Friable

[penguin]

Two blistered sausages spilling
their stuffing over the sofa.
The yellow of an egg has run;
the sun is exiting the sky.
Burnt and brittle bacon, broken
by children full of beans.

Original

Two blistered sausages spilling
their stuffing over the sofa.
The yellow of an egg has run;
the sun has exited the sky.
Burnt bacon curled dark anger,
broken by children full of beans

[Universalchild]

I like the absurdity and vulgarity of this. The only part I don't get is the burnt bacon line.

[billy]

I'm with Pheadra, would it read better as burnt bacon curled in anger?

nice extended metaphor which some will tell me i got wrong

[Philatone]

hey penguin

Two blistered sausages spilling ...personally, would take "spill" over "spilling" to both make it grammatical and have more of a focus on the /s/ sound. "blistered sausages" is interesting
their stuffing over the sofa.
The yellow of an egg has run;
the sun has exited the sky.
Burnt bacon curled dark anger, ...it felt a little weird for a poem that focuses so much on visual, concrete details to have a statement like "dark anger"
broken by children full of beans

i'm not sure what to take from the piece. there are a lot of images of release (the sausages, the egg, the sun's departure), though the last bit didn't quite match up with that theme as well. maybe, though, the children could be seen as diffusing a situation (what with the "broken" after the "anger" bit). perhaps it's more of a depiction of imperfection, or even perfection just-missed, or just frustration in general.

[penguin]

Thanks, people. I need to alter the 5th line. I see that.Beans produce a form of release too, Geoff.

[addy]

Very cool. Sorry, I have nothing constructive to say . As far as juxtaposing food and violence (in this case the implied violence may just be emotional) it reminds me a lot of the opening credits of that show "Dexter" ... probably why this left such a visual impression on me

[penguin]

Thanks, Addy. I found a new title while searching for a new 5th line.

[billy]

i'm hungry now...
small edit but it makes a difference.
i also like the new title,
kids who'd have em

[Ruth]

Two blistered sausages spilling
their stuffing over the sofa.
The yellow of an egg has run;
the sun is exiting the sky.
Burnt and brittle bacon, broken
by children full of beans.

Original

Two blistered sausages spilling
their stuffing over the sofa.
The yellow of an egg has run;
the sun has exited the sky.
Burnt bacon curled dark anger,
broken by children full of beans

oh yes! Dexter, one of my favourite shows. maybe you could add a blood orange image? ;-)

I like it, but the sun exiting the sky seems out of place, unless I'm missing something obvious, which is not uncommon. maybe sunbeams on an inside surface to go with the inside/contained setting?

[penguin]

Thanks, Billy. Thanks, Ruth.I've never seen Dexter.The sun and the egg lines can be taken several ways, one of which is metaphorically.

[tectak]

Two blistered sausages spilling
their stuffing over the sofa. I took too much from the duality of meaning in the title before realizing that friable and fryable were not fungible. I am still little unsure of the intent. Is that your intent?
The yellow of an egg has run;...but as a straight observation this line takes me out of the picture. I am no longer required to be personally involved. Would "his" or "her" or "my" or even "the" instead of the spacially indefinite "an" work better?
the sun is exiting the sky. Again, and this is my take, due principally to the friable uncertainty, am I to go for exiting or exciting. If the former then "leaving" is more comfortable...if the latter then it is dawn. Breakfast time.
Burnt and brittle bacon, broken
by children full of beans.Yes to this. It is quotable in isolation......but it IS in isolation. If there is some profundity in this non-sentence (unless an answer to what is that on your plate) it does escape me. Who cares. It is cute like a teddy- bear)
What to make of this? If I say it passes me by I feel I am missing out. If I say it stirs me I cannot tell you why. So I,ll say nowt.
Best,
tectak



Original

Two blistered sausages spilling
their stuffing over the sofa.
The yellow of an egg has run;
the sun has exited the sky.
Burnt bacon curled dark anger,
broken by children full of beans

[penguin]

Thanks, Tom.The title is a bit of a pun on fry but the gist of the poem is a tense family atmosphere, apt to break one way or the other.
I think you attribute too much significance to "an" egg. On the other hand, I'm tempted to put in "her" egg.
The sun exits the sky, but as you've implied, that's something of a natural occurrence and that's not what I mean. I favour "abandoning".
I'm still not happy with 5th line. I want summat that more encapsulates the tension before the beans take effect.

[addy]

you know, for some reason I didn't recognize the sexual element until I re-read the edit ... i don't know why, it was clearly domestic despite being screwed up. Ah well. Nicely done.

[penguin]

Addy - I became aware that it was possible to read a sexual element in the first 4 lines. It's really coincidental but, you know, people are welcome to find what they like!

[tectak]

you know, for some reason I didn't recognize the sexual element until I re-read the edit ... i don't know why, it was clearly domestic despite being screwed up. Ah well. Nicely done.

Addy...you need help. Can I suggest a week with billy in a bean canning factory to rid you of these pseudo-sexual manifestations. It worked for.....er......someone I believe.
Best,
tectak

[billy]

sex with two spilling sausages.....someone's got spit roasting on their mind

but back on topic.

if it's about anything more than short tempers, i'll have turned into a nun.

[addy]

Fuck off guys Either way it works for me