Our Time
#1
2nd Draft
Our Time

Garage roofs, were made for jumps,
when Mr Kenevil did his own stunts.
Old shed doors were skateboard ramps.
and games were played under lamps.

Garden fences were made to hop,
Chinn and Chapman were kings of pop.
Chippers, Choppers, Tomahawks and Racers,
were ridden by kids with Mickey Mouse braces.

Stories of ghosts and shadows mistook,
terrified in tents, dark nights down the brook.
Den’s dug out, under a car bonnet,
shot at by an idiot with a two, two bullet.

Corner shopping for large elastic bands,
that soon became weapons in the wrong hands.
Trees stripped of berries and nest stripped of eggs,
missiles thrown, conkering, watch out, mind your heads.

White lines on grass three pots and in,
play in the nets before the match begins.
Wet leather football, your skull it could crush,
seaside specials, popped on a rose bush.

When air riffles did the job of a cat,
night walks and torch, thud of a dead rat.
Time trials, on our own assault courses,
jumping obstacles as if we were horses.

Jewelweed pops open with the lightest of touch,
walk along pipes, jeans covered in slutch.
Abseil from windows, ropes tied to beds,
one word to parents and you are dead.

Saturday wrestling in homemade ring,
fingers bent back in a special move thing.
Two fingers poised to capture the Monster Mash,
stop before the talking bit or grave yard bash.

Sunday night the one hot bath of the week,
wrapped up tight in a Flannelette sheet.
Summers lazed on ever so slow,
and we did our best to try not to grow.

Exploring the day, never seeming to tire,
running through fields then setting them on Fire.
When time, was our time.


1st draft
Garage roofs were made for jumps.
Evil Kenevil did his own stunts.
Old shed doors were skateboard ramps.
Games were played under lamps.
Garden fences were made to hop,
Chinn and Chapman were kings of pop.
Chippers, Choppers, Tomahawks and Racers,
Were ridden by kids with Mickey Mouse braces.
Stories of Blood stones and the heads it had took,
Were whispered in tents, summer down the brook.
Den’s dug out and covered with a car bonnet,
Shot at by an idiot with a 22 bullet.
Corner shops that sold huge elastic bands,
That soon became weapons in the wrong hands.
Trees stripped of berries and nest stripped of eggs
Missiles thrown for conkering, watch out mind your heads.
White lines on grass, three pots and in,
play in the nets before the match begins.
Wet leather footballs, your skull to crush,
Kevin Keegan striker’s that popped on a rose bush.
When air riffles did the job of a cat,
Night walks with torches, thud of a dead rat.
Time trials and our own assault courses,
We jumped over obstacles as if we were horses.
Exploding plants that pop with a touch,
Walk across pipes, jeans covered in slutch.
Abseil from windows on ropes tied to beds,
One word to Mum and you are dead.
Watching Saturday wrestling in homemade ring,
Fingers bent back in a Mick Mcmanus special move thing.
Two fingers poised to capture the Monster Mash,
Stop before that talking bit in a grave yard bash.
Sunday night the one bath of the week,
Bed nice and clean, wrapped tight in a Flannelette sheet.
When time seemed to move ever so slow,
We did our best to try not to grow.
Exploring our world never seeming to tire,
Running through fields then setting them on Fire.
When time was our time.
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#2
I really enjoyed this piece. Kids have great imaginations, and its a great feeling to recall. I enjoyed a lot of the little elements here ("running through fields and setting them on fire"). You have rhyming couplets, but you don't seem to be sticking to a meter... would've preferred one, personally, to complement the stream of nostalgia. For me you can also remove some of the "When"s introducing the couplets (like in S5 and S11), since the time frame is already established at the beginning of the poem and its better to let the action just flow from that point on.

Thanks for sharing Smile
PS. If you can, try your hand at giving some of the others a bit of feedback. If you already have, thanks, can you do some more?
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#3
(10-05-2012, 08:51 AM)TimeOnMyHands Wrote:  When Garage roofs were made for jumps.
Evil Kenevil did his own stunts.

Garage doors were skateboard ramps. garage doors could be something else as it's already been used
Games were played under lamps.

Garden fences were made to hop
Chinn and Chapman were kings of pop.

Chippers, Choppers, Tomahawks and Racers,
Were ridden by kids with Mickey Mouse braces.

When stories of Blood stones and the heads it had took
Were whispered in tents, summer down the brook. feels awkward

Den’s dug out and covered with a car bonnet,
Shot at by an idiot with a 22 bullet.

Corner shops that sold huge elastic bands,
That soon became weapons in the wrong hands.

Trees stripped of berries and nest stripped of eggs
Missiles thrown for conkering, watch out mind your heads.

White lines on grass, three pots and in,
Play in the nets before the match begins.

Wet leather footballs, your skull to crush,
Kevin Keegan striker’s that popped on a rose bush.

When air riffles did the job of a cat,
Night walks with torches, thud of a dead rat.

Time trials and our own assault courses,
We jumped over obstacles as if we were horses.

Exploding plants that pop with a touch,
Walk across pipes, jeans covered in slutch.

Abseil from windows on ropes tied to beds,
One word to Mum and you are dead.

Watching Saturday wrestling in homemade ring,
Fingers bent back in a Mick Mcmanus special move thing.

Two fingers poised to capture the Monster Mash,
Stop before that talking bit in a grave yard bash.

Sunday night the one bath of the week,
Bed nice and clean, wrapped tight in a Flannelette sheet.

When time seemed to move ever so slow,
We did our best to try not to grow.

Exploring our world never seeming to tire,
Running through fields then setting them on Fire.
When time was our time.
again, this one has a meter problem, some poems don't need meter, this one definitely does (look here)there are lots of good lines that are spoiled because of a few less/extra metrical feet than are required or in the wrong order.
i think if you could sort the meter out you'd have a very memorable poem.
it would obviously mean losing or adding words, but it shouldn't be overly hard.
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#4
Excited by the feedback guys, many thanks.
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#5
Have had a go at sorting the meter on this, but not sure it works ??? is it ok to have different numbers of syllables as long as they are in paired lines ?
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