Operation: Filth Removal

[Frankie Ocean]

[/u][/b]

Operation: Filth Removal

A half day of labor, a half day of sleep
Split by a scalpel designed to slice deep
Blood gushes out and it runs down my skin
I’m opened up while the surgeon digs in

Deeply infected, but feeling no pain
Just a warm numbness that’s keeping me sane
The culprit removed from under my skin
Leaving a mess of my liquid crimson

Prepared to be stitched, cleaned up and wiped down
My flesh being pierced, I don’t hear a sound
She covers the wound and I am set free
Filth was deleted from inside of me


© Frankie Ocean 2012

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I don't know how I feel about the title. I think the word crimson throws off the rythym a little because of the accent being on the second syllable. Maybe that's just me being hard on myself. What are your opinions?

[billy]

I don't know how I feel about the title. I think the word crimson throws off the rythym a little because of the accent being on the second syllable. Maybe that's just me being hard on myself. What are your opinions?
[/quote]

Hi frankie
filth removal does the job but perhaps another word instead of filth would do the job better.
in places the rhythm/meter does feel off. the crimson line being one of the places.

not sure the centre align is doing you any favours, mainly because of the content.

i get the sense that this is an abortion...forgive me if i'm wrong, and that the filth is an unwanted foetus. it's fairly novel if that's the case. and not too over the top. on the other hand it could also be a tumour or other type of growth.

i've been thinking about the title and i take back my suggestion about changing it. you've got something to work with if you do an edit.

i'm sure others will give some feedback so i'd advise waiting a while before giving it the once over

thanks for the read

[penguin]

You could avoid the crimson problem and the repetition of skin by using "flesh" /leaving only a liquid crimson mess - a near enough rhyme for my liking.
I don't like the title. Filth is usually found outside and seems the wrong word for something inside the body. But I guess it depends what it was!

[addy]

I'm struggling with filth as well, only because you've given us practically no context for what it might mean -- billy guessed abortion (based on the labor line), it could be a cancer, it could be talking about any metaphorical malady (like grief or love). Aside from the title and the last line mentioning it, there are no details given that will allow it to have the emotional resonance you want. If its a product of rape, for instance, and the violence of the surgery is meant to both undo and parallel the attack, then it would help to allude to the original event somewhat (this is all just guesswork of course). Other than that nit, it was a good read

[Philatone]

my biggest suggestion to help make the rhymes and flow feel a bit more natural and relaxed, would be to try to mix up where your sentences (rather than your lines) end. As is, the reader can really already guess what is going to happen at which point in the poem. By making your sentences end in the middle of the line, it gives the reader a greater sense of surprise.

the poem could be about a lot of things, which could lend you some power; however, it strikes me as being just a bit too cryptic. I get the surgery, but not the cause (could even be a metaphor for suicide if the speaker hates his/her life). a clue or two may take the piece a bit farther.