Boxcar

[only rob]

Rules pertaining to a Boxcar Metaphor




Citizens of the multiverse
may not ride a boxcar metaphor
to Venus, fly a Harley
to enlightenment
or escape respective compartments
but Venus, akin to freedom
is a valid concept

like sentient geraniums
or naked poets
dancing to internal rhyme
outside their cubicles
at midnight

beyond the shackles
of academy

[rowens]

If there is a canon of acceptable metaphors, those that metaphorically guard and uphold it are ever in danger of metaphorically being killed. But when you shoot them, they can always say that they're wearing a metaphorical special suit that shields bullets and knives or attacks of any kind.

The poem here makes its point well. It gets to sneak in its unacceptable metaphors with multiple effect.

[billy]

Rules pertaining to a Boxcar Metaphor




Citizens of the multiverse
may not ride a boxcar metaphor
to Venus, fly a Harley
to enlightenment
or escape respective compartments
but Venus, akin to freedom
is a valid concept

like sentient geraniums
or naked poets
dancing to internal rhyme
outside their cubicles
at midnight

beyond the shackles
of academy

it starts off a bit like a metaphorical stop sign it's a clever little devil. when or if you break it down, it uses designated (by the poet) unusable metaphors in order to make a metaphorical point.

every thing works in the piece and i enjoyed it a lot.

thanks for the read.

[tectak]

Rules pertaining to a Boxcar Metaphor

There is more to this on a subsequent read than an initial overview would indicate. I am uncertain of the motivation behind the piece and so will pick one possibility and then comment from that platform. It is not long enough to encapsulate a mulled point....that's fine...but to me, it simply says " Bugger off...let me write as I want to write". Metaphors noted, here goes. (Almost asking for trouble)


Citizens of the multiverse
may not ride a boxcar metaphor A metaphor with an adjective in front of is is unusual except as a qualification (good, bad, complex etc) I struggled a little with the need to visualise a "boxcar metaphor" then decided to just ride it. Then it hit me. The "may not" is dual-meaning. It is either permissive or conditional. If it is conditional then the "but" comes very late. Too late perhaps. The effect is to leave the "but Venus, akin to freedom" out on a bit of a limb. In other words, the conditionality of "may not ride a boxcar" is not answered sensibly by "but Venus, akin to freedom". The two conditions do not pair. Apart from this it is a well worded stanza. Perhaps a colon after "compartments"
to Venus, fly a Harley
to enlightenment
or escape respective compartments
but Venus, akin to freedom
is a valid concept

like sentient geraniums
or naked poets
dancing to internal rhyme
outside their cubicles
at midnightA bit cryptic, this, but in the spirit of the piece. I like the unexpected "sentient" when wanting to read "scented". I still don't understand it, though.

beyond the shackles
of academy

As a readable collection of words it is, to me, just fine. The lack of rhythm, rhyme and punctuation leaves the whole piece lacking in purpose. I am criticised for asking this question but I only ask because I do not know....why did you write it? What point was there, is there, should there need to be?
Best,
tectak