The Assassin

[heslopian]

Train is late again. Think I'll have a chicken sandwich
today, with lots of mayonnaise. Hell, I've earned it.
Summer tickles my arsehole. Am I nervous?
I don't know. I'm not sweating, and right now
what's important is how long they've been storing
the mayonnaise. Last week I killed a mother.
Skinny mare with a brunette mane. Shot her once.
Always once. I'm tidy like that. I thought about her kids,
somewhere buying ice cream or riding the dodgems.
Lover was a thoughtful mug. He'd bought the hit,
told me not to hurt her much, take her by surprise
if I could. Married with kids of his own. Nice face.

I thought about God as a kid. Not so much anymore.
If he's real he ain't benevolent. Opposite are trees.
They're benevolent, those long kind fingers.
Down the platform a couple of dykes browse a stall,
whispering in each others' ears. I don't understand.
How can you care about another human being
when human beings like me exist?

[billy]

no line by line here , just some general feedback
i enjoyed the read hough i'd call it prose poetry. the 1st three lines of the 2nd stanza were impressive, and the 1st person narrative works well.
if i had a suggestion it would be to try different enjambment and line lengths. some of the phrases look like they'd be better own their own line;
If he's real he ain't benevolent.
I thought about God as a kid.

they're more lines in the first stanza that could stand out better on their own line as well but i'm sure it's all about choice so i won't point them out, just suggest you see anything that stands out.

the last line sounds a bit cheesy i did enjoy the read. and it's great to see you put a poem up jack

thanks

[heslopian]

Thanks for the kind feedback, Bilbo This one was written a while ago, around the same time as The Savages (if you remember that) during a first person narrative phase. I wondered if that last sentence was a bit cheesy. I might remove it, as it feels too neat and obvious.

[Leanne]

Definitely rethink the last lines, Jack.

I'm not keen on the awkward marriage of film noir baddie and London cabbie in the language you use. "Summer tickles my arsehole" and "lover was a thoughtful mug" vs "skinny mare with a brunette mane" and "if he's real he ain't benevolent". Without authenticity of character, the whole thing falls apart.

Also, who would say "brunette mane"? If a "mare" is his code word, wouldn't he continue the analogy with something like "chestnut mane"?

The musings are good, but the vessel is a little flawed just now.

[heslopian]

Thanks for the thoughtful feedback, Leanne Alas I didn't have much of an idea who the character was exactly when I wrote this, which shows.

[penguin]

I'd echo the advice about characterisation.Might be nice to swap the last verse around a bit:

I thought about God as a kid. Not so much anymore.
If he's real he ain't benevolent.
Down the platform a couple of dykes browse a stall,
whispering in each others' ears. Opposite are trees.
They are benevolent, long kind fingers.