The Birth of Kainu

[Fargoer]

Hello everyone,

I'd like to hear what you think about my poem. The Birth of Kainu is a poem that tells the beginning of the world of Fargoer, my series of fantasy short stories. The style and metric of the poem is Trochee in the original language (Finnish), while the English version is rhymed poetry.

"Before a time, before a place
Before the man and beast
The endless sea, so dark and vast
Reached round from west to east

From the depths now grew a cliff
A cliff so big and white
Rising from the shoreless sea
A shard in ocean's might

All alone were sea and stone
Until the Seagull came
A bird of sea, a bird of stone
Without a home or name

He found the stone, he found the cliff
He laid his nest in peace
At last he thought, the time has come
The endless search will cease

But bitter was the lonely sea
Its hate flowed cold and dark
It raised a wave from murky depths
Destruction at its mark

There was the rock, there was the nest
All torn down with the wave
It blew the nest and blew the bird
Took eggs to watery grave

The bird of sea, the bird of stone
Rose high on wings of gold
He opened up his beak and let
His magic song unfold

His golden eggs all torn and wet
Transformed under his might
To earth and sky he changed them all
To shine he made sun bright

All of this and so much more
He built with words said true
The land of life, the land of death
All this his magic grew

There was the world, so beautiful
So beautiful but bare
He took the last of golden eggs
Caressed it with much care

From it he drew the best of all
His work of finest birth
A beast, a bird, a fish in sea
All beings on this earth

Then he did it all again
For we all need a mate
But when he got to humankind
Wise bird could see our fate

“You shall walk this earth alone
I shall not give a bride
You'll bring forth the great turmoil
That lasts till all have died”

So it was the bitter man
Went on his way alone
Fishing in the empty sea
With endless wail and groan

“Oh I am the poorest soul
Without a love or care
Fishes rotting in the sun
And no one here to share"

Suddenly from darkest sea
An eerie voice did say
"I can make a woman too
But there's a price to pay

She will be fine, she will be fair
She is what you have craved
She has a mind of sharpened blade
She has your soul enslaved

She cooks your fish, she makes you strong
She burns your love as fuel
You shall do everything she wants
Your people, she will rule

Shall I give this woman then
Creature of highest might
To carry and give birth to you
To be your brightest light?”

Man was eager to respond
"I want her as my own
Unite us now, o eerie voice
I loathe to live alone"

In the sea the work was done
Under the depths unknown
Flesh was made from fishy hides
Skin from grasses sown
From the stream the blood was boiled
Scales so tough to bone

Girl of highest might was done
To carry and give birth
Quivers through man's world would run
She was her payment's worth

So begins the tale of the people known as the Kainu"

More info on the books can be found at http://www.fargoer.com. I'm very interested in hearing your thoughts and opinions.

-Petteri Hannila-

[billy]

it's a little weak in places but you know what. i read it all the way through a few times and really enjoyed doing so.
one line i had some trouble with was

Took eggs to watery grave

i read watery as wart/er/ree; which gives it an extra half foot. other might read it as wart/ree though so i'd wait a short while. you can have a link in your signature if you wish but we're not too keen on having them in a post. (the site would get spammed to shit basically

i think as a piece of poetry it works well. the rhymes are good and the meter isn't that bad that it flows badly. because of the type of poem it is i was okay as well with the repetitions. it has a feel of the christian version mixed with a viking version. i enjoyed it Petteri

can you leave feedback on a poem or two so as to be fair? thanks.

[addy]

I agree. Not perfect, but still a smooth and very enjoyable read. i really got into it. "watery grave" was fine for me . There were a few lines that I think could be improved. "All of this and so much more", you could lose... it has no action and neither does it say much. "He took the last of golden eggs" is a bit awkward and forced... you'd be better off with 'he took the final golden egg' or something.

Thanks for sharing

[Fargoer]

Thanks for the feedback, I'll surely appreciate it.

Writing the English versions has been an intriguing task, since my native language is Finnish. The original versions are in trochee format (Kalevala-meter) that does not translate well into English, especially not by a non-native speaker.

The stories themselves contain short poems, that have been translated in the same fashion as this. Translation is actually a bit wrong term, they have been re-written with the same mood as the original one has.

I'll surely check on the other poems and give some reviews as you suggested.

Best regards
-Petteri Hannila-

[billy]

looking forward to it petteri