If

[Rose Love]

This needs a serious overhaul. It's highly personal, yes, but...it's from my past and it's not a state I live in anymore (thank God for that).

If
if somebody loved me
i know i would not cling to You
so unrelentingly
as these, writhing limbs of the cursed,
tighten their grip
constricting wrathfully 'round my ankles
dragging me off with them
to eternal hellfire and damnation.

if somebody loved me
i know i would not clutch so desperately
onto Your shoestrings
fraying threads
dangling me over this wailing bottomless pit
sucking me forcefully into its vacuum of eternally lost souls.

if somebody loved me
i know i would not grasp so frantically at Your heels
in futile attempts to save myself
from the fright of my living death
as i sink into my inescapable oblivion
momentarily pulling You with me
down beneath the line of sanity.

if somebody loved me
i could release my bleeding fists
too severely rapt in anguish
freeing You
laying to rest at long last
my abused heart
in a healing
bed of love

if.

I loved it when I first wrote it. Now...I can't really feel it anymore.

[Leanne]

Hi Rose... a few thoughts, though it's difficult to critique something so personal... if you're happy to remove yourself from the poem and look at it as just another piece of writing, I think this could end up a great poem.

If

if somebody loved me
i know i would not cling to You
so unrelentingly
as these, writhing limbs of the cursed, -- you could probably do without "these"
tighten their grip
constricting wrathfully 'round my ankles
dragging me off with them
to eternal hellfire and damnation. -- I'd suggest either hellfire OR damnation -- both together is... wait for it... cliche

if somebody loved me -- the plaintive repetition of this line is very effective
i know i would not clutch so desperately
onto Your shoestrings -- just "to" instead of "onto", I think
fraying threads
dangling me over this wailing bottomless pit
sucking me forcefully into its vacuum of eternally lost souls. -- these two lines, though they contain good imagery, are very wordy and the impact is being lost.

if somebody loved me
i know i would not grasp so frantically at Your heels
in futile attempts to save myself
from the fright of my living death
as i sink into my inescapable oblivion -- a bit emo here... I'm not sure this line is actually required
momentarily pulling You with me
down beneath the line of sanity.

if somebody loved me
i could release my bleeding fists
too severely rapt in anguish
freeing You
laying to rest at long last -- I don't think "at long last" adds anything
my abused heart
in a healing
bed of love

if. -- what a quiet little word -- a powerful ending

[Rose Love]

Thanks Leanne. I'm not really in the poem anymore, which is part of the reason I can't feel it anymore. It was me up until a few years ago, but I can't really relate to it so much now...which I think is a good thing for me, but maybe not for the poem.

Hi Rose... a few thoughts, though it's difficult to critique something so personal... if you're happy to remove yourself from the poem and look at it as just another piece of writing, I think this could end up a great poem.

If

if somebody loved me
i know i would not cling to You
so unrelentingly
as the writhing limbs of the cursed, --How is it with "the"? Doesn't it seem like it needs some kind of qualifier?
tighten their grip
constricting wrathfully 'round my ankles
dragging me off with them
to eternal hellfire and damnation. -- I'd suggest either hellfire OR damnation -- both together is... wait for it... cliche Ha ha Well, I think I was looking for "rhythm filler" there, so maybe I can come up with something better than the redundancy there

if somebody loved me
i know i would not clutch so desperately
to Your shoestrings -- just "to" instead of "onto", I think Hmmm...I think this one was also a "rhythm filler" thing. I wonder where these rhythms I write to in my head come from. Maybe I'm the only one who can hear them--ah, because I march to the beat of a different drummer (still stuck on that cliché kick...)
fraying threads
dangling me over this wailing bottomless pit
sucking me forcefully into its vacuum of eternally lost souls. -- these two lines, though they contain good imagery, are very wordy and the impact is being lost. I know, that's why I needed to overhaul the poem

if somebody loved me
i know i would not grasp so frantically at Your heels
in futile attempts to save myself
from the fright of my living death
as i sink into my inescapable oblivion -- a bit emo here... I'm not sure this line is actually required and "emo" means...?
momentarily pulling You with me
down beneath the line of sanity.

if somebody loved me
i could release my bleeding fists
too severely rapt in anguish
freeing You
laying to rest at long last -- I don't think "at long last" adds anything Well, how would I indicate that I had been living in the state for over 3 decades? It's the kind of feeling you have, you live in it so long that you don't ever even realize you can or will get out of it--"long last" is really an understatement, in fact, because it is the only state you even know to exist.
my abused heart
in a healing
bed of love

if.


And thanks! Now let me see if my colors show up They do, what a mess! Maybe I'll have to find a better way next time But colors are so pretty...

[Todd]

Hi Rose,

Serious overhaul okay, I'll give it a shot. Before I go to the line comments a few quick observations: I don't mind the lowercase i's you use. I normally call them out as self conscious. Each poem has its own ecosystem though. For this one, the speaker has a diminished sense of worth--so it comes across as a subtle statement. Oh, and I like this more than the moralizing Kipling poem of the same name.

Line comments below:

This needs a serious overhaul. It's highly personal, yes, but...it's from my past and it's not a state I live in anymore (thank God for that).

