Yvonne

[Art Deco]

A funky chicken fresh as air
and not in all the world a care
“Come on, let’s go and we’ll get high
on double scotch and half of dry!”
“Come on, let’s go and freak it out
up town around and all about!”

Her cheeky grin and laughing eyes
and fetching ways that tantalise
Her charms cannot be overstated
A zest for life that’s rarely sated
With her feminine devices
she entrances and entices

Yet these charms may quickly falter
Unannounced, her mood will alter
So cherish well that frame of mind
that finds her loving, sweet and kind
Cherish well before it’s gone ...
Instead a strange and sad Yvonne.

What then goes on so deep inside
that changes Jeckell into Hyde?
Transforms so fun a disposition
into a moody sad condition?
Cherish well the frame of mind
that finds her loving, sweet and kind

[cidermaid]

Hi Art deco,
I am still learning the art of giving critique...I have been known to get it wrong!...so please bear this in mind.
You have some nice rhymes and manage to maintain the metre throughout most of the poem.
You kept the subject clear and well focused and made a nice switch of tone in the last two stanzas.
I thought your poem was jolly with a nice little twist at the end.
Well done and thanks for shareing.

[penguin]

Well, the opening line ain't promising, but the rest is pretty good, I think. Nice rhythm and rhyme. What interests me is this: you've got quotation marks, question marks, exclamation marks and commas. Why not use full stops? I don't mind at all poems without punctuation but this annoys me intensely!Justify it.
It's Jekyll.

[Philatone]

Hey Art!
for me, the opening two lines almost are distracting. "Funky chicken" grabs attention, but not in a pleasant way for me. Starting with the quotations perhaps begins your action sooner; maybe the characters could be introduced after the quotations, or while they are being said?

besides that, it was a fun read that felt well-structured with some great repetitions of ideas. i think it's relatable, realistic, and understandable, which I think are great things to have in a piece

[billy]

A funky chicken fresh as air
and not in all the world a care
“Come on, let’s go and we’ll get high
on double scotch and half of dry!”
“Come on, let’s go and freak it out
up town around and all about!”

Her cheeky grin and laughing eyes
and fetching ways that tantalise
Her charms cannot be overstated an extra foot here
A zest for life that’s rarely sated
With her feminine devices
she entrances and entices

Yet these charms may quickly falter
Unannounced, her mood will alter
So cherish well that frame of mind
that finds her loving, sweet and kind
Cherish well before it’s gone ...
Instead a strange and sad Yvonne. this line feels a bit off , i can't explain it but it pulled me up short.

What then goes on so deep inside
that changes Jeckell into Hyde?
Transforms so fun a disposition
into a moody sad condition?
Cherish well the frame of mind
that finds her loving, sweet and kind

all in all good meter good end rhymes and a good content. the thing flies along apart from a couple of places. the repetitions felt fine, and i really enjoyed it

thanks for the read.

[Art Deco]

Thanks to all for your helpful comments ... I must confess that the inspiration here dates back to the 70s disco days when funky chickens danced round their handbags!
As for punctuation in poetry, there is obviouly an issue here - Without them the piece looks better on the page but including them must surely assist with understanding - That in my view, is more important.

A funky chicken fresh as air
and not in all the world a care
“Come on, let’s go and we’ll get high
on double scotch and half of dry!”
“Come on, let’s go and freak it out
up town around and all about!”

Her cheeky grin and laughing eyes
and fetching ways that tantalise
Her charms cannot be overstated
A zest for life that’s rarely sated
With her feminine devices
she entrances and entices

Yet these charms may quickly falter
Unannounced, her mood will alter
So cherish well that frame of mind
that finds her loving, sweet and kind
Cherish well before it’s gone ...
Instead a strange and sad Yvonne.

What then goes on so deep inside
that changes Jeckell into Hyde?
Transforms so fun a disposition
into a moody sad condition?
Cherish well the frame of mind
that finds her loving, sweet and kind

[penguin]

I'd agree that poems can look better without punctuation and certainly punctuation assists understanding. What I'm pointing out is the inconsistency - using punctuation in places and seemingly employing line-ends in order to avoid full stops. Looks to me like the worst of both worlds.

[billy]

not discussing the use of grammar in general but in the poem. i'm okay with how it is, but as you use grammar everywhere else in the poem. wouldn't periods be aesthetically more pleasing. you use question marks which incorporates a period.