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OK I'm putting it in the Arse (pardon the pun). I still wanted real feedback, but the silence led me to believe it was in the wrong place.
Because I Can
It's hard to wake each day
fighting to stay king
of my proverbial jungle,
hard to have reputation
of any kind
and as I fade
from the faces present
from the page
and even from memory,
do not assume from my silence
that I'll relinquish rule
and fall without a fight.
Do not trust my words.
Fading is a bitter business.
I will write you into a corner
and having put you there
grope and molest your sentiment.
I am the snake
lying in ambush
with no need to hunt,
who carefully marks your paths
knows your failings,
who can wait as long as it takes.
Welcome to the world where I am king
where I punish you for trusting
with each line
with you
still reading like it's leading somewhere
like the ending will pull you through
and then you'll pat my poetic back
and say this one is better than the last
or at least it didn't make you sick,
still throwing those hurt glances
that search for reasons
as if written upon my surface.
I rape the reader because I can
in ten minute increments of anger.
The act itself is a warning
that comes too late
comes after the fact.
Reading this line causes cancer.
Reading this line soils your innocence.
Your well-worn paths, your pauses for breath
your earnest anticipation
all lead to an untimely ending.
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The silence is more likely because it's early Saturday morning and we haven't had our coffee yet 
I'm in the middle of an assignment (not an assignation, which would be much more interesting) and not up for much critical thinking just now, but I'll get back when I can give you something of quality.
It could be worse
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That's cool I was just thinking I put it in the wrong forum so I moved it in case it was too arsenine.
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(08-18-2012, 07:11 AM)braggman Wrote: sometimes we have a quiet spell and sometimes a poem gets passed over or ignored by accident (not on purpose  )
OK I'm putting it in the Arse (pardon the pun). I still wanted real feedback, but the silence led me to believe it was in the wrong place.
Because I Can
It's hard to wake each day
fighting to stay king
of my proverbial jungle,
hard to have reputation
of any kind
and as I fade
from the faces present
from the page
and even from memory,
do not assume from my silence
that I'll relinquish rule
and fall without a fight. needs a break or two in the stanza, the 1st stanza feels too vague to see anything solid. that said the forgotten part has an ethereal quality to it as though the first person is the text
Do not trust my words.
Fading is a bitter business.
I will write you into a corner
and having put you there
grope and molest your sentiment.
I am the snake
lying in ambush
with no need to hunt, lying in ambush is definitely hunting 
who carefully marks your paths
knows your failings,
who can wait as long as it takes. cliche
Welcome to the world where I am king
where I punish you for trusting
with each line
with you
still reading like it's leading somewhere
like the ending will pull you through
and then you'll pat my poetic back
and say this one is better than the last not quite so fast 
or at least it didn't make you sick,
still throwing those hurt glances
that search for reasons
as if written upon my surface.
I rape the reader because I can a very strong line and a good one
in ten minute increments of anger. why ten minute increments?
The act itself is a warning
that comes too late
comes after the fact. cliche
Reading this line causes cancer.
Reading this line soils your innocence. this in tandem wit the rape line works well
Your well-worn paths, your pauses for breath
your earnest anticipation
all lead to an untimely ending.
i think i get what's being done though i'm not sure if it works. it's a novel idea, a talking poem or piece of writing that demands or threatens or explains it's power etc. (if it's not phrased well i'm sure you know what i mean? ) but it feels like it's lacking that spark that actually gives the thing life. i think it's the beginning that's letting the rest of the poem down. it tries to imbue something we know nothing off with something we know nothing about. i'd suggest trying to give some hint in that first two lines. a reference point, not too bad a read though. and doesn't need a massive edit.
thanks for the read and sorry for not replying sooner
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08-20-2012, 09:28 AM
(This post was last modified: 08-21-2012, 11:20 AM by billy.)
Apologies for missing this... sometimes the forum just has slow days
Agree with billy about this piece having an interesting core idea, but being a bit lacking in execution. What hurt the piece, I felt, were the many lines that don't really add anything: "of any kind", "with each line", "with you" ... they simply don't say enough to stand on their own, and you're better off either merging them with other lines or getting rid of them altogether. As they are now, they just give the poem a lazy pace for no reason. Just a little trim will do wonders for this piece
placed back in serious now that it's had some attention.
PS. If you can, try your hand at giving some of the others a bit of feedback. If you already have, thanks, can you do some more?
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I was going to do a line-by, but I don't think that would get at what my gut is telling me about the piece. I don't think the form is the best. Perhaps a meter would give the piece more direction. Otherwise, at times it feels as though we are left with some lines that deserve more emphasis and others that only get us from A to B; there seems to be a decent amount of filler. I think a meter would help you weed out the necessary from the excess.
again, just my own take on it. there are elements to enjoy (I liked the snake image, though it didn't lead where I wanted it to), but it comes off as a bit too direct and unfocused at times.
Written only for you to consider.
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Thanks all. I will rewrite this soon while the iron is hot. It was indented to be a. bit cliche(snake in the grass, aged king, long as it takes, king of the damned jungle. Maybe I should have made this irony a bit more campy as self-awareness since I'm already playing narrator. Addy, I was going for a light quick rant. I dont' want to burden it too heavily and lose the informal bitchiness or the original rant, but if it comes across as lazy to you I wil certainly tighten in. Accidental laziness is anathema. And finally "ten minute increments" covers the poem, the shock, and the hitting the "next" button to at least find a littkle something more friendly to the reader. But hey, you wre mine for several minutes no matter wheree I wanted to go. I really could have been worse. Indie's taken me some such p,aces a few times (sorry for the unsolicited name-drop dearie). But I will tighten up the verbiage. It started a s a ten minute rant befor I'd woken up fully last week. Still in process. Oh and btw the "better than the last comment" was for a few friends where I used to be almost alpha, but now I've become the sly snake aging snake just waiting for them.
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irony is irony and cliche is cliche. one doesn't need the other to exist. an odd cliche can be used to good purpose.
I am the snake
lying in ambush
if the above is cliche but what you wish to use it.
it doesn't negate the fact that
who can wait as long as it takes.
is redundant (doesn't need vocalising) the two lines below;
say the same thing
who carefully marks your paths
knows your failings,
there are more instances of the same, as well as some cliche that you wanted to use.
if you are brave and cut away all the stuff that adds nothing new to the poem, it would end up half the length.
that said the cliché would also become more apparent which isn't as good a thing as you think. the poems in there, drag it out screaming and show it for what it is.
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