If
if somebody loved me
i know i would not cling to Youconsider a line break after cling to draw out a layered meaning
so unrelentingly--this is a bit tell not show. Consider an image or cut it and let the next line provide that work
as these, writhing limbs of the cursed,--what I like about how you end each of these strophes is that you use hyberbole to make your point with these apocalyptic pronouncements
tighten their grip--does this line give you anything that cutting it and changing constricting to constrict wouldn't? Just a thought the repetition isn't bad. It just seems that tightening would be to your benefit
constricting wrathfully 'round my ankles--you could probably cut wrathfully as the action and context suggests some animosity
dragging me off with them--you may be able to cut with them
to eternal hellfire and damnation.

if somebody loved me--I didn't mention this earlier but I really like this refrain and than the desperate action that follows. This is the universal aspect of the poem. The thought that there's some pure, clean love that will change us--transform us into something confident and strong.
i know i would not clutch so desperately--again I'd consider breaking the line on the action the speaker wil do and keep the other person on the following lines. Also again less adverb more trust the image
onto Your shoestrings--i take the capitalized use of Your to make us think the other is seen as godlike
fraying threads
dangling me over this wailing bottomless pit
sucking me forcefully into its vacuum of eternally lost souls.--not sure you need forcefully sucking already does the work here. I also think you could cut eternally as you already use eternal earlier and the context suggests eternal punishment

if somebody loved me
i know i would not grasp so frantically at Your heels--again I suggest breaking on grasp and cutting the adverb
in futile attempts to save myself
from the fright of my living death--you could probably cut my
as i sink into my inescapable oblivion--you could cut my again
momentarily pulling You with me--nice twist
down beneath the line of sanity.--I like this

if somebody loved me
i could release my bleeding fists--no need to change the breaks here. This is a point of reflection and insight
too severely rapt in anguish--you could cut the adverb
freeing You--this is a good observation of how memories can trap us. There is a point of reconciliation with them that does not imply forgiveness that frees both
laying to rest at long last
my abused heart
in a healing
bed of love--I really like these last four lines

if.

I loved it when I first wrote it. Now...I can't really feel it anymore.

It's a good poem. I think it needs tightening to bring out, but I do like it. I hope some of that will be helpful to you.

Best,

Todd

[billy]

hi rose. personal poetry; it can be a bitch seeing your soul getting dissected but here goes

This needs a serious overhaul. It's highly personal, yes, but...it's from my past and it's not a state I live in anymore (thank God for that).
first off, i get a feel that it's a bit wordy in places. wordy parts in [these brackets and bold]

If
if somebody loved me
[i know] i would not cling to You
so unrelentingly
as [these,] writhing limbs of the cursed,
tighten their grip
constricting wrathfully 'round my ankles
dragging me off [with them]
to eternal hellfire and damnation.
straight away it's your own if and not an homage to kipling. the tone is set and the pain and need are evident
if somebody loved me
[i know] i would not clutch [so] desperately
onto Your shoestrings
fraying threads
dangling me over this wailing bottomless pit
sucking me forcefully into its vacuum of eternally lost souls. I'm not sure sucking me forcefully into its is needed, a suggestion would be to sawp it with an 'a' . eternal/eternally could one of them be changed,
i like the enjambment you have in this stanza specially L3,4, and 5 fraying threads adds great tension as it dangles over the pit line. also creates a good image

if somebody loved me
[i know] i would not grasp so frantically at Your heels
in futile attempts to save myself
from the fright of [my] living death
as i sink into [my] inescapable oblivion
momentarily pulling You [with me] this line feels too forgiving. a suggestion would be 'wanting to pull you' why the capped Y
down beneath the line of sanity.

if somebody loved me
i could release my bleeding fists
too severely rapt in anguish
freeing You
laying to rest at long last
my abused heart
in a healing
bed of love not sure this line is working enough to be included. i like the the line above though, it sort of hangs as the 1st person in the does.

if.

I loved it when I first wrote it. Now...I can't really feel it anymore.

i liked it, i think like most personal poetry is extends itself. let's face it, with personal poetry we just want to get the emotion out, we laugh love and cry with the words when it's emotionally personal. while most poetry is personal, when writing for others as well as ourselves it's often more about presenting a solid read for others. this is definitely a solid read but i think an edit would make it more so. it's a painful read and if it's personal it must have been a painful write. thanks for being brave enough to throw it out there.

thanks for the read.

---

Well, how would I indicate that I had been living in the state for over 3 decades?

a suggestion;

3 decades laying to rest

it gives an almost exact time and shows that your not talking about teenage angst...just a suggestion

[Rose Love]

Hi guys.

Thanks for your thoughtful replies. I'll go back and mull them over. This is more of a quick acknowledgment.

First off, I have to say--omg, if this could be mistaken for teen-age angst, then it's a big fat fail. I don't even know what teen-age angst is, actually, probably a few levels "up" from what I've lived with. It sounds like the "depression" version of "puppy love."

Todd--Glad you understood the "i" and the "You" thing. I always write them properly by default.

