my shield an no lance can pierce this heart. But ignorance an arrogance an laughter, are wounds that penetrate so very deep.
Under a rock in my wasteland I see warm fires glow in their keep. Alone, sometimes I weep, an wonder why am I banished ? I realise now the longer I'm here, the worse the smell of decay that wreaks an festers from my every pour. Nothing grows in Hell, I've tried, I live off the rubbish an waste from the citadel. Kept alive to be used as a lesson in failure.
What self respecting knight would want this ?
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#2
looks like a block of poetry to me. i think a different format would better lay out some of the rhyme and rhythm but i think it reads as poetry. it feels like you have a few too many 'but's' near the beginning. lots of good lines lots of original passages. i love; [Once I tried to get in legitimately, passport in hand an some failed GCSE.] the last line feels a bit trite and forced. i enjoyed it. i was okay with some of near cliche because they worked, Always its just over the next horizon, borders on not working but it's a dream so it got through Big Grin.

solid write, the block writing could work because it create a solid thing/iomage but i'd like to see this rappy bugger broken down to smaller chunks.
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#3
prose. you are falling back on disjunction to create a poetic effect here but there is no compression and a lot of lax imagery. i like the narrative thrust here and think you should work on that. think of where the story goes. let the language fall into its own place. you also need to bit of proofing i guess. "maybe is just a friend" etc. good effort.

arka
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