Suit-wearer man

[Chaotic Body]

Mirror, mirror on the wall-
Who is the most untouchable
And cushioned from fall?

'Cause bees and ants don't matter.
I need the Chinamen in check,
Four metal doors for the gold bricks
And cryogenics, is all.

Don't worry about defeated humane-ity,
My mirrored friend- nor the water;
Nor the fish-fleas nor the excuses
Drawn for embezzlement of the poor.

'Cause the world's for the strong,
Why- whoever can stomach it!
It's always been this way, mirror-
Of this I'm vehemently sure.



--

all criticism welcome

I'm trying to think of this as I would read a fairytale- it seems to help. I'm not sure but I *think* this particular "mirror mirror" framework is making it easier to read? How would I go about doing this without it?

On reading this a couple of times I realize I should try to be more poetic using some imagery? I know this is a weak area, but what about other areas?

Tried to make it bounce quite well. I am really happy with that last verse and what it means to me. It feels perfect for tying it up.

[rowens]

Are those dashes or hyphens, or both. Do you mean "fish-fleas", or is it a dash like "Mirror, mirror on the wall-"? The "untouchable" is that a play on both being protected, and the "Chinamen" as a lower caste? I think maybe you mean that the chinese are building the technology to make the suit-wearer man rich. And the suit-wearer man is talking to himself in the mirror, as to his conscience.

[just mercedes]

Maybe the title should be Suit-wearing man?

Mirror, mirror on the wall-
Who is the most untouchable
And cushioned from fall? I like the 'fall' here, a link to fall from grace, the fall of man, but also the season, so aging

'Cause bees and ants don't matter. The Narrator sees himself as far above the crowd of workers?
I need the Chinamen in check,
Four metal doors for the gold bricks
And cryogenics, is all.

Don't worry about defeated humane-ity, not sure humane-ity works
My mirrored friend- nor the water;
Nor the fish-fleas nor the excuses
Drawn for embezzlement of the poor. I lose a sense of what is happening in this strophe. Maybe if you decided which are hyphens and which are en or em dashes it would make more sense to me

'Cause the world's for the strong,
Why- whoever can stomach it!
It's always been this way, mirror-
Of this I'm vehemently sure. I like N arguing with himself; this reminds me a bit of how Lady Macbeth had to 'unsex' herself in order to kill.



The parts I didn't understand - from the Chinaman to the fish-fleas - are probably references to something in your own world which I don't share. I thought China - controlling money - but I'm left with the impression that the suit-wearing man is trying to stay focused on winning at all costs, and to ignore his conscience.

This was a thought-provoking read - thank you!

--

all criticism welcome

I'm trying to think of this as I would read a fairytale- it seems to help. I'm not sure but I *think* this particular "mirror mirror" framework is making it easier to read? How would I go about doing this without it?

On reading this a couple of times I realize I should try to be more poetic using some imagery? I know this is a weak area, but what about other areas?

Tried to make it bounce quite well. I am really happy with that last verse and what it means to me. It feels perfect for tying it up.

[billy]

Mirror, mirror on the wall-
Who is the most untouchable the most isn't needed as untouchable is an absolute
And cushioned from fall? a fall' would read better

'Cause bees and ants don't matter.
I need the Chinamen in check,
Four metal doors for the gold bricks
And cryogenics, is all. sounds like a new world order is being discussed.

Don't worry about defeated humane-ity,
My mirrored friend- nor the water;
Nor the fish-fleas nor the excuses
Drawn for embezzlement of the poor. the rhetoric is becoming pointless and personal

'Cause the world's for the strong,
Why- whoever can stomach it!
It's always been this way, mirror-
Of this I'm vehemently sure. i think it needs a stronger question and answer.



--

all criticism welcome

I'm trying to think of this as I would read a fairytale- it seems to help. I'm not sure but I *think* this particular "mirror mirror" framework is making it easier to read? How would I go about doing this without it?

On reading this a couple of times I realize I should try to be more poetic using some imagery? I know this is a weak area, but what about other areas?

Tried to make it bounce quite well. I am really happy with that last verse and what it means to me. It feels perfect for tying it up.

while mirror mirror is has a fairytail connection, noting else does. if that's your aim, then carry the thought throughout the poem. talk of jack and the beanstalk and the golden goose etc. or just stick to the snow white theme by using little men, apple, mines.

thanks for the read.

[Philatone]

hey chaotic

Mirror, mirror on the wall-
Who is the most untouchable...in terms of flow, this line felt a bit bogged down with too many syllables. the "the" could be dropped. on a side-note, are there degrees of being 'untouchable'?
And cushioned from fall?

'Cause bees and ants don't matter....could drop the "Cause"
I need the Chinamen in check,...the connection between bees, ants, and Chinamen i'm missing. maybe it's a bar joke?
Four metal doors for the gold bricks...need the "four"? not entirely sure of the significance. again, "the" doesn't feel needed--those 'gold bricks' are new information to me.
And cryogenics, is all.

Don't worry about defeated humane-ity,
My mirrored friend- nor the water;
Nor the fish-fleas nor the excuses
Drawn for embezzlement of the poor....this stanza is a bit direct and preachy ("don't worry...." is a tough way to start a line)

'Cause the world's for the strong,
Why- whoever can stomach it!
It's always been this way, mirror-
Of this I'm vehemently sure....for some reason, I'm liking this last line. in general, the connections between everything that happened in the piece escaped me

when I read this, I can't help but feel that this is a poem begging for a form. not too picky as to which, but I think some structure/ meter would work wonders and perhaps bring out this fairy-tale idea more. take a look at some of the practices leanne and other have done in the other sections of the boards; I think it could be a fun challenge to make this one conform.

[Alden]

I love the concept of this poem. I see it as a vain businessman looking at himself in the mirror, wishing for wealth power and eternal life. You draw a great parallel to the wicked queen of Snow White. Though jarring, I like the throwing in of cryogenics... it's effectively absurd.

You are getting the most criticism on Stanza 3 for good reason. It is not the weakest stanza, in my opinion, but it is the most important. If you look at the layout of your images: water, fish fleas, the poor. now the fleas DO continue your insect motif from staza 2, but also weirdly coalesces with the water it directly follows. I think that was intentional, but I don't find it effective. Your image layout doesn't seem to set up your stanza end and that may be why some find it preachy rather than essential. The water seems to be pollution... if you could think of another way to conjure up more harm done by businesses, then the third image might seem inevitable rather than random and "preachy"

The fourth stanza is an adequate button, but I find "whoever can stomach it" to be a bit weak. Some variety here, some image something else might bring your point home better.

Your rhyme scheme is interesting... it might be cool to rhyme the second lines with each other as well as the fourth. and maybe add another line to stanza 1 for unity's sake?