Godzilla vs. Little Boy revision 2

[Aish]

I'm going to be totally honest here. I was going to critique this, and after everything that has been said (ESPECIALLY Dale's history lesson) I have nothing to say.

Todd, I love your work. Rock on.

[Todd]

Thanks Aish

My next poem (if I ever get to it with this job change--2 weeks notice can drag out sometimes) should be less historical and more irreverent (or lame if I'm unable to pull it off). I appreciate the kind words.

[Leanne]

Revision 1
Godzilla vs. Little Boy
a postmodern fable

The cherry blossom
withers on the branch
echo of voices
--anonymous -- a lovely way to open, it sets the scene straight away as a contrast between what was and what is

You would have us believe
man did this to man—
truth fermented into such
bitter vintage. -- excellent juxtaposition against the 'ku, direct accusation vs indirect contemplation

Only a plane, a parachute,
and a child’s tantrum:
we reject this narrative.

Your monster fell
from the sky. Ours
have always been
beneath the surface. -- again these contrasts, not denying possession of monsters but rejecting the imposition of the foreign ones

Truth is in the breath that lit the horizon,
a burning afterimage shaming the sun,
in the cloud that rose
above the water, in the quiet

that seeps into each of us,
into the bones leaving us aphasic,
words reduced to faint scratches
in the dirt. -- this stanza and the one before are incredibly poignant -- "leaving us aphasic" conjures the images of the shadows on the streets of Hiroshima

We witnessed the city’s reprisal.
Roof tiles spun like propellers -- nice link to the planes
into the air
under a shroud of dark rain.

The blackened bodies continue
to clog the river.
Death it seems always comes
from the water.

The crater is his footprint.
The only truth is
that no one escaped
the rationalization that if we kill
there will be peace. -- these four lines I find just a little too heavy handed, maybe even preachy -- at the moment I can't think of a suggestion though, sorry

Gojira, Gojira, Gojira

Apologies if I'm repeating what's already been said, Todd, I haven't read any other comments -- but I really like this, it's a very powerful poem that's rich in allusion, the very best kind

[Todd]

Thank you Leanne. I appreciate the read and the comments. Another person I know mentioned the final lines too, and I was also thinking about penguin's call out on rationalization. Maybe end the poem on escaped?

Best,

Todd

[Leanne]

That would work, I think

[Todd]

Hmmm and now that I look at it that break would lead into Gojira, Gojira, Gojira nicely.

[Erthona]

Version 2 works better for me. I think limiting it to, or more clearly making it about whether it was Godzilla or Little Boy puts it more on the level of mythos which makes it more powerful as well as insightful. Sorry for the history lesson Aish.

Dale

[billy]

i agree about the escape ending. but only now it's been mentioned,

[Todd]

Thanks for weighing in guys.

[heslopian]

I've decided to read only the latest revision, because I assume that that's the version you want newcomers to see. It's a very powerful poem, filled with more art and craftsmanship than Roland Emmerich's Godzilla As this is a postmodern fable, I'm guessing that Godzilla is symbolic. Just like those nameless Japanese tourists in those hoary old movies, our bodies clog the rivers and no-one escapes death, whether it be dished out by a giant mutant lizard or time.

"Your monster fell
from the sky. Ours
have always been
beneath the surface."

This verse makes me wonder if the Godzilla angle is a metaphor for war. A bomb ("monster") falling from the sky, underground weaponry ("ours" "beneath the surface"), kind of like the fight between American and Vietnam forces. I'm no doubt woefully misinterpreting this, partly because of my stubborn refusal to read anything (including comments) but the second revision and derive my comment from that. If this approach doesn't bring you an enlightened critique, I hope it gives you the perspective of someone reading this poem for the first time.
Either way, I thoroughly enjoyed this strange slice of postmodernism, even if it baffles me at times. Thanks for the read

[Todd]

Thank you Jack. I appreciate your comments and thoughts.