A four stanza pantoum; Bun in t'oven.

[billy]

I popped my cork the other day;
A flash of thigh. A rip of white
a cherry plucked and all was red.
We banged like shutters in the wind.

A flash of thigh, a rip of white
with rabid moans I parted hair.
We banged, like shutters in the wind
the smell of matrimony bare.

With rabid moans I parted hair;
we shredded clothes, and did the deed.
The smell of matrimony bare.
she'd hooked me with her rabbit's noose

We, shredded clothes and did the deed
her father's shotgun testement.
She'd hooked me with her rabbit's noose
my drinking days are numerous.

[cidermaid]

As much for myself as for others reading. (I keep forgetting the final sequence and I've written two of them)

A quick check over the rules for a pantoum (More like guideline for some).
Form with repeating lines throughout the poem.
A series of quatrains.
Second and fourth lines of each stanza are repeated as the first and third lines of the next.
So on and so forth until the final stanza....
...The first line of last stanza = second line of penultimate
Second line of the last stanza, is the third of the first stanza
Third line = fourth of penultimate
And finally the last line of the final stanza is taken from the first line of the first stanza
Ideally, the meaning of lines shifts when they are repeated although the words remain exactly the same: this can be done by shifting punctuation, punning, or simply recontextualizing.
I loved this Keep up the good work :
Hours of fun!

Hi Billy,
I loved your pantoum although it did go somewhat off form in the final stanza. Perhaps a review of the rules i have posted above might be of some help.
I felt that the marriage between poetic form and subject choice was well made and the rhythmical comming and going of the repeating lines added emphasis to the story.
I notice that you seam to particularly enjoy this subject matter and that it has featured frequently in other works. Whilst for the current job in hand of working over this poem, this is not relevant, comsumer fatigue might be relevant if you are ever considering a collected works. If you repeatedly hoist your ensign you may either wear it out or break your rudder and be pernamently stuck at hard to port. Whilst I can appreciate that for you this might not be such a problem and certainly this poem would not come under such critisim, as I mentioned, overuse can cause problems went considering applications in wider circulation.
Meanwhile back at the poem. I felt that you had some lovely strong images that not only kept my attention but also supplied plenty of concrete information by which I could follow and understand the story.
I did find a couple of small nits that spoilt my enjoyment. The use of the rabbit's noose symbol threw me, in that I had to go and look it up. Although it is always good to extend one's vocabulary, so thank you for this. This line is actually very clever and an excellent example of how use of slang and parocial language can make for econimical use of line space whilst conveying a deeper or lenghty subject.
My second was that perhaps the referance to a shot gun was a little close to a cliche. But perhaps others will have some different thoughts on this.
All in all I thought this was a well exicuted effort that has a lot going for it. Perhaps if you could just tidy up the ending (after having made such a prommising start), because i feel that to make a good ending is highly desirable as this will leave the comsumer wanting to come back for more.
Thanks for the share I enjoyed the read

[billy]

thanks for the feedback cidermaid. i got the rules from wiki,

The pantoum is a form of poetry similar to a villanelle in that there are repeating lines throughout the poem. It is composed of a series of quatrains; the second and fourth lines of each stanza are repeated as the first and third lines of the next. This pattern continues for any number of stanzas, except for the final stanza, which differs in the repeating pattern. The first and third lines of the last stanza are the second and fourth of the penultimate; the first line of the poem is the last line of the final stanza, and the third line of the first stanza is the second of the final. Ideally, the meaning of lines shifts when they are repeated although the words remain exactly the same: this can be done by shifting punctuation, punning, or simply recontextualizing.

A four-stanza pantoum is common, and in the final stanza, you could simply repeat lines one and three from the first stanza, or write new lines. The pantoum "recipe" is as follows:

Stanza 1 A B C D (or A C B D)

Stanza 2 B E D F (or C E D F)

Stanza 3 E G F H

Stanza 4 G I (or A or C) H J (or A or C)

i'll do the next one the way you said.
i think you have a point with shotgun i'll see if i can sort something out with it after i see if there's any more feedback on the thing. now and again i write other kinds of poetry (content wise) but find the funny mucky stuff is easier to do i'll also ponder the noose line ) great feedback, thanks again

[cidermaid]

thanks for the feedback cidermaid. i got the rules from wiki,


well spotted so did I!

[billy]

what i have noticed while doing Leanne's exercises is that many of the forms have variations. and some have the capacity to create your own, triple quadruple sestina, reversed sestina, i'm just happy to post a poem which is down to you

[Keith]

I'll come back to this one with more time, you mucky bugger, With rabid moans I parted hair, lol, you nearly put me off my tea.

[billy]

don't drink tea while reading my poems

[Keith]

I popped my cork the other day;
A flash of thigh. A rip of white
a cherry plucked and all was red.
We banged like shutters in the wind. This is a great line

A flash of thigh, a rip of white
with rabid moans I parted hair.
We banged, like shutters in the wind
the smell of matrimony bare.

With rabid moans I parted hair;
we shredded clothes, and did the deed.
The smell of matrimony bare.
she'd hooked me with her rabbit's noose

We, shredded clothes and did the deed
her father's shotgun testement.
She'd hooked me with her rabbit's noose
my drinking days are numerous.

Not quite sure I understand what it going on with pantoun but I did enjoy the fun inside the lines, thanks TOMH

[billy]

hehe, soon everyone will know the word "pantoum" and it will rule the universe

thanks for ther kindness tomh