Breathless

[Universalchild]

Breathless;
silver orbs of air
slip upwards to freedom.
Time is tidal slow,
these last moments diluted,
forever flow.

Distorted faces and
smudged shadows
like the tendrils
of black hair
that drift over my face,
and the shimmering sun
breaks into white patterns,
ethereal, weightless, rushing.

Bound by their holy fears,
let the darkness be free,
blinded by this fall of tears,
but the darkness is me.

floating
All I have is into eternity...

and everything there is black.

[billy]

i think it;s too impersonal, and needs some images. the poem has ample opportunity.
can she see through the water, can she look up top the surface, what's happening to her.
as the reader i want to experience or at least know what she's experiencing.

i quite like the ending. but the body of the poem needs to be really brought out into the readers world.

[Universalchild]

Yeah you know I was thinking that when I posted it. It really lacks imagery. I will work on that. Added a bit.

[Philatone]

hey universal

not quite a fan of the last couple of lines--they strike as not being entirely flesh and too dramatic to get much of a response from me.

initially when I read, I thought "Breathless" would actually make a stronger title than a first line to the piece. I liked elements of the first and second stanzas the most (though I think they could each lose some lines); as the poem progressed and became more and more abstract, I felt my own ground slipping as the reader.

the poem presents some assumptions ("not until they have defeated/their own ritual belief of evil") that I wasn't sure I followed fully. As of now, I'm seeing a cult or ceremony of some sort

[Universalchild]

What do you mean by not being entirely flesh? It is meant to be dramatic, as it is her slipping into death, which I'd imagine feels fairly intense at the time, but I understand what you mean.

Which lines could they lose? I'm sure it could be tightened up but I don't know what could be cut without losing something from the poem. The last lines are meant to have a more personal thought-type feel to them as the person loses conciousness. I've never drowned before but I have a friend who did nearly drown and he said it was peaceful and thoughtful once you started losing conciousness and couldn't panic any more. I'm just basing it on that, really, so I could be wrong.

Assumptions? Sorry if I'm being dense : P But I just don't really know what you mean by that.

It isn't a cult, but it is a ceremony. It is an ancient buddhist ritual which is meant to purge a demon from a person (in this case, a teenage girl) - by dunking them in water. A lot of rituals involve dunking so really it could apply to any of them. In this situation, and it is based on a true story, she simply drowned because they were over-zealous and held her under for too long.

[Leanne]

It isn't a cult, but it is a ceremony. It is an ancient buddhist ritual which is meant to purge a demon from a person (in this case, a teenage girl) - by dunking them in water. A lot of rituals involve dunking so really it could apply to any of them. In this situation, and it is based on a true story, she simply drowned because they were over-zealous and held her under for too long.

If you're talking about the case in Japan where a teenage girl was "exorcised" by her father and a monk, it was a cult -- the Nakayama Shingo Shusho, a "Buddhist" offshoot that is rejected by other Buddhists. Buddhism doesn't recognise demons as it has no place for good or evil. There are purification ceremonies involving water, but they are certainly not exorcisms.

That doesn't mean, of course, that the poem itself is wrong. I feel it would be much stronger without Western religious words such as "devil" though. Also, there are cliches such as "unleash the beast" (which is not made less cliche by using inverted commas) that could be removed. The first two stanzas are quite strong as they are "showing" -- when you move to "telling" the poem becomes less interesting to me.

[billy]

these last moments diluted,
forever flow.

if you remove any lines like the ones above you'll tighten the poem up
allow to use it's own lungs as it were. often these sort of lines restrict a good poem.
the edit is a big improvement, now you need to trim away ate the bindings.

[Universalchild]

It isn't a cult, but it is a ceremony. It is an ancient buddhist ritual which is meant to purge a demon from a person (in this case, a teenage girl) - by dunking them in water. A lot of rituals involve dunking so really it could apply to any of them. In this situation, and it is based on a true story, she simply drowned because they were over-zealous and held her under for too long.

