reflected love

[mongodeath]

sunset so exquisite
reflected in the cool serene water
like a perfect mirror image
quietly we sit watching
holding each other a moment so
so immortalized
so amazing
so profoundly perfect
unequaled
one moment with you is more gratifying
then anything i could ever even dream of
a moment in time that
seams like it could never end
my heart dances joyfully
as our eyes meet
to look into your eyes
is to look into the vast beauty of the universe
stars twinkle
suns burn
planets explode threw your eyes
as the sun flows out of sight
we lean into each other for a kiss
i feel you even before we touch
your lips so soft
so sweet
as our tongues linger
feeling each other
we are tossed into utter darkness
but the darkness cant invade in this kiss
inside this kiss is a blinding warm light
a glow that could light the world

[Philatone]

hey mongo!
some quick, brief thoughts to consider (you may want to check your spelling throughout this)

sunset so exquisite
reflected in the cool serene water
like a perfect mirror image
quietly we sit watching ...for me, the poem starts here
holding each other a moment so
so immortalized
so amazing
so profoundly perfect...rather than giving me vague adjectives, you could describe how the moment is "immortalized", or what exactly is so "amazing". as is, you are moving too quickly. i would like the moment to be slowed down
unequaled
one moment with you is more gratifying
then anything i could ever even dream of
a moment in time that
seams like it could never end ...this description is a bit vague
my heart dances joyfully
as our eyes meet
to look into your eyes ...in another way, this could be the start of the poem here
is to look into the vast beauty of the universe
stars twinkle
suns burn
planets explode threw your eyes
as the sun flows out of sight
we lean into each other for a kiss
i feel you even before we touch
your lips so soft
so sweet
as our tongues linger
feeling each other
we are tossed into utter darkness
but the darkness cant invade in this kiss
inside this kiss is a blinding warm light
a glow that could light the world...ok, you have an ending image. to make it stronger, dropping "could" would make the image feel more definite and powerful

there are a number of ideas that come across as cliched and common. Finding new ways to express the same ideas could really make the poem stand out more as your own. there are some good bases of images to improve, so i hope you work on this!

[billy]

hi mongo

i'd suggest cutting at least two thirds of poem away.

so
so immortalized
so amazing
so profoundly perfect
unequaled
one moment with you is more gratifying
then anything i could ever even dream of
a moment in time that
seams like it could never end
my heart dances joyfully
as our eyes meet
to look into your eyes
is to look into the vast beauty of the universe
stars twinkle
suns burn

instead put something original in there, something that doesn't repeat the what was previously said.

there are other similar blocks of cliche. all it takes is to put down what you see, not what you've heard or read elsewhere. for instance, do you see the 4 so's?
no, of course not we can't see a so
and the four big words associated with them create an image or an idea to demonstration or show what they mean.

immortalized could = burnt onto the retina of the universe.

some of the spelling needs correcting as well.
at the end you have 8 lines about a kiss, try and make it two or at most three. keep as short as you possibly can and cut what doesn't add anything.

the core of the poem is there, you just have to dress it in something solid.

thanks for the read.