I want to reiterate that this poem has ceased to be very personal for me. It wasn't painful to write--it was a relief. Poetry isn't painful, it's a relief of pain. I just had a kind of mission with this poem, unconsciously, then maybe later a little more consciously. I wanted people, who are so judgmental, sitting up on their "high horses" and ... what I call the "emotionally elite" (who had upbringings that were too good for them to have any compassion for those who were less fortunate) who get all freaked out when you talk about suicide and stuff like that--instead of being compassionate and loving (or at least understanding), they make your depression about them and how creepy and bad you are for bringing your depression into their awareness. So I just wanted people like that to step into my 24/7 reality. I called it my living death.

It felt great when I wrote it, which was many years ago and I felt it represented my emotional life very well, and that pleased me. Now, however, it seems so wordy to me and maybe I will take your suggestions and just kind of write it over.

[penguin]

Hello. You may not be "in the poem anymore" but poetry isn't just about emotions, it's mostly about words. Might be a useful exercise to pare this down to its essentials. I do feel it protests too much as it is. For example
dangling me over this wailing bottomless pit
sucking me forcefully into its vacuum of eternally lost souls.

There are several instances that are similarly overblown.

[heslopian]

This needs a serious overhaul. It's highly personal, yes, but...it's from my past and it's not a state I live in anymore (thank God for that).

If
if somebody loved me
i know i would not cling to You This stylistic choice is interesting, where all is in lower case but "You". It reminds me of how the narrator of Rebecca didn't have a name, but her husband's ex-wife has the story named after her.
so unrelentingly
as these, writhing limbs of the cursed, Is the first comma needed? Otherwise I like this line.
tighten their grip
constricting wrathfully 'round my ankles
dragging me off with them
to eternal hellfire and damnation. Your use of stock horror images in this verse is surprisingly effective.

if somebody loved me
i know i would not clutch so desperately
onto Your shoestrings
fraying threads
dangling me over this wailing bottomless pit Nice visceral effect.
sucking me forcefully into its vacuum of eternally lost souls. "Eternally" could be removed, as a variation thereof has already been used in verse one. Don't let your themes grow laboured.

if somebody loved me
i know i would not grasp so frantically at Your heels
in futile attempts to save myself
from the fright of my living death
as i sink into my inescapable oblivion
momentarily pulling You with me
down beneath the line of sanity. This verse has a deja vu quality. The first two verses have said what's here already, and better.

if somebody loved me
i could release my bleeding fists
too severely rapt in anguish
freeing You
laying to rest at long last
my abused heart
in a healing
bed of love I like the last four lines.

if.

I loved it when I first wrote it. Now...I can't really feel it anymore.

The first half of this poem is definitely the best. The grammatical choice is intriguing and the use of Hammer horror-style imagery really works. All my critique is, of course, JMHO (Just My Humble Opinion), and thanks very much for the read

[Rose Love]

This needs a serious overhaul. It's highly personal, yes, but...it's from my past and it's not a state I live in anymore (thank God for that).

If
if somebody loved me
i know i would not cling to You This stylistic choice is interesting, where all is in lower case but "You". It reminds me of how the narrator of Rebecca didn't have a name, but her husband's ex-wife has the story named after her.
so unrelentingly
as these, writhing limbs of the cursed, Is the first comma needed? Otherwise I like this line.
tighten their grip
constricting wrathfully 'round my ankles
dragging me off with them
to eternal hellfire and damnation. Your use of stock horror images in this verse is surprisingly effective.

if somebody loved me
i know i would not clutch so desperately
onto Your shoestrings
fraying threads
dangling me over this wailing bottomless pit Nice visceral effect.
sucking me forcefully into its vacuum of eternally lost souls. "Eternally" could be removed, as a variation thereof has already been used in verse one. Don't let your themes grow laboured.

if somebody loved me
i know i would not grasp so frantically at Your heels
in futile attempts to save myself
from the fright of my living death
as i sink into my inescapable oblivion
momentarily pulling You with me
down beneath the line of sanity. This verse has a deja vu quality. The first two verses have said what's here already, and better.

if somebody loved me
i could release my bleeding fists
too severely rapt in anguish
freeing You
laying to rest at long last
my abused heart
in a healing
bed of love I like the last four lines.

if.

I loved it when I first wrote it. Now...I can't really feel it anymore.

The first half of this poem is definitely the best. The grammatical choice is intriguing and the use of Hammer horror-style imagery really works. All my critique is, of course, JMHO (Just My Humble Opinion), and thanks very much for the read

Thanks a lot Heslopian.
The big "y" and small "i" were a given for me, because that is quite literally how I feel/felt in relation to other people, particularly with family and love interests.

The element I wanted to include in this part

as i sink into my inescapable oblivion
momentarily pulling You with me
down beneath the line of sanity.

is the fact that, in a love relationship, it seemed like I ended up bleeding my insanity and my horror-reality out onto the other person, within the relationship, and in some way, dragged them down into my horror-state with me. And like...they were these people, like if you can't swim and you are drowning in a pool and someone is standing at the edge of the pool, you frantically grasp at their heel to hold onto something solid so that you don't sink and drown. But instead, you end up yanking their foot so they lose their foothold and go off-balance a little.