Narcissists In Love

[rowens]

Sometimes when I get tired
of talking to myself
and all the parts
—out there somewhere:
I take the mirror from its place
and write on the wall behind us.

When I get angry at the telephone
because it won't talk,
I throw it behind us, too.—
There are more holes than there are words.
And I can't get sentimental about the cracks.

Any time I want, I can tear the wall down;
but so far, there's been nothing but the wall between us
for me to write my words on.
—So you think it's the only thing
that keeps me talking.

That I see nothing but the desired object;
that I desire nothing beyond the thin reflection of myself
covering the smooth distance, and soft holes
I’m not allowed to get sentimental about.

But I won't get mental either.
I have my thoughts,
everyone has thoughts.
I’m looking for something with more substance,
than mere images and words.

More thoughts than to slide on and off
the wall.
Leaving nothing but raw traces of my love
held up by your protection
from the birth of a separate object
between us.

With nothing but dancing by the bed,
and tortured knife pokes in the mattress.—
We're both narcissists in love.
You think with nothing between our hopeful touch
that one of us will kill us.

[heslopian]

Sometimes when I get tired
of talking to myself
and all the parts
—out there somewhere: Is that dash needed? It flaws the syntax for me.
I take the mirror from its place
and write on the wall behind us. Who's us? The narrator and mirror? EDIT: "Us" is of course the lovers in this poem, sorry.

When I get angry at the telephone
because it won't talk,
I throw it behind us, too.— I like these lines, though I don't think this dash is needed.
There are more holes than there are words. Good stuff.
And I can't get sentimental about the cracks.

Any time I want, I can tear the wall down;
but so far, there's been nothing but the wall between us I like these two lines. I sense fear and frustration in them, maybe even denial.
for me to write my words on.
—So you think it's the only thing I won't mention the fourth dash, so I'll just say here that I don't think any of them are needed. JMHO.
that keeps me talking.

That I see nothing but the desired object;
that I desire nothing beyond the thin reflection of myself
covering the smooth distance, and soft holes
I’m not allowed to get sentimental about.

But I won't get mental either.
I have my thoughts,
everyone has thoughts.
I’m looking for something with more substance, I probably would have deleted "with more substance" simply to avoid labouring the metaphor, but that's a small point.
than mere images and words.

More thoughts than to slide on and off Is "than" needed?
the wall.
Leaving nothing but raw traces of my love
held up by your protection
from the birth of a separate object
between us.

With nothing but dancing by the bed,
and tortured knife pokes in the mattress.—
We're both narcissists in love. I really like this line.
You think with nothing between our hopeful touch
that one of us will kill us.

Cool poem, rowens, thanks for the read, and I hope you don't mind my critique (I forgot this was miscellaneous)

[rowens]

The dashes have to do with my phrasing, they guide me in the tone of the lines if giving them a dramatic reading. Pauses for hesitation, or to digest what I've just said. I don't know how a reader considers dashes like that, but I use them as "stage directions" more than as normal punctuation. To change the tone in phrasing.

[billy]

the only real constructive feedback is that i really like it.

I take the mirror from its place
and write on the wall behind us. i like how the 'us' is only you (you and your reflection) and a seeming alter ego.
the theme continues. the us in the penultimate stanza changes to two separate people and back again in the last stanza. (it's how i see it )

the dashes do hinder because i find myself thing about them instead of thinking about where the poems taking me.

a great solid poem