Dawn's Amethyst Sky

[billy]

Hi atehequa.
after a couple of passes i saw a bit of wordiness in some parts. i enjoyed how the 4th stanza threw me, i wasn't expecting such a shift from nature to poet. it felt a little forced and weak at the end of the last stanza. and the repetitious last line didn't help. a few clichés but overall the poem had a feeling of age to it that come from natural story telling. i do think it needs an edit.

thanks for the read.

Gazing up at dawn’s amethyst sky
In time it will turn into a pale grey
Before the rising sun’s golden glow
And another day I will come to know
Fading slowly into evening’s dusky gloom the 1st stanza feels very intimate. and it's meekness make it feel powerful.

Many winding miles away from it all
My strength and clarity slowly returning is 'ing' needed?
Allowing me to make it through the day
Strange how it returns when I am away
A sign in itself to be well heeded

Sitting in a small shadowy glade
The serenity is like a lover’s embrace
Gazing up at dawn’s amethyst sky not sure the repetition works enough to keep it. sadly i have nothing else to suggest as to how it could be altered.
Ever soothingly pleasant to the eye
The best part of my weekend day

I would rather be writing a love poem
Or describing endless highland vistas
Thoughts moving my pen across the page
Words of wandering in an uncertain age
Pen upon paper, soothing to my mind i like the feel that this stanza evokes, it's a pleasurable ramble

Night’s darkness shall find me again
Hours and miles from dawn’s amethyst sky again it doesn't work as well as it should.
Penning poems of dark uncertain times
Soothing my soul through these rhymes
Awaiting the possibilities of another morning

[addy]

This poem was an interesting read for me. I don't know if my interpretation is correct, but bear with me. I thought it was about someone who, despite trying his/her best to enjoy the present, ends up anticipating the aftermath instead. I got that impression in the first stanza... even as the narrator watches the sunrise it is the end of the day he/she is thinking about. The theme then repeats in the poem; he/she sits, amazed by nature, but internally would rather sit and write poems in preparation for dark times ahead, which he/ she again anticipates will be broken by a new day. I think that overarching theme informs the style of the poem, which is why some of the transitions end up seeming somehow abrupt and surprising, like what billy said about it shifting from about nature to about writing.

As for the nitty-gritty details; you seem to have a good writing voice. I think there may be a bit too many adjectives here and there ("dusky, many, small shadowy, soothingly pleasant" almost every line has one or even several). Having many adjectives isn't necessarily bad; your personal taste may lean towards them, just like many other poets. Just make sure that a) they really are necessary to precisely express the correct feeling and image you want, and it's not just to make the line flowery, and b) They are unique enough to make the line interesting and engaging.

Thanks for the read athequa

[Todd]

Hi Atehequa, I just want to make one very minor point. I think you can cut your first line. The title already states that content, and as it stands it feels too static.

Welcome to the site!

Best,

Todd

[BJ_Murphy]

This was, truly, a wonderful read. The 4th stanza, at first, seemed out of place, but after giving it 2nd and 3rd reads, it felt like a nice transition from setting to character. I agree with Todd, however, about the first line. Though a simple re-wording may do just as fine, if not better. Turning an ongoing flow of 5-line stanzas into a 4 then 5 line stanza would seem odd.

Looking forward to more poems from you!