If you're talking about the case in Japan where a teenage girl was "exorcised" by her father and a monk, it was a cult -- the Nakayama Shingo Shusho, a "Buddhist" offshoot that is rejected by other Buddhists. Buddhism doesn't recognise demons as it has no place for good or evil. There are purification ceremonies involving water, but they are certainly not exorcisms.

That doesn't mean, of course, that the poem itself is wrong. I feel it would be much stronger without Western religious words such as "devil" though. Also, there are cliches such as "unleash the beast" (which is not made less cliche by using inverted commas) that could be removed. The first two stanzas are quite strong as they are "showing" -- when you move to "telling" the poem becomes less interesting to me.

I don't remember it being Japan, but I don't really recall the country at all so it could be, but it was definitely a monk drowning a girl, so it is probably that story. However, when I read up about it, from various sources, none of them mentioned the cult - I assumed it wasn't really a buddhist practice, but a cultural practice being used by local buddhists. Buuut, mind you, it was just news articles, and they are often pretty vague around that sort of thing. In that case, it is a cult.

I'll think over what you've said for the edit.

these last moments diluted,
forever flow.

if you remove any lines like the ones above you'll tighten the poem up
allow to use it's own lungs as it were. often these sort of lines restrict a good poem.
the edit is a big improvement, now you need to trim away ate the bindings.

I'll think on what you've suggested, thanks!

[Philatone]

just to clarify a bit (this may take my critique from mild to serious, so a warning before I begin)

by flesh i meant to type "fleshed out" (sorry!). I'm not entirely sure what "All I have is into eternity" means. I do like how you turn "eternity" into a place in the last line (everything "there" is black). that being said, it was a bit abstract

I didn't want to go too heavily into the lines I'd look at again to keep it mild. Specifically, lines that I was considering included:

air like orbs of silver: I feel as though similes often make one object appear more relatable. unfortunately, "orbs of silver" does no such thing for me because my mind can only take the image so far. perhaps combining them in a metaphor would have a stronger effect (e.g., silver orbs of air slip upwards---it would also let you play with the /s/ sounds more)


Distorted faces and smudged shadows--while they add a bit to the setting, they do not strike me as being as crucial as the other images you have (the sun, the hair). The other images receive much more attention and description. the "shadows and faces" feel more like extra

"beautiful" has lost its impact because it is so common; elaborating on what it means to you can only help your cause

But they won't let go,
not until they have defeated
their own ritual belief of evil

this reads like a report to me; rather than letting the reader imagine and decide for himself, the words control interpretation. they tell rather than show. when that happens, it can weaken the relationship a reader has with a piece

i hope this can explain what i saw to some degree

[Universalchild]

Thanks a lot guys, I've done another edit.

@Philatone

Great advice, thanks, I'll definitely use some of it.

It's abstract for two reasons - first of all, I think dying probably is quite an abstract process in itself, due to the release of DMT in your brain that gives you feelings of euphoria and even hallucinations. DMT naturally occurs in the human brain and it is believed to be connected with dreaming and dying, which explains why people report euphoria and religious/unusual visions when they have had a near-death experience. Based on that, I would imagine that death is a calm and surreal process. And secondly, I think it is more... Er, poetic, to end the poem that way, rather then just be like, "and she died" or whatever : p Having a poem from someones perspective as they die isn't something I've seen a lot of, so I don't have much to work against.

[billy]

do you have the original we can compare it with pheadra?

[Universalchild]

Ah rubbish, I forgot to keep it on here. Uhm, I can't find it on this computer, but it might be one my brothers computer.

[rowens]

It's important that the poet here cares about the subject, and wants to maintain that feeling in the writing. Caring about the speaker's experience as important to the integrity of the poem. But then there's the theory of technique. What you could try is shaving "to freedom", "slow", and "diluted" from the first stanza. The ending, a muddled ball of dying senses is trying in your last lines to make a clear statement, that is fine. Another example to think on: floating All I have left is in eternity... where everything